“What happened?” Truth time.
“You know that I was hurt by someone.” He nods and I’m happy he seems to just want to let me say this and get it over with. “Well, he is getting out on parole. I only found out after being home for two days. It’s why I pulled away. I couldn’t deal with all my emotions. Unfortunately, even the good ones and that meant you. Then you showed up and I was just so haunted by everything, I pushed you. It was something I couldn’t control. I just kept telling myself you’d eventually leave anyway.”
“I shouldn’t have left. You needed me and I walked out on you.” Oh, this was not what I wanted him to feel.
“Please know that this was not your fault. Whether you stayed or not, it wouldn’t have mattered. The only thing that would have changed is you would have had the same guilt as Clarissa when she took me to the hospital.” Clarissa still struggles with what she did. I know why she had to but that doesn’t take her guilt away. Cameron wouldn’t have been able to handle that.
“So that’s why you didn’t come home? You were there the whole time,” he asks and I feel like I’m about to show him more of my feelings than I ever have before.
“Actually, no, I was able to leave and I went back to the house with Clarissa. I couldn’t come back here. Not with how we left things.” His hand rests against my check and I lean into the warmth. I missed this. I missed all of him. The peacefulness I feel by being touched by him is unlike anything I’ve felt before.
“What possibilities?” he asks as he grazes my skin with his fingers. Now he’s just making it hard for me to think at all.
“Ah…well I wasn’t sure what I was coming back to. Did you want me to leave? Would you be okay with still being my friend?”
“We were never just friends, Fate,” he states and on every level I know he’s right. From the moment he walked into my world, I knew. I fought it because I knew it would lead to some touch moments, but I know if he’s by my side I can handle them all.
“No. So that was another fear. I didn’t know if that left anything at all. I was awful to you and to just walk back in wasn’t something I was looking forward to doing. I kept putting it off and then Cecilia told me I had to come. I assumed maybe you wanted me to leave, so I came, but I was hoping it was because you’ve been as miserable as I have been. Cameron, I have never been as unhappy as I was without you in my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but we can have our days. Each one of them endless to us, if that makes sense.”
“Forever in a day,” he says, and those words hit home with me. That’s exactly what I was talking about. This man gets me. “So when you thought about coming back here to see me, what did you want to happen?”
“I wanted you to stay with me. Because as much as I hate to say it, I need you,” I say truthfully and a smile sweeps across his face.
“I need you too,” he says and softly kisses me. “I felt all those worries too, Fate. When you’re feeling something, tell me. It’s the only way we can stay on the same page. I know you have limitations and I won’t push those. When you’re ready, you will tell me whatever it is you’re keeping from me. If that day never comes that’s okay too.”
“Thank you.” Knowing I don’t have to tell him my story brings me peace. I know I will have to talk to him about it one day, but today I can just be happy with Cameron.
“I have a question. How would this affect our baby steps? I’m not asking because I’m pressuring you to make new ones, I’m asking so I don’t do old ones that would now cause you stress.” Of course Cameron would think of our baby steps and all that these new issues could come with them. “Here, alone. Nothing needs to change. But in public, I need to go back to where I was. I’m just not sure how I’d feel. I’m not saying no. I’m saying I’m not sure.”
“Cameron, I might never be able to do certain things. You may want to really think if this is what you want. Someone else with fewer problems may be suited better to your life. I can’t promise anything but what you have before you. You deserve so much more than me.” Being so honest about my fears and my thoughts is new to me. I always hide them and it’s time I just put myself out there. I don’t want a life of ‘what if’s,’ I want a full life, even if it has some heartache. It will be worth it. Cameron is worth that risk.
“No. My answer is no,” he commands and my heart stops. I’m unsure what he means, so I do what he’s asked. I ask him.