“Well then,” Terry says as she comes in for another hug, and I close my eyes. It’s nice to not have the panic issues. I’m not saying it will never happen again but as long as I am covered, and it’s my hands only, I seem to be making great progress. Or so says my counselor and she’s the expert, right? When I open my eyes, I see Cameron watching me with an expression of awe.
After introductions I find out that Scott’s dad is named Lawrence. He’s a shy man and he seems to keep to himself. Scott’s mother is another story. From the hug, her love only continues as she dotes on me the entire time. Cameron just continues to sit back and watch with an odd look on his face. The family tells stories and I get to see a different side of Cameron. Here he is carefree and I usually only see that when he’s with me at home. I like knowing that he has somewhere else he can be this way too.
After dinner, the family exchanges Christmas presents and I am shocked that they all thought to get me something. I haven’t been around more than Clarissa for the last eight years and I find it overwhelming, but I feel the change within me too. Finally, I’m starting to feel whole again. Normal again without an impending doom and that is because of the strength Cameron gives me.
We finally make it back to the apartment and relax. I’m beginning to feel the stress of our first Christmas together. Did I make the right choice of a gift? Worst of all, I worry that he will hate it or not understand my sentiment.
My mind is thinking of how this could be a moment for us. Special and new, moments to mask my nightmares. “Cameron, could we do this in your room?” I say, pointing to the gifts. He gives me an odd, confused look but nods his head. I tell him I’m going to get in pajamas and meet him in there. Once I’m into my kitty pajamas that he adores so much, I make my way to his room. He is sitting in his desk chair, waiting for me. Climbing onto his bed, I make myself comfortable and pat the spot next to me. He slowly approaches, making sure not to touch me but does sit next to me.
“I was thinking instead of the couch tonight we could try sleeping in here. I’m sure that couch isn’t doing wonders for your back.” I try to joke because he just looks uncomfortable with what I just said.
“Fate,” he says with a deep breath. “I’m fine where we are. I don’t need to be in the bed. I just need to be with you,” he says and my soul ignites with affection for this man, who continues to amaze me every day.
“I’m not. I need a baby step,” I say with a pouty face, hoping it will work.
“What if you can’t? What if you have nightmares?” he questions. Time to put it all out there for me.
“If I can’t I will go back to the couch and I know you will follow. If I have a nightmare, I know that you are here with me to keep me safe. That no matter what, you won’t let anything happen to me. As long as I have you, I think I can do that. You give me that. You take away those memories and fill them with ones of affection and trust. My boyfriend makes all that pain go away.” I see that admiration in his eyes with my words and I mean them all.
“How can I argue with all that?” he says coyly.
“You can’t, now open your present,” I say cheerfully, but then nerves sneak up.
Handing him the box, I’m not sure how I feel about the gift now. When I had put them together, I was trying to think of what to give a person who has everything. So I did this. When he opens the box and sees them, his face turns to shock and I’m not sure what to take from that. Is that a good sign?
“Fate, when did you have time to do this?” he asks and I know he’s trying to think of times I snuck off. Honestly, the only time was when he was in class and I wasn’t, or he was at band practice.
“I wanted to give you something that could hold your two passions,” I say, using his words about being passionate about me and then music, in that order. So I made these. I designed six notebooks for only Cameron to use. On the front, I had Ten Ways Gone written in different dark colors everywhere with a picture of their stage set up behind it. When he opened them, he saw what I had written inside. There were also pictures of us on the inside at various times these last five months.
“Touched by Fate,” he reads the words and my heart stills.
“I thought you could use it to work on music. A piece of me that is with your music unconditionally.”
“I was wrong. This was exactly what I needed and you knew it without me knowing. How do you do that? It’s like you can see into me. You know when I need this.” He touches my bare shoulder. “When I need this.” He leans in, pressing his lips against mine. I’m finding it hard to break away every time we start this now. My body craves more. “But most of all this,” he says as he slowly pulls his shirt off and exposes his chest.