“Screw it, world, I’m here,” I say, thinking of my mom and all the happiness she gave me.
“I’ve heard you say that before, never loud enough that I could be sure you were talking to me, but I have to ask. Where is that from?” I feel his fingers caressing my hand and it only furthers my need to be close to him. It’s not sexual, but comforting, a need to feel safe. One that has never been met since the day I lost my mother.
“My mother said it. She died when I was nine. She was my best friend and I miss her every day.” His hand stills and I’m waiting for it. The pity, the reason I hate talking about my life.
“My mom’s dead too. Fucking sucks, doesn’t it?” I can’t help but chuckle. Only Cameron would be able to make me laugh at a time like this. His personality and charm have a way of making me feel as if I’m not so screwed-up.
“That sounds about right.”
“Fate, you don’t swear, do you?” he says in a serious tone. All I do is shake my head. “Does it bother you that I do? I never thought to ask because it’s just something I do. To me it’s just a word, but if it bothers you I will try to put a cap on it.”
“It’s not that I don’t swear, I just haven’t found a reason to. Besides, Clarissa would have been upset if I had. She was my worker at one time and she is a mom to me now, so I just never started. Kind of hard to get a vocabulary of swearing when your only friend is someone you look at as a mother.”
“Worker?” he asks and I know this is a line of questioning I hate to answer.
“She works in Child Welfare. After my mom was gone, I went into the system. She eventually got me out and took me in. I wouldn’t be where I am without Clarissa.”
“What about your dad?” he asks, and I still.
“He wasn’t up to the job, so Clarissa stepped in. I haven’t seen him in a long time. He could be dead for all I know.” I hope that’s enough. It’s mostly the truth. I haven’t seen him since a few months after my mom died and Clarissa did step in, but if he were dead she would’ve told me.
“My dad is gone, left when my mom told him she was pregnant. Men are assholes.” He chuckles, and I can’t help but laugh with him.
“You said it,” I say to him, and he bumps me with his shoulder playfully. It’s nice to have someone to talk with and joke with because I’ve never had that. I’m socially stunted, but I feel as if I’m finally coming along. “Do you have siblings?” He shakes his head. “Your mom couldn’t handle you, I guess. Why have another Cameron to turn the world to chaos?” I say playfully.
“Hey, I didn’t hear you mention sibling, so I guess that could be said about you too, you little shit,” he says, and I stick out my tongue in response. “Thought so.” Putting my head back on his shoulder, I lean back into the couch, thinking about all the ways this could play out. How will Clarissa react when I tell her about my feelings for Cameron? How will he react when he knows how hard I’m already falling for his bad boy charm and the beauty that is within him? He’s a tortured soul, destroyed same as me. Maybe together we can build each other back up.
“I don’t know what I did to get such an amazing roommate,” I say because even without my feelings for him, he is still understanding of my limitations and an amazing friend.
“Fate.”
“Yea?” I ask him.
“No, it was fate. That’s the only way I see this coming together for us. My own little piece of fate with a name to match.” His words warm my heart. “I want to try something. Can you try and trust me?” Cameron says while never taking his eyes off mine. “Baby steps, I promise. If it’s too much I won’t try again.” All I can do is nod. “Could you close your eyes?”
“I can’t…” I say in a panic and my eyes are now glued to the floor.
“Hey…hey, look at me.” I do and his eyes connect with mine. “Don’t let shit like that worry you, if you can’t do it, we don’t do it. Together we find a way to work through it or we don’t do it. It’s as easy as that, okay?” I nod. “Are you ready?”
“Ready as I will ever be.” It’s as if it all happens in slow motion. I see him bringing my hand up and I wait for the panic to set in. Slowly, he lowers his lips to the top of my hand while closing his eyes and softly kissing my hand. The heat from his lips touching my skin makes my body want to squirm, but in a whole new way.
I don’t panic, the only thing I feel is our connection growing and every part of me can’t wait to see what our next baby steps are.