Sam probably saw the melancholy squeezing me. “Don’t worry, Lil.” If only Sam knew what was actually squeezing me. My gut. My heart. From here on out every time I heard about a patient with a traumatic brain injury I was going to relive the nightmare all over again. I finally understood Chase’s daily struggle. “Looks like the kid’s gonna do fine. Was probably a soft call to hook him up to begin with. They’re way more aggressive with the kids, trying to prevent any long-term brain damage if they can. He’s already rewarming. Plan is to pull the tubing today.” Sam was rambling as my mind was wandering, but the word tubing caught me by surprise.
“Tubing?” He was getting a little too technical for me. I was lucky I got the concept of hypothermia at all. At least I thought I got it. Cool the body temperature down for a day or two, help reduce brain swelling and hopefully wind up with less damage in the end. Then slowly rewarm the patient for another day or so to avoid the bad stuff that could happen if you didn’t. That was the extent of my understanding, which was fine with me. But after my personal guided tour this weekend, I’m not sure Dr. Brillant would have been impressed with my layperson’s synopsis.
Already bitten by the teaching bug, Sam explained anyway. “It’s actually a catheter, like a huge IV, attached to tubing—that’s why we call it that. Goes in a large vein in the groin. When we pull it out it can bleed like a bitch, so we basically have to stand there and hold pressure for half an hour. They make a sandbag contraption that can hold pressure for you, some of the other attendings use it, but it’s not good enough for Colton.”
“Oh, okay.” That was a lot of information that I probably could have done without. Catheter in the groin, lots of bleeding. Yeah, probably didn’t need that visual so early in the morning. “Well I’m glad the kid is doing well, glad the tubing is coming out. I’ll have to stop in and visit him later.”
“I’m gonna head in now and see him, if you wanna come.” Sam started down the hall.
“Um no, I’m good, you go. I’m going to find the peds’ residents and run the list. I’ll check in on him later.” I was not ready to go into that room. I needed a minute, a pause to pull myself together.
“Okay, see ya later, Lil,” Sam responded, sensing my hesitation.
My great mood unfortunately dampened. I didn’t want it to, but I couldn’t help it. After meeting with my peds’ team—all of whom were pretty cool, thankfully—I retreated to my office for some quiet alone time with my heap of paperwork. But I got nothing done because I was too distracted. I couldn’t get the kid up on seven off my mind, wondering if Chase heard about him and if it was affecting him the way it affected me. Shit. And these weren’t even my demons to fear. How was it possible to deal with it daily? Choosing a career in a field of medicine that had the power to trigger his worst memories on a daily basis just proved how completely selfless he truly was. I loved him more for it, but it didn’t stop me from worrying about him. It had to be pure torture some days. Even though he had made such big strides this weekend, I feared he could fall back into his black hole of grief and guilt. It was so easy to slip, too easy.
By noon, I needed a little fresh air and made a pit stop at my favorite food cart. I opted for decaf tea over any more coffee and a scone from Jorge then picked a bench by the river. My phone chimed.
Hope you’re having a better day than me.
Xo
Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I hoped he was talking about being swamped.
Crazy busy too.
Miss you, xoxo
“Lili, you’re back?” My back stiffened at the sound of my name.
“Hey, Guy.” Time was up.
“Colton’s slammed, first minute I’ve had all day. Needed a little fresh air before I lost it up there.”
“Yeah, it’s beautiful out here, nice breeze coming off the water.” Oh crap, I resorted to talking about the weather. Shit. Shit. Shit. What was my alternative? That stinks how crazy busy you are, must be because your boss took yesterday off to pour his heart out and spend time with his girlfriend—did I mention that’s me?
“Yeah, end of August usually sucks. It’s like a wet towel slapping your face.”
Oh this was so not going well. He totally engaged in my weather bullshit. I glanced down at my chiming phone.
How about you show me how much.
Where r u?
Of course Chase had a minute now. It was obvious they were in between cases, hence Guy standing in front of me. But I owed Guy a little time without interruption. Hell, I owed him some sort of explanation. Not only had I left him on the dance floor and run off, I ignored half a dozen texts asking to talk all weekend. Our friendship was important to me. Chase needed to wait.