Beautiful Mess(58)

“Yeah, I guess that is a question you would have. And I think you deserve an answer,” he looked back up at her. “I guess it all started after my mom left. My dad was devastated, and even though I was young I could see it. And I quickly learned that if I was sad, or cried, or even asked about my mom, my dad would completely shut down. He’d leave me with a babysitter and go to the bar, or lock himself in his room all night. So, I started being what I thought he needed me to be. Happy, normal, well adjusted. I hid all my pain and problems from him so he wouldn’t worry, or spiral into depression. I also tried to cheer him up and make him laugh as much as possible. If he was happy, my life was better. As I grew up, I pretended to be interested in the things he was, football, cars, poker. And I kept from him anything that didn’t fit in with what he wanted or needed.

“In school, my friends seemed to want something different from me, too. They liked my sense of humor, but also wanted me to be smart like them, or play sports with them. So, whatever my friends were into, I got into. Then, in the ninth grade my dad wanted me to try out for the football team, even though it wasn’t my favorite sport. Of course, he didn’t know that, he still doesn’t,” Cole gave a sad smile. “I made the team, and suddenly all of the kids I was hanging out with were the popular kids. They were selfish, shallow, superficial, and automatically expected me to be that way too. I’d seen the way they looked down on everyone who wasn’t like them. So, I had a choice to make. I could be what they wanted me to be and be popular, or I could be true to myself and be a nobody.” Cole sighed, “So, I made the easy choice.”

Bri couldn’t speak, she had no idea what to say to him. She felt bad for him, but couldn’t believe he had really chosen this. Catching the shocked look on her face, Cole hurried to explain.

“You have to understand. By that point, I’d been hiding inside myself for so long, I wasn’t even sure who the real Cole Marra was anymore. And instead of fighting to find out, it was just easier to be who everyone wanted me to be. Like I said, I made the easy choice, not the right one” he shrugged.

Bri couldn’t hold back her question.

“But, if who you are changes all the time, how can you even know what’s real anymore?”

“It didn’t take me long to realize that I did not want to be like my arrogant, shallow friends. At all. I could pretend easily enough, but I didn’t want that to be who I became. So I started thinking about what I did want. What I really liked, and wanted to do. I thought about what, if it was just me and no one else, I would want and who I would want to be. And I started doing those things. I started painting because I liked it, and it was a great outlet for me. I started spending more time alone, away from my friends, where I could be myself. That was one of the reasons I went down to Venice Beach last summer. I needed a break from everyone else’s expectations of me, so I could figure out who I was and what I wanted. I can’t tell you how liberating that was, to finally be able to be myself. That was the Cole you met, the real me. You know me, Ambria. Even if you don’t think you do.” He gazed at her earnestly.

She felt so torn. She wanted to believe him, to put all her doubts aside. But she just couldn’t, not yet.

“But how do I know that?” she asked dismally. “How do I know that my Cole isn’t just another personality you concocted based on what you thought I wanted you to be?” As sad as Cole’s story made her, it filled her with fear just the same.

“Because, Bri, you are the first person who hasn’t expected anything from me!” he exclaimed fervently. “You didn’t judge me, or see only what you wanted. You just took me in and accepted what you found. I didn’t have to try to be what you expected me to be, because you accepted me just as I was.”

“But, Carly didn’t have any expectations of you either. She never said anything like that,” Bri was confused.

“Yes, Carly did. She may not have spoken it aloud, but she did. She took one look at me and decided that I was a typical, boneheaded guy who would happily accept any proposition she offered. That all I was interested in was hooking up with any girl that showed interest.” He eyed her, daring her to disagree.

“Okay, so maybe Carly did,” Bri relented. “But, not everyone you meet wants something from you.”

“Yes, they do,” Cole deadpanned.

“Well, what about Serena?” She shook her head, still not convinced. “You two had a relationship. You must’ve been able to be yourself with her at some point.”