“Sarah?” I asked, looking her in the eye.
“If I leave, Amy,” she said slowly. “She’ll still be here, but not as strong. Not as real. You won’t be able to touch her.”
I looked back to my mother, who had her arms lightly on my shoulders.
“Stay, then,” I replied, and looked around for somewhere we could both sit. Finding an apple box, I nudged it over with my foot, not letting go of her. It’s like we were playing some sort of bizarre theater game; never breaking contact. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to.” She brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. “I know everything. And it’s tough, Amy, but you will get through this.”
“How do you know?” I asked, biting my lip. “Can you see the future?”
“The other world… isn’t like here, Amy. There is no time, no past, present and future. I can see the choices you can make and the consequences they lead to.”
“I’m just so tired,” I replied, sniffling. “When I was away, I hated being gone, and now that I’m here, I hate it too. And I can’t… I don’t know what’s going on with Liam and me, and it’s been 18 years of doctor’s appointments and needles and medication and I don’t know if I can take it anymore!” My voice had reached a hysterical pitch and it broke.
She laid a soft kiss on my forehead. “Ssssh, my love, I know. I know. And that is a choice you can make, my love, and it will lead to the consequence that you feel is the easiest.” She met my eyes and I nodded, feeling relief go through my chest. “But life is not easy, my darling, and easy won’t always make you happy. Especially someone with a spirit as strong as you.”
I shook my head. “Mom, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I will support you with whatever choice you make,” she replied, brushing a tear away from my cheek. “You don’t have to pretend to be anyone. At least, anyone you don’t want to.” She gave me a small smile. “But I want you to fight, my love. You have such a strong future and there is so much more you can achieve. You can fight this, Amy, and you will enjoy your life.”
“But I can’t beat this.” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “You know that. Nothing has changed from when you were around. They still can’t cure it.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m not promising you anything, Amy. So many things depend on your choices and the choices of the people around you. But no matter what, I will support you, and the outcome will be something you’ve worked for, one way or another.”
I turned this over in my head. She seemed to know my thoughts before I was thinking them. She knew me as if she spent my whole life beside me, like she had spent her life raising me and letting me know her values and traditions. And looking deep into her eyes, I felt like I knew her too, like I could see into her soul. I knew her well. I could see how it would have been; whether she was waiting in the kitchen with cookies or whether she was telling me about how to deal with boys. I was as comfortable beside her as with my father, which was strange, because I hadn’t actually known her my whole life. But she was my mother, and she always would be.
“What about Dad?” I asked. “I’m sure you want to see Dad.”
She nodded. “Of course. When the time is right, I would love to. I’m sure he has much to share with me.”
“But, don’t you know it all already?”
She winked at me. “Listening to it in his own words would be a treat. But tell him when the time is right, Amy. All of this, I’m not sure he’s ready for. You’ve had a year to process it all, and it’s still strange for you, isn’t it? Imagine how your father would feel as you explain to him all of this at once.”
“Maybe you’ll be a good introduction to this wacky world,” I replied.
She shrugged. “When he’s ready, Amy. Now, is there anything you want to ask me?”
Questions and comments slammed into each other. I completely forgot that Sarah was there at all. She had remained completely quiet the whole time, playing on her phone and giving me the space I needed to be with my mother.
I must have asked her everything I had ever wanted, and still had burning thoughts in my mind. I felt like I had regressed to a four year old, curious about everything. And she told me everything I wanted to know: about love, about life, about how to deal with the disease when it got bad. She understood exactly how I was feeling, and told me what helped to motivate her onwards. But when it came to the topic of Liam specifically, I clammed up.