“It takes away the pain,” I respond deadpan.
“Get up,” Clarissa demands.
I don’t respond. I continue to let myself go further and further inside. Away from this devastation and to where the pain is from those nights. This pain that can eliminate the one I fear. Further I go. Away from the pain of living without Cameron now, into my nightmares where he haunts me. Where he always finds me.
He locks the door and the click is deafening. He’s not going to leave me alone. I will never be free. Always coming. Never letting me go. I deserve this. I made him mad. You shouldn’t make him mad. I didn’t mean to say anything. I was sad and it came out.
My mind dives in deeper and I lose myself into a place I fought so long to stay out of. I hear nothing, but best of all, I feel nothing. The emptiness is freedom.
The evil in his eyes, the panic in my body, and then shear fear of the life I have to live. Take me there. Anywhere but here, where I feel everything he told me I was. Dirty, tainted, unlovable.
“Fate.” My eyes blink open and I feel groggy. “You’re fine, you’ve just been resting,” a woman says, and I look around frantically. “You need to stay calm.” That only makes my panic escalate. Where am I? Where is Cameron? Just like that, the wave of pain of everything I’ve done comes back.
“Cameron,” I whimper.
“It’s okay.” Looking toward the door, I see Clarissa standing there with a man I assume is a doctor by his clothing. “They are here to help you, honey. We all just want you better,” she says and it all falls into place. Looking at the walls, the smell and most of all the noises that come along with a place like this, it hits me.
How could she do this to me? She was supposed to protect me and take care of me. “You had me committed,” I scream at her.
Clarissa flinches, and I become enraged. “Fate, you weren’t responding, I didn’t know what to do.”
“I will tell you what you don’t do. Commit the person.”
“You only have to stay for seventy-two hours.”
“Get her out of here. I don’t want her here. Get out,” I yell, and the nurse takes Clarissa away with tears falling down her face. Another nurse comes in and I see she has a needle. Screaming out, I feel myself getting weaker as it takes effect. “How could you?” I keep screaming as I go deeper and deeper. “I will never forgive you,” I call out as my body finally gives into the drugs.
When I come to again, I’m alone in my hospital room. I try to move, but I’m in restraints. A nurse comes in as she must have heard me or was watching close by. “Fate, do you know where you are?” The memories flood in but this time it’s not the same. I’m full of regret and fear, but it’s manageable.
“What have I done?” I cry out softly, and the nurse checks me over before removing the straps from my hands.
“If you get upset again I will have to put these on,” she warns and I feel foolish.
“I won’t. I’m sorry,” I say, trying to remain calm. “It was just too much and I couldn’t…” She comes to the bedside, lowering the rail and I feel a bit freer.
“Clarissa explained what had happened to send you into your attack.” Attack? I guess that could be a name for it. I felt as if I inflicted it on myself to help take away the pain of everything else going on. “She also said there was a boy. Do you want us to call him?”
“No,” I blurt out. “Sorry, no, I…I think I broke up with him. He doesn’t need to know I’m a complete psycho to top it off.” She gives me a look but doesn’t say anything.
“Well, you will have to stay here until your time is up. Then it is up to you what you want to do,” she says, then tells me the psychologist will be in to see me shortly.
When the older woman walks in, I feel like I’m never going to get out of here. The way she is watching my every move, I worry if I make the wrong one they will lock me up and throw away the key. She sits and tells me all about my care that has been going on while I was unable to care for myself. Clarissa is still here but can’t come in unless I say so. She tells me about all my options but honestly, I am just not ready to think about it yet. I need to get out of here and breathe. I feel as if I’m suffocating.
Finally, I say what I should have said when I first woke up. “Clarissa can make the choices.” She gives me an odd look but doesn’t say anything else about it.
“I will send her in,” she finally says when she feels she’s gotten enough from me. When I see Clarissa walking in the guilt is agonizing. She looks like she hasn’t slept in days and someone took away all her coffee, leaving her unable to survive.