I nodded.
A few short minutes later the tiny fluid-filled sac appeared on the screen. Our baby. The small white flicker contrasted against the black image. I brought Lili’s hand to my lips and held it there. She would have loved this. This was all fucking wrong. I should have been wiping away those sweet happy tears, not holding her comatose hand.
“By gestational sac and fetal pole, she’s about six weeks. But even this early, I usually like to see a faster heartbeat. It may have just started beating and that’s why it’s a bit slower. We will just have to wait and see.”
Wait and fucking see.
“We will scan her again in a day or so and reevaluate the strength.” She unplugged the portable ultrasound and neatly tucked Blue under the blanket. Her face was somber. “I wish I had more to tell you.”
Me too.
Now I was left with a decision. I walked out toward the ICU nurses’ station and saw my team waiting. They all looked distraught.
“Chase, man, I just heard, what the fuck?” Jack shook his head. “I can’t believe that asshole, fucking strung out on his own anesthesia meds.”
“How is she?” Guy asked.
“Same. She needs the KimCore. Got to get this swelling down if she has a fucking chance of waking up ... intact.” They knew exactly what I meant. Coming out of a coma after a traumatic brain injury was one thing, but waking up without residual damage to deal with for the rest of your life was another fucking matter completely. “Get the sterile tray set up, I’m doing it.” I waited for the whole conflict of interest bullshit to come up, but it didn’t. My team knew better.
“No problem. I’m on it.” Guy rolled in the cart holding the small pump that regulated temperature and the packaged cooling catheter and tubing. The unit I spent eighteen hours a day working on to develop. The unit that might have given my sister a fucking chance if it had existed the night of her accident. Kimi’s unit. I rubbed the burn behind my sternum. I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.
“Chase, you okay?”
“No.” I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be until my girl was awake and smiling again.
Her groin was prepped and draped and I placed my fingers over her pulse. Her pulse was my lifeline. It was our connection. We were perfectly synced. There was no way I was going to let this pulse stop beating.
The tiny catheter slid easily into position and the cool liquid infiltrated her system. I hated that only time would tell. I sunk into the chair that became my new home and did the only thing I could. I waited. And I prayed.
Hours turned into days. People came and went, but I never budged. Kate and Leanne, my driver Pete, even her security buddies and her fucking cart guy came to show their support. I wasn’t surprised. Blue was selfless. She accepted everyone, no questions asked. She listened and never judged. These people fucking loved her. She loved them just the same. She was pure sweet in every sense of the word. And she was mine.
I ate, slept and showered, never leaving the tenth floor. Asher showed up a day after the attack and parked his ass by my side. If it weren’t for him, I’d be in the same scrubs, eating fucking saltines. He was my only connection to the outside world.
Forty-eight hours passed in a fucking blur. “Chase, it’s time to pull the catheter. She’s completely rewarmed.” Guy pulled me from my groggy state. I lifted my heavy head from her bed; no more words were spoken.
Guy and Sam rounded to the other side of her bed and hesitated. My residents were waiting for the go-ahead. I nodded and rubbed Lili’s hand. It no longer felt like ice. Guy folded the blanket over, uncovering her bare groin. Fuck, I hated how exposed she was. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch.
It was an agonizingly slow five seconds.
Sam finally spoke. “You want us to sandbag the area?” I snapped my eyes open and nailed him with my answer. Was this kid fucking kidding me? “It’s okay ... um … we’ll hold pressure.” Sam sounded embarrassed.
Yes, you fucking will, do I ever fucking sandbag anyone?
Thirty-five minutes later, Sam hadn’t moved. The kid was a fucking statue holding pressure over the spot where the catheter was removed. His face was the color of a beet and his eyes never dared to stray from the ceiling tiles, avoiding her nakedness under his white knuckled grip. Good kid.
The sun set behind the glass window, only the night sky illuminated the small room. Time was irrelevant. I hummed her favorite song. Our song. I wouldn’t give up on her, on us. It didn’t matter how long; I would never give up on her coming back to me. God knows we’re worth it.
“Chase.” I heard that voice too many times in my dreams to count. I had to be fucking delirious. “Dr. Handsome.” The death grip I had around her fingers tightened, but it wasn’t my force squeezing. I was scared to lift my head and open my eyes. Too many times my dreams had vanished when I woke up to my nightmare. “Chase…” It was low and broken, but it was her voice. In this very moment my nightmare ended and my dream became a reality. I breathed for the first time in two fucking days, a deep fucking breath. The hot tears that I struggled to keep bottled up since I found her lifeless body poured like a faucet. Her trembling hand tried to ruffle my hair, and I buried my face deeper into her side. I couldn’t get close enough.