She stood on tiptoe and pressed her cheek flat against his, feeling the scratch of his overnight stubble, smelling the sage note in his cologne. She wasn’t sure who moved first but all of a sudden they were kissing, slowly to start with, then furiously. Mark’s mouth was hot and tasted of Armagnac. ‘I love you, Han,’ he said, breaking away just long enough. ‘I really love you.’
Chapter Seventeen
When Hannah woke up, Mark was lying turned away from her, the shape of his shoulder outlined by the bar of daylight coming through the gap in the curtains. His breathing was deep and regular, his shoulder gently rising and falling in rhythm with it. In the distance, a church bell struck one o’clock. Gingerly, she turned on to her back. She waited a moment, making sure she hadn’t disturbed him, then reached over the side of the bed and fished her T-shirt off the floor. She sat up, pulled it over her head then slid gently back down into the body-warmth.
It was ridiculous, she thought, to be uncomfortable about Mark seeing her naked. He’d seen her naked hundreds of times, and just now – an hour or so ago – they’d made love like wild things, self-consciousness cast aside along with the clothes strewn across the carpet. It had come from relief, that rush of desire, the pure relief of him telling the truth, confirming what she’d discovered, not trying to hide anything or obfuscate. And he’d volunteered what he’d said about the B&B in the Berkshires and visiting Nick in jail, she hadn’t had to ask. Now she admitted it to herself: she’d been frightened that, confronted, Mark would try and bend the story, play down or deny his part in it. But no, he’d been frank about everything: his obnoxious Chelsea-boy behaviour; the drugs; even what happened with Patty that night. He hadn’t tried to varnish over it at all.
And yet now the hit of relief had passed, she was uneasy again. He was telling the truth now but the fact remained that he’d lied to her: there was no getting round it. Yes, his reasons made sense and she couldn’t be sure that in his position, meeting someone she liked, being saddled with something so horrifying, she wouldn’t have done the same but he’d still lied and kept lying so that he wouldn’t have to tell her. Before all this she’d trusted him completely, as much as she trusted her parents or Tom, but it would take time to rebuild that trust again – months, years, who knew how long? And though she understood why he hadn’t told her, it still hurt. She felt as if she’d been found lacking, like she was the one who wasn’t trustworthy.
The central heating was off and the room had gone cold. She burrowed deeper into the bed, closed her eyes and let the deep exhaustion sweep over her. It would be all right, she told herself. It would take time, no question, but in the end things would be all right.
When she woke the second time, Mark was awake and watching her, his face twelve or fifteen inches away on a pillow that he’d pulled into a tight concertina between his shoulder and ear. Even in the strange half-light, she could see his anxiety.
She shifted position, breaking eye contact for a moment, and reached out to touch his shoulder. His skin was cold. ‘What is it?’ she asked.
He exhaled and she felt his breath on her face. ‘I’m being melodramatic,’ he said, ‘I know I am, but . . . I’ve just got this really bad feeling. I’m scared I’ve put you in danger.’
She felt a single sharp throb in her stomach. ‘What do you mean?’
He hesitated. ‘The deal was I’d have Nick’s money ready the day he got out of jail – all of it, the exact day. Now I’m going to him with the offer of this incentive, but not the full amount.’
‘You haven’t told him yet? I thought—’
‘I haven’t told him.’
‘But when you went up there . . .’
‘I was still hoping I’d find another way – that I’d be able to borrow the money I needed from this guy Manso in the States. I didn’t want to tell Nick until I was absolutely sure I had to.’
Despite the warmth of the bed, Hannah was suddenly cold. ‘And if the incentive’s not enough – if he doesn’t go for it?’
Again he hesitated. ‘That’s what I’m worried about.’
‘Mark – please. Just tell me what you mean.’
‘He’ll go crazy.’
‘Crazy?’
‘This is why I’ve been so desperate to get the money, Hannah.’ His voice was rising, the panic audible. ‘This is why I lied about last weekend and went to the Berkshires. It’s why I tried everything I could to see this guy even though I knew it might just be getting myself into a different sort of trouble.’