She groaned and coaxed me to come closer to her frail body. Her arms and legs freely moved. Thank fucking god.
I climbed into the way too small bed, and she curled against my chest. She was so thin, her ribs pressed against me and I felt her heartbeat. The best feeling. Then she wiggled her left hand in the air.
“I’ll make you a deal, me naked ... for a lifetime with you.”
Fuck, yes. Was she implying what I fucking hoped? If this was a dream, fucking leave me in it.
“Are you saying you’re ready, Blue? Because I’ll marry you tomorrow, baby, truth.” Truth. No sooner did the word come out of my mouth, I knew I had to tell her. If she was going to promise me forever, she deserved to know. She deserved truth. “There’s something else I need to tell you, baby. Something you need to know before you can promise me forever.”
“Let me guess.” She coughed and winced in pain, but she was still smiling. “You don’t know the first thing about hockey, do you, Dr. Know-it-all?” Her smile never wavered, but the look she gave me said something completely different. She was giving me an out. And her blue eyes were begging me to take it. Battered and weak, she was trying to protect my sorry ass. No more.
“Hate the fucking game, but you already knew that, baby ... but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need you to listen, Blue. I need you to know what I’ve done ... who I am.”
“Shh-shh.” Her finger covered my lips. “You listen. I know all I need to know. I know you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life as yours. Yours. Whatever you have to say, whatever you may have done, isn’t going to change that. Ever. I’m not blind, Chase, I see it. I still see the pain in your eyes. I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. And when you’re ready, you’ll tell me. When you’re ready. Not for me, but for you. You waited for me; I’ll wait for you. We have forever.”
The knock on the door interrupted the sweetest, gentlest kiss of my life.
“Hi Lili. I’m Dr. Finley. It’s awesome to see you awake.” She was still too fucking chipper, given the fact that forty-eight hours ago she was concerned about the viability of our baby. Fuck. The baby Lili had no clue about yet.
I sighed, slid off her bed and kissed the tip of her nose. Now or never. I would have done anything to shield her from more pain, but she needed to hear this from me. This was too fucking cruel. “Baby, there’s more, but I need you to be strong. Dr. Finley is an OBGYN, she’s here to check you out.”
Her smile fucking vanished..
“OB?” she whispered. “I’m pregnant? Or are you telling me I was pregnant?” Her voice was so small and broken. I fucking hated myself. I wished I had more time to explain. It didn’t help that Chipper was in the room ready to chime in.
“Lili, you’re very early on, about six weeks. The baby has been through a lot, so we need to do an ultrasound to see where things stand.”
Lili eyes welled. This sucked.
Salty tears spilled down her cheeks and wet my lips, as she mumbled, “I’m sorry, so sorry.”
I sat back to look her in the eyes. “Sorry? Why are you sorry? Baby, there is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing. Do you hear me? We made this baby together. I love you, more than anything.”
She thought I regretted that she was pregnant. Fuck no. She needed to know I was never upset about the baby. I wasn’t that same selfish scared kid. She wasn’t going to suffer this loss alone.
I leaned in close and whispered back, “Truth, baby. I want this as much as you. I’m the one who’s sorry.” I made the call that cost us our baby. I couldn’t speak past the burn in my throat, so I nodded in Quinn’s direction. Prolonging the inevitable was not going to help.
Quinn positioned the ultrasound probe low on her abdomen. I zeroed in to the same dark sac that was there two days ago, and waited ... and there it was ... the tiny white flicker. A heartbeat.
“Lili, there’s your baby,” Quinn said in the best chipper voice and pointed to the screen.
My Blue gasped before breaking out into a smile that passed her beautiful blue eyes and pierced my fucking heart. Then there they were, just like they were supposed to be—her tears of joy streamed down her face.
“The heartbeat looks much stronger today, I’m pleased. But as I explained to Chase the other day, it really is too soon to tell. First trimester exposures to any extremes, whether it be drugs, radiation or even temperature, they usually have an all or nothing effect. You and your body have been through a lot, Lili. We will just have to wait and see.”