“Fate, are you sure about this?” Clarissa whispers as if she’s scared I’m going to go off the deep end at any moment.
“I didn’t have a choice. He deserves someone who can love him without fear of the words and everything being in it brings. He deserves to be loved, Clarissa.”
“And you don’t?” she asks, and I just look away from her. “Are you sure you don’t or can you just not say I love you? It’s okay to not be able to say it after everything you’ve been through. I love you, and I know you love me without you having to tell me. You show me, that’s enough for me.” She brings her hand up, wiping some tears from my cheek and I feel nothing. No flinch, no pain, but even worse, no warmth.
“He was right. I really am the ice princess,” I blurt out and I groan in frustration when Clarissa gasps.
“Fate, why would you say that, but better yet why would he?” She looks over at my empty walls and the room looks like I’m just here temporarily. I haven’t unpacked. I couldn’t. The memories are far too fresh. I don’t know if I will ever be able to confront those memories of Cameron. Once I do, that’s it. Those are all I have left of him. The memories, our beautiful baby steps and all our touches.
“It’s the truth. I thought he’d melted it all away.” Using Cameron’s words brings immense suffering to my soul. “I was wrong. All he did was stand on the outside looking in. I couldn’t let him in all the way. He needs more than I have to offer him.”
“Are you sure about that? Is this about what you think he wants or did he actually say that?” My mind goes back to that night and I wonder if I’d begged him to just give me time to work through the chaos if he let me stay.
“He told me to leave if I couldn’t say I loved him.” Her look would break my heart if it were possible to break an already destroyed heart. I can tell she is feeling my pain too.
“People say stupid things when they are scared. I bet if you called him he’d answer and you could talk this all through.” She doesn’t seem to get that this isn’t something I haven’t already thought about. Every day I sit here thinking about just calling him and explaining everything.
“He hasn’t contacted me, Clarissa.” The discomfort from that is disastrous.
“How could he? When you moved back here you got a new local number and I got a new house since he was here. Maybe he is hoping you will reach out to him,” she says hopefully.
“He’s a rock star, Clarissa. If he wanted to find me, he could. It’s not like I’m hiding.” She lets out a sigh and I hate that I’m fighting her so much on all this but sugar-coating it isn’t going to help me now.
“You left. Maybe he thinks you don’t want him to come looking for you. Rejection can be a horrible thing even for a rock star, Fate. He also knows everything about you. I’m sure he’s worried he would just make things worse for you if the feelings are unrequited.”
“Clarissa, it’s been two months. He has moved on.” Please don’t be in love with someone else. My heart is unbelievably torn. My mind is made up. I can’t love him until I can love myself.
“You don’t know that.”
“I told him to. Finally, I succeeded in pushing him away.”
“Fine, but you can’t just lock yourself in here. You’ve done that long enough and I don’t want you doing that again.” She tries to pull the covers from me, but I hold them tightly.
“I can’t, please don’t make me. It’s still so raw,” I say honestly because the loss is exactly that.
“If it hurts this much maybe you should go to Cameron. Take the chance he wants you to. Let him love you.” That would just be too easy. When I got back here, I could feel it. He wasn’t the problem. I was. I’m broken beyond repair.
“That’s just not in the cards for my life.” I sigh.
“Life is too cruel, without love there would be no reason to live it.” Her words pull on my soul.
“Clarissa, I just can’t. Please drop this,” I beg her.
“Fine, you’re home now, we will work this all out.” Her fake enthusiasm only makes me feel worse.
“But it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Nowhere does,” I say to Clarissa and I’m sure this hurts her, but I know she understands my home was with Cameron.
Clarissa leaves me to dwell, but it isn’t long before she is knocking on my door again. “Fate, something came in the mail for you.” Walking over to me, she hands me the envelope and I put it on my nightstand. “Don’t you want to open it?” she asks, and I just shake my head.