“I’m not yours. I never was. I was your daughter. The job you had was to protect me and you failed to protect me from you. The one person I shouldn’t have had to worry about. I’m studying Law. I’m going to do this not to defend people like you but to make sure they pay for their crimes. So know that if you ever come near me again I will have you thrown right back in here.” I pause, giving him a moment to get his thoughts in order. I know he won’t willingly agree to this.
“You could come to some of the meetings, we could work it out. I could be your dad again.” His words only reinforce that this man is truly sick, he’s all over the place and can’t seem to figure out that this isn’t a second chance for our family, it’s the final straw.
“That’s never going to happen, Kurt. If you don’t stay away you know you will end up back in here or dead,” I threaten. “I may not be able to do it, but Clarissa already wants you dead and Cameron…I’m sure if given the chance you’d be gone. Take this as what it is, a goodbye.”
“I know you’re not together anymore, even in here I have ways of checking in on you.” The pain he caused me as a child was horrendous but nothing compares to the pain I feel with Cameron gone. Sometimes things just don’t work, no matter how much you want them to. Some people are just too damaged to get through things like this.
“Don’t,” I plead, and it flashes back to that night with Cameron asking me the very same thing, begging me to stop this. My heart feels as if it’s being torn into pieces and then set on fire. All that’s left of us is the ashes and they are being blown away. My time with him is gone. I feel the walls I’ve been keeping up since I was a child come crashing down. All those moments with Cameron flash before me and each one is like a knife to my heart. All the things I feel, the good and the bad, I just can’t forget Cameron. He tried to keep me there but all I did was run away.
“I have no right to give you advice, but I am begging you not to let what I did ruin your life. I think about your mother and me…” Kurt pauses and I see the tears coming from his eyes. I have never seen my father cry. “I will see her one day and she will hate me for the pain and devastation I have caused our child. Don’t let me ruin you forever. I know she’s here watching over you. I beg you…” His words are shaky and he is sobbing. “Don’t let the actions of a monster control you. If you do you’re nothing like your mother. She didn’t let me consume her.” With his words, I wonder if my mother ever saw such a hateful side of this man. My heart hurts. She never showed anything, she was so strong. “If I get out and I go back to the booze. If I find you, I am sorry. Sober, I will never bother you again and I hope they keep me in here. I hope they keep this monster in its cage.” This is a piece of the father I saw before my mom died. Mental illness and addictions can change people.
“You won’t find me. I will make sure of it. I don’t know what it feels like to be you, Kurt. I won’t ever know that feeling. I hate you, my own father. But I will also say thank you. If you hadn’t come back and shown me that I had to find my own strength I’d probably be hiding for the rest of my life. I’m done hiding. Do you hear me? I never want to see you again. This ends now.” The force in my voice is something I’ve never experienced before and by the look on his face he knows I’m serious.
“You can’t change history, I wish you could.” His words are true. I can feel them now that my walls are down.
“But I can change fate.” Walking out, I finally feel free.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Cameron
“I think you should start off with that new song, just come out of the dark like you’ve been practicing,” Cecilia says and I feel the pain of having to go out and sing without her. What the hell was I thinking when I let her go? She couldn’t say it and I pushed her right out the door. I called her phone after I finally got my head out of my ass, but she’d changed her number. My mind is screaming at me, calling me every name in the book.
Going to Clarissa’s was an option as I saw the address on the boxes before the movers got them, but she changed her number. That was enough to tell me she didn’t want me to find her. She has gone home. Our apartment is bare and empty since we both moved out for summer break, but fuck, my heart feels as if I left it in that room. When she left I felt like I couldn’t damn breathe. For two months I’ve felt nothing but the loss of Fate. Every night I’m dragged into the nightmare of a world with her walking away. At least in there I don’t tell her not to touch me, but when she does, I feel nothing. It’s a new form of punishment. I regret not letting her touch me one final time before I lost her forever.