“It will only be five days, Cameron. Not a big deal. Just about three months ago, I didn’t even exist in your world. Go off and do rock star things. I can’t leave Clarissa alone. She doesn’t have anyone but me. I’m all the family she has,” I say softly.
“Shit. I don’t like this, but I won’t beg you to stay. I know you will go to her and you should. Damn, how did this happen?” I look at Cameron questioningly because I don’t know what he means. “This. Us. It just came up behind me. Five days is going to be torture. Three months ago I didn’t know what I was missing, now I do and it fucking sucks.” He sulks and I can’t help but hug him. He wraps his arms around me and I feel warm again in this chaotic airport.
It’s time for me to go through security and leave him behind. My body has this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I had kissed him before we left the apartment and I wanted to try to do it here but the fear paralyzes me. The only comfort I can get from him is his touch, so I soak it all in. “I have to go,” I whisper, and he holds me tighter, then reluctantly let’s go. As I move away, my hand stays connected to his until the last moment. Just as my hand drops, I take a deep breath, trying to fight through the disconnect. “Five days,” I whisper and turn, rushing off.
Here I am two days later exhausted and miserable because other than text messages and phone calls, I couldn’t fit anything else in with Clarissa. The reason she couldn’t come was because she couldn’t get off work. She was on call and that meant she was getting called away every few hours. I didn’t mind, though. I just used that time to talk to Cameron, but when night came I fell back into old habits. Clarissa of course thought nothing of it since she didn’t know any better until she saw how tired I was.
“Are you really okay, Fate? You look more exhausted every hour you are here. When I saw you get off the plane you just looked so rested and now you are worse than before you left for school.” Clarissa has been able to read me pretty well since the day we met. It was her job, but now she has years of getting to know me and she can tell when I’m keeping things from her.
“I miss Cameron,” I say honestly.
“I’m not sure how I feel about you being so serious about someone, especially someone like him.” Her words cut me. Clarissa is always honest, that’s what I like most about her, but it hurts to hear.
“Why, because he’s a rock star instead of going to medical school?” I can’t help the attitude that comes out. Never before have I felt as if I was being attacked by Clarissa, but she’s talking about Cameron. My Cameron, who has helped me through everything. He doesn’t deserve it. Judgment.
“I would have the same concerns about him either way. Have you read about him? It’s not pleasant.” Her words are hurtful.
“He’s not perfect, but he is trying. I’m not perfect and you know that. So why would you think a perfect guy is what I need? Do you even know what he’s done for me? No, you don’t because you don’t ask. All you’re doing is judging him, Clarissa. I never thought you’d be so judgmental,” I yell, frightening her.
“What has he done?”
“Now you want to know? Why should I tell you? So you could use it against us again?” I declare, and she looks at me with surprise.
“I didn’t know there was an ‘us.’ I think I’m now more worried about the fact that you didn’t tell me about that than what is out there about him.” She gives me a concerned look, which only makes me angrier.
“I know what’s out there. It’s not a secret.”
“But you are a secret,” she says, and I know she is worried about the implications of me dating him. “I don’t just mean I don’t want you publically out there for the world. I mean he hasn’t come out and said anything about you.” The sting from her words penetrates my walls. “How much could he really care about you?”
“That’s not fair, Clarissa. It’s all new. We haven’t even labeled it anything. How could it be possible for us to go public if I’m not even sure exactly what we are?” I say, trying to make her see my way, but I can’t help the thought that maybe Cameron doesn’t want people to know about me. I know he referred to me as his girlfriend at the party, but I’m not sure that was a declaration of his perception of us or if it was just him trying to get through to me. That hurts the most. I’ve been back here two days and Clarissa has made me doubt it.
“But there is a ‘we’ of some sort?”