Thanksgiving came and went, quiet disappointment heavy in the air. With my parents retiring early in my room, I settled in to read an essay by a sophomore student when a text came from Auburn.
I’m outside.
My heart tightened, my stomach dropped.
Really? I typed and hit send.
I needed to see you, just for a minute. I promise.
Be right down. I responded and rushed to slip on my shoes and jacket as quietly as possible. I took the steps two at a time and turned the corner, my eyes scanning the street for her form. The tiny town was silent, the November wind crisp enough to bite the nose and pink the cheeks. I shoved my hands in my pockets and took a few steps, rounding the corner in the alleyway where Auburn and I had fucked so carelessly this summer.
It all felt like a dream now.
“Hi,” her voice carried on the wind and landed as soft as angel's wings on my ears.
“Come here.” I opened my arms and she ducked into them as I tucked us into the shadow of the building so even if someone did pass by we would remain out of sight.
“I've missed you so much,” I mumbled into her hair, relishing in her scent. My eyes closed as I slipped away with her, just the two of us. We could escape, leave everything behind and just be happy, maybe in Europe. London or Rome, Paris in the winter. My heart screamed at me to run upstairs and pack a bag, but my head knew that I couldn't run from this.
Auburn’s shoulders quivered in mine, I wasn’t sure whether it was the cool temperature or sobs wracking her frame. Maybe it was both. My heart felt big enough for the two of us.
“I can't do this anymore. I’ve tried, I really have. I want to be there for you, and what you’re going through is so much harder than anything I’ve ever experienced, but this just hurts too much.” The words fell out of her mouth in a tired jumble.
“Jesus, I know. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t give her excuses. There weren't any to give. I wanted to be with her just as much as she wanted to be with me. There was just no way around it. “This isn’t fair to ask you, and I understand if you won’t, but just give me a little more time.”
Auburn pushed away from me, shaking her head. “I can't.” She swiped at angry tears on her cheeks. My heart broke as I watched her's crack and splint.
“You deserve so much better.” I paused as my heart roared in my ears, deafening my final words. “I can’t lose you.” I placed warm lips on her forehead as I held her cheeks in my hands. Her head shook angrily, eyes clenched shut avoiding my gaze. “Just a little while longer. I have to make sure Mel is okay. I'm afraid if she got the papers right now, it would break her. Believe me, I would have left for good three months ago. That night at the lighthouse, I could have left with you right then. If I was younger, unattached, but I’m not. I have to close this chapter in my life before I can start another one.”
“God! I know!” She screamed and tossed her arms in the air. “I just hate being that girl!” She swiped at stubborn tears. “I feel like I'm nagging you, begging you to choose me!”
“But don’t you see?” I screamed finally losing it right there in that shadowed, dingy alley. “I can’t choose you!” I yelled and thrust my hands through my hair before stalking deeper in to the alley. Her footsteps followed before I heard her stop. I turned to face her again, “If I choose you, Mel could destroy both of us! She’s angry and vindictive and her dad is on the school board! All it would take is one false accusation and she could destroy me! If I choose you, chances are really fucking good I’ll lose my job, even though you’re not my student, of age, and been gone for years! So you see Auburn, I can’t choose you. And the fuck of it is, you have my heart, so that means I can't choose me.” I finished, breathless and defeated. The relief that followed my tirade was bittersweet when I saw the look of utter loss on her face. “Jesus, I'm sorry.” I went to her, encased her in my arms and let her sob into my jacket.
“This feels like hell,” she weeped.
Tears pulled behind my eyelids as my heart slowed. “I know.” I choked as I held her in the chilled night, rocking to a soft tune in my head, soaking up my light before she was gone again.
twenty-four
December rioted in with snowfall that broke records, and freezing temperatures that chilled to the bone. Auburn and I spoke less as the weeks passed, only intensifying the chill in my heart. We no longer tried to mimic what we’d once had. The easy laughs and heartfelt conversations we’d shared through the summer now replaced with long silences and awkward one-word answers.