Chapter Sixty Five
When I pulled up at the house, I really didn’t know whether to go in or not. Zack was really distant with me last night so I decided to sleep in my own room to give him some space.
I was sitting in the driver’s seat with my eyes closed thinking when there was a loud knock on the window. My eyes flew open and I saw Zack standing there with a worried look on his face.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked as I put the window down.
He looked tired and his features were strained.
“I was just thinking.”
“We need to talk, are you coming inside?” he asked impatiently, walking back towards the house with his shoulders slouched.
I got out of the car and locked the door behind me. Walking into the house, I could feel tears welling up in my tired eyes. I had hardly slept last night and tossed and turned for most of the night.
I followed him into the kitchen.
“Zack, please can you just scream and shout at me or something? I can’t stand it when you shut me out!”
I wearily sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
He turned around to look at me. His face was impassive and gave nothing away. He suddenly moved really close to me.
“What the hell do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you how much you have hurt me? Do you want me to ask you if you really ever loved me? Do you want to know if I still love you? You know that I do! I love you so much it physically hurts! Do you want to see me fall apart piece by piece? I won’t do that for you or for anyone, DC Jennifer Fucking Black!” he shouted into the uncomfortable silence.
I had never seen him so hurt and angry. I went to him and gently touched his shoulder.
“Get off me! Don’t you dare touch me!” he growled, glaring at me.
“I should just go, Zack,” I whispered, backing away.
I walked towards the door of the room and looked back at him. He was looking down and gripping the worktop as tears gathered in his beautiful eyes. My heart ached with love for him but I thought that it was too late for us.
The gulf between us opened even wider. There was too much water under the bridge. I bolted upstairs and packed most of my stuff shoving it into a small case. Walking downstairs I pulled out my mobile and started to dial a taxi.
“What are you doing, Jennifer?”
“I’m ringing for a taxi. I’m going to my flat in town.”
“No, I will take you.”
“Okay, if you are sure.”
“Come on then, I haven’t got all day!” he barked.
His blue eyes looked so cold, empty and sad.
He stashed my case in the boot of the Range Rover and I climbed in. I was pleased that the twins were at their grandparents and that they didn't have to see the complete holy mess that was our relationship.
We travelled along for a while not talking as I stared out of the window. The silence hung heavy in the car.
“Zack, is that it then, are we done?” I asked him quietly.
I carried on staring out of the window. It was killing me to look at him.
“I don’t want it to be but we need some space. The twins need me more than ever with the funeral and they will always come first with me, Jennifer.”
“I know they will, Zack. That’s the way it should be. I am so very sorry about everything,” I told him as my voice caught.
I forced a sob back down. He didn’t answer me but he gently touched my hand and squeezed it. I decided to just let go of my tears.
“Please don’t cry, Jennifer, I can’t bear it,” he whispered as his voice grew thick.
“It’s just here on the left,” I told him between my sobs.
We pulled up outside the flat and Zack got my case out of the boot. He gave it to me and our hands brushed together.
God, I didn’t want us to be apart but I knew he was right. He needed to get his head around what had happened and concentrate on his kids and the funeral.
“Do you want me to take your case up for you?”
“No, I can manage thanks,” I sniffled.
Suddenly he pulled me into his arms and kissed me softly. It was a really sweet gentle kiss. It could be the last one he ever gave me. I relaxed my tense shoulders into him as tears gathered once more. I stroked his hair gently and clung to him.
After our kiss, he held me kissing the top of my head. His heart fluttered softly. It was like torture as I knew that we might not get back together and my heart started to break into a million pieces. I tried my hardest to hold it together.
“I love you, Jennifer, and I will see you in a few days,” he whispered.
“I love you too, Zack, so much. I wrote you a letter. Can you read it when you get home, please?”
I passed it to him and looked into his eyes. They were heavy with unshed tears. I wobbled through the doors with my case and watched him from the communal hallway.