“I don’t know how to date, I’ve never even had a friend. I don’t let people in or let them even touch me. It’s the way I’ve survived.” I can see my words are hurting him but they need to be said. “I can’t make any promises. Each step is a new one and they all have to be small.” He looks hopeful and that brings me the feelings I was wanting. “But I’m willing to try.”
“I’m going to be the good guy. I don’t want you to think my intentions aren’t pure here. So I will be your friend.” His words make my heart sink. I try to keep my face straight and I know I’m failing miserably. “It’s not because I don’t want more. Trust me, that’s the farthest from the truth here, but I won’t rush this and risk screwing it up again.” I could just lean over and touch him but just the thought of contact is driving my heart into overdrive.
“You challenge me, McAlister, I like that about you. Don’t back off too much, okay?”
“Sometimes you have to push through the pain, right?” His eyes light up and I know he’s trying to figure out if that was just a coincidence. “Only then will you see the truth behind it.”
“Fate…I know you don’t enjoy music. How?” he whispers to me.
“I printed out all the lyrics. I read them, I didn’t listen. I’m just not there yet. That could never happen. I don’t know if I will get there. So I’m just not sure how this will work but…I’m willing to leave it all behind for a chance.”
“Stop, please.” He looks as if he’s in so much pain and I worry that this may be a trigger for him similar to how touching is for me.
“I’m sorry, I thought you’d be happy. I never meant to bring up anything to cause you such pain, Cameron.” I walk away and sit on the couch, putting my hands in my lap. Within a few seconds, he’s sitting next to me. I see him go to reach his hand to touch my leg, but he stops himself.
“Fate, it isn’t a bad memory. You have no idea what it means that you put yourself through that shit to read my words. Then to hear you say them to me and not just reading them but using them as a direction for your life, well, that just breaks me. I will never push, but I want to comfort you and I just don’t know how.”
“You want to touch me?”
“Fate,” he says and I know he’s feeling my struggle.
“Close your eyes, Cameron.” He shakes his head and tries to get up. I do the first thing I think of and place my hand on his leg to stop him. It does and he looks up into my eyes. I move my hand away and give him a small smile. “Close your eyes.”
He slowly does what I ask and I feel his breath labor. Slowly, I bring my hand up and lightly place my hand against his cheek. His eyes pop open and I see him looking frantically at me to see if I’m handling this. “Cameron.” Bringing my thumb down, I trace his bottom lip and feel him shiver beneath my skin. Never have I been this bold but something in him brings this out in me. My hand rests against his check again and I slide my fingers against his soft skin. The warmth I’m feeling off of him is nothing I’ve felt before. It’s addicting. I see him raise his hand to overlap mine, but he stops. “Cameron, please.” He starts to put his hand down. “No, please…I want you to.” His eyes are staring into mine as if he’s checking for any hesitation.
“Say it. Fate.” I feel…
“Touch me,” I whisper. “Please.” I watch as he slowly brings his hand up and covers mine with his. There I am, waiting for it, but it doesn’t happen, I don’t flinch. I don’t feel like I’m going to break, I just feel him. “Nothing feels as good as being close to you.”
“Dammit, I didn’t even know what that meant when I wrote it, not until now.” His words add further warmth to my body and I know this is progress. The smile that comes across my face as he caresses my hand with his feels amazing. Light, free from the pain. A moment that is my own. Our own, one that no one can take from us. “Baby steps.”
“Baby steps,” I repeat.
“I won’t give up on you, we are in this together.” He looks at me and I feel the connection click. Many years from now, I can say this was that moment I started to shed my walls and become Fate again. “I never meant these when I wrote them, but damn I do now.” My breath halts and I try to focus on the touch of him. “One life is what I choose, and I choose it with you.” When I read those lyrics, I felt drawn but having him read them to me is something I could have never imagined.