“You can’t,” she yells, jumping out of the bed away from me, scaring the shit out of me. Not even when she’s in her nightmares have I ever seen her look this shaken.
“But I do.” I have no choice now. She’s putting those brick walls up and I can’t get to her unless she lets me. Hopefully, telling her how I feel will let me in.
“No,” she screams. “It’s not allowed. Do you hear me? Never.”
“Why are you being this way?” I want to shake her and yell ‘just tell me what the hell is wrong’ but that won’t get us anywhere. I can’t even get angry because I have this feeling of dread coming over me.
“This is just the way I am, stop trying to fix me.” It’s as if a truck just ran me down, backed up and did it again.
“Why would I fix you? There is nothing wrong with you, Fate,” I plead. I don’t care if she’s always in pieces, I will fucking take them all.
“If you believe that, then you are sadly mistaken.” Those words make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Walking around the bed, I try to go to her, hoping our touch will calm her the same way it does at home, but she puts her hands up, halting me.
“I’m not what you need. I wish I was, but I’m not. So it’s done. Finished,” she demands, and I lose my mind. How is this happening? Where is the girl who told me off and made me bow down to her? The girl before me just looks so defeated.
“Don’t say that. You’re upset and that’s okay, but don’t push me away.” I would sell my soul just to take her pain away right now. Screw my pain, I’d give anything to save her from the anguish I see in her right now.
“Go,” she yells and the pain I am feeling from her is fucking torture. I’m not just feeling my heart being demolished, but her pain is damn well knocking me out.
“I’ll go if that’s what you really want, Fate,” I say, pleading her with my eyes to tell me to stay.
“I want you to leave.” Shit. I should have listened to Clarissa.
“But I love you.” This girl just crippled me. If she’s going to leave me she needs to know. Not just because I want her to stay, because it’s the Goddamn truth. This girl consumes me.
“You could obliterate me, Cameron, don’t you understand that?” Does this girl not get that what she’s doing right now to me is that exact thing? “You will tire of my issues and then where will that leave me?” That tears right through me. “I can’t do this, Cameron.”
“I thought you knew me better than that,” I say, and I can see it in her eyes this is killing her as much as it’s killing me. “Fate, I can see in your fucking eyes you don’t want to end this, so why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m better off alone.”
Chapter Seventeen
Utter darkness. That is where I am. And I deserve it. Sitting in the middle of the room, I feel the fear destroying my body from the inside out. The chaos that I must intentionally put myself through, which then takes away from my other pain. The panic is crimping. However, this agony takes the sting away. It’s a distraction from my true pain. In the distance, I hear someone calling, but I try to pull myself further down into my personal hell.
“What are you doing?” Clarissa screams, but I barely hear her. I’m gone. Fate is no longer here to care.
“Where is Cameron?” It’s barely a whisper in my mind but his name continues to ring through. My mind begins to torment me. He will think you’re damaged. Dirty and used up, broken beyond repair. Why would he want that when he can have a perfect person who can give him everything he needs? Why would he want Fate? Push him away. Send him running. Do you want him to look at you the way others who know about you have?
“I sent him away. It’s done. We are done,” I choke out the words and try to think back to my nightmares because they are less painful than this. The burning wipes out everything else.
“Why would you do that?” she croaks and I don’t need to look at her to know she’s crying. No, I can’t take it anymore. Deeper I go to find the fire to burn it all away.
“Tears, I like it when you do that. Fear me, it makes you know your place.” His hands are unsteady and his words slurred.
“Fate,” she screams.
“Because he will find out and you’re right. It’s not a good idea,” I say softly as I bring myself back into my hell. Music. Darkness. Touching.
“And this is. Sitting in the dark traumatizing yourself is the answer,” Clarissa wails out and I can barely see her anymore. My world is shutting down and I feel at peace in my strange surroundings. Like I’m untouchable. I welcome the pain, I know this pain and where it leads.