After I got to her place, I realized it was pretty late. Not wanting to scare her by buzzing the door at almost eleven, I decided to text first.
Caine: Are you awake?
The dots started to jump around. That answered that question.
Rachel: Yes.
Caine: Think we can do a little earlier than after class tomorrow?
Rachel: Sure. What time?
Caine: Right now.
Rachel: I think it’s better if we speak in person.
Caine: Me too. I’m downstairs. Can I come up?
My phone rang a minute later.
“Are you joking?”
I pressed her bell in response. “That’s me.”
After she buzzed me in, I waited in front of the elevator. The damn thing was too slow. Now that I was here and she’d let me in, I was desperate to see her. My heart beat unnaturally fast in my chest as I waited. Impatient, I looked around for a door leading to a stairwell. Once I found it, I flung it open to take the stairs two at a time.
Rachel’s door opened just as I arrived on her floor. “You’re really here.”
I couldn’t tell whether she was happy or upset that I’d come without warning—her face was mostly just shock.
“I am.”
She stood in the doorway in a thin, cotton T-shirt and shorts. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and her face was wiped clean of makeup. I’d seen her looking beautiful all dressed up for an opera, but she was never more beautiful than in this moment.#p#分页标题#e#
“Can I come in?”
She stepped aside. “Sure. Of course.”
On the drive over, I’d decided that before she said whatever was on her mind—whether that be telling me off, telling me she was seeing someone else, telling me to fuck off, or even on the long shot that she’d be telling me she was willing to give me another chance—I was going to tell her how I felt about her. I was done keeping secrets from this woman.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
My mouth was parched from nerves and the race up the stairs. “Some water would be great. Thanks.”
While Rachel got me some water, I looked around the room, finding the wall of photos that always caught my attention. My eyes fixated on the photo of Rachel and her roommates. Davis, to be specific. I needed to know. So, when she brought me the water, I asked point blank without any preamble.
“Are you seeing Davis again?”
“No.”
“I saw you with him last week at O’Leary’s.”
“I know.”
“You saw me?”
“No. Ava saw you. Why didn’t you stay to talk to me if you came all the way there?”
I hung my head. “I was trying to do the right thing.”
“The right thing? What does that mean?”
“Let you be with someone better for you than me. Walk away.”
She seemed to contemplate that for a moment. “Why are you here now then?”
I sighed. “Because I’m a selfish asshole.”
“I don’t understand.”
I waited until she was looking in my eyes and decided to say what I should have said weeks ago. “I lied to you. I kept things from you. I got you hurt. I’m the reason you have a scar on your back. You have zero reasons to want to trust me or give me another chance, but I have to try.” I took a deep breath. “I have to try because I love you, Rachel. I’m so fucking desperately in love with you.”
She looked like she might cry. Dread knotted in the pit of my stomach.
“I don’t blame you for anything that happened, Caine. That’s not why I couldn’t see you for a while. I couldn’t see you because I couldn’t look at you. I’m so ashamed of everything that happened.”
“Ashamed? What are you talking about? You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rachel looked down. “I let things go on for a long time and didn’t tell anyone. I should have gone to the police. Or told a teacher. If I had been less afraid, maybe my sister wouldn’t have gotten things so badly. Maybe she wouldn’t have spent half her life in and out of rehab. I was the only one who could have done something about what was going on, and I didn’t.”
I placed my hand under Rachel’s chin and lifted, forcing her to look at me. My heart broke when I saw tears streaming down her face.
“You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.”
“I should have—“
“You should have been a ten-year-old girl who went out and rode her bike without a care in the world. That’s what you should have been doing. The only person who did anything wrong to your sister was Benny. You were ten and scared and didn’t even fully understand everything that was happening. And even then, you did try to tell someone. You told me. I was older. I should’ve known better and gotten help.”