"Haha. Well, how comforting that I'm an above average numbskull."
Calder grinned. "Penguins come in a colony."
I scrawled it down.
He looked thoughtful like he did when he was trying to recall something specific he'd learned on a certain topic. "Penguins spend seventy-five percent of their lives in water. I wonder if they'll survive the flood. How could they not?"
We both quietly mulled that over.
"We had cockroaches in our cabin last year. My mom said in the big community, the joke is that cockroaches can survive anything."
"Even the end of the world?" I asked quietly.
Calder glanced at me and shrugged. "Maybe." He was silent for a minute. "But that's probably a good thing. Who wants cockroaches in Elysium anyway?" He grinned. "Let 'em stay."
I let out a small laugh, picturing the great flood finally receding, and the cockroaches climbing out of their holes in the earth.
Calder turned toward me and propped his head up on his hand. "Anyway, back to penguins, there's a certain kind who proposes to his mate by giving her some thing or another."
I looked over at him with interest. "Really? What does he give her?"
"I don't remember. Maybe a feather, or a stick or something."
"You don't remember? Why not? That's so romantic. You remember precisely what percentage of time a penguin spends of its life in the water," I threw up my hands in impatience, "and how cockroaches will survive us all, but you don't remember what gift a male penguin gives his mate to propose to her? That's ridiculous." I shook my head in exasperation.
Calder laughed. "Why should I care? I'm not a penguin. It's not exactly information that was going to come in handy when I pick my own mate."
My face fell. I couldn't help it. I looked away from him, out at the spring water, glistening in the sunshine.
"Do you plan on picking a mate?" I'd never asked him, but I wondered. Why shouldn't he? It's not like he could pick me, even if he wanted to. But surely he must want one. He was a man now, with a man's body. He must have . . . needs. I had seen other girls our age look at him with interest. With them, he wouldn't have to hide. I glanced back at him, my heart sinking.
He was looking at me thoughtfully. What does he think when he looks at me that way? "No. I can't even think about that. The only thing I can think about right now is getting a spot on the council and going out into the world."
I nodded, taking in his handsome face. His male beauty stole my breath. Calder had turned eighteen in January and it seemed in the span of a year, he had grown even taller and broader in the shoulders. He was lean, but hard everywhere and I couldn't help but let my eyes roam over him while his eyes were focused on his sketchpad. Sometimes, he showed up with a shadow of dark stubble on his jaw. That was my favorite—it's how he would have looked if I had had the opportunity to wake up beside him. He looked extra tired those days, too, but when I asked him what was wrong, he just told me he hadn't slept very well.
One day, as I sat waiting for Calder, my face tilted toward the sky, I was surprised when I looked up to the sound of him coming through the brush, and saw Xander instead.
"Hi," I said, standing up.
"Hey, Eden. Calder can't make it today. I wanted to come tell you so you didn't worry." He ran a hand through his black hair as he approached me.
I hadn't seen Xander in several months and he looked bigger to me, too. It seemed like both of those boys had shot up several inches in half a year.
"Oh, okay. Is he all right?"
"Yeah, he's fine. His sister isn't doing so well, though. She's had a pretty bad cough forever it seems like, and she does better, then worse, then better. She's worse right now."
I realized then I hadn't seen Maya in weeks. But I had just figured there wasn't much mending to do in the main lodge. Why hadn't Calder told me? Was that why he had looked so haggard recently? It hit me how separate our lives truly were. Hurt filled my chest, but I pushed it away and focused on Xander.
"Why didn't he tell me?"
Xander studied me for a minute. "Knowing Calder, he just didn't want to burden you. And he was hopeful. He's always so damned hopeful." He stared off behind me for a second, and then looked back at me. "You know he has feelings for you, right?"
I stared at him. I opened my mouth to say something, decided I didn't know what, and then closed it again. Did I know Calder had feelings for me? Yes. I didn't have a complete handle on what those feelings might be, other than a close friendship, but just knowing Xander could see Calder cared for me had my heart beating faster. It made everything worse. And it made everything better.
"Whatever his feelings mean, he won't do anything about it, Xander." I didn't know if he was looking for reassurance, but I figured he probably was. His fate would be affected by our decisions, too, after all.