"Yes!" I hadn't meant for it to come out so loudly, but the fight inside wouldn't die. "It most certainly matters, Novah. If he's this way because of some magical happy pills, then he really isn't happy, now is he?"
"That's how you think of it? No … you've got it all wrong."
"If he were to stop taking them-"
"You don't even know if he is."
"If he is on medicine, and he stops taking it, then he would be just as miserable as I am. So if you think about it like that … he's really no different than me."
Novah leaned back in the seat and covered her face with her hands. I couldn't decipher how she felt any more than I could understand my own emotions. They seemed all over the place. I wasn't mad, angry, or upset. I was simply lost.
And now, alone.
Alone because for the first time since Novah came back into my life, it seemed as though she didn't understand me at all.
"Have you tried medication?" Her question was so quiet I barely heard her over the wipers and the rain. But the pain in her voice could've been heard through a tornado.
"Once. But I didn't like it. I felt like it was a Band-Aid, and I wanted to fix the problem instead of just covering it up."
"It doesn't always work that way, Nolan."
"I know. But it doesn't hurt to try, right?"
She was quiet, and I worried what it meant. Fear burned so bright, so hot inside my chest, I was sure it'd obliterate my heart, leaving me with nothing left. If she walked away from me … I'd be nothing. I'd have no reason to push forward. Novah was the only one on my side, helping me get past this pain running through me, and without her, I'd never survive.
"My issues have always stemmed from what happened between us. Going off to war. That's what lives inside my head, and what causes me this agony that follows me everywhere. With you, I've been able to work through it. I'm not all the way there, but I feel like it's working. Especially after yesterday. I think I have a better understanding of why I am like this."
"After your display tonight, I don't think you understand anything, Nolan. You think you do, but in reality, you have no idea." Instead of saying anything else, she turned her head and stared out the window in silence.
I waited for her to continue, hoping the longer I remained quiet, it might push her to speak. But it didn't. The only sounds filling the car were the windshield wipers and the rain pounding against the glass.
"How can you say that? I told you I realized how blaming myself for all these years has affected me, and I've turned it around. I've learned a lot since being with you. You even said you've noticed a change in me. So why are you suddenly changing your mind now? Why are you going back on that and saying I'm just as lost and confused as I was before?"
She turned her head to look at me. When I chanced a glance in her direction, I noticed the pain written all over her face.
And I died a little more inside.
"You have shown signs of improvement. I can tell you're overcoming a lot. But I think … especially now … you have yet to uncover the real roadblock."
"What do you mean?"
"You say you're like this because you lost your leg. You use that as an excuse all the time. You went after Mike tonight because of it. Yet no one would even know if you didn't show or tell them. I had no idea you walked around on a prosthetic leg until you dropped your pants in the middle of my studio."
"That doesn't change the fact I have one."
"And you can't do anything about that. So why obsess over it? Why be so distraught over having a prosthetic leg when no one sees it? Mike was right when he said you're the one setting your own limitations. You talk about how you can't get your leg wet. I did some research … did you know they have waterproof legs available?"
I shook my head, not caring to hear what she had to say any longer. It had begun to feel like a personal attack. Like her and Mike had teamed up against me and I was left to defend myself. Yet I had no defense.
"You have it in your head your issues stem from our moment fifteen years ago. That had it not happened, you never would've been sent off to war. You never would've lost your leg. This morning you told me how blaming yourself over what we shared way back then has kept you from moving forward. If you want my opinion, Nolan, I don't think it's any of those things."
"What are you talking about? Of course it is."
"No, it's not. I think it's a safe bet to say the fuse had been lit long before that. Whatever it was, something else started it. The war, the leg, the recovery … those things amplified it. And then your inability to forgive yourself has held you back. I'm not saying everything you've been through hasn't been damaging. But I honestly believe had you not experienced those things, something else would've set it off."
"Then what is it, Novah? Huh? If it wasn't watching people die or losing a valuable body part, what has me so fucked up?"
"I can't answer that." Her tiny voice was such a stark contrast to the heated mood inside the car. The anger shrouding me seemed to have not affected her in any way. "That's something you have to figure out. But in order to do that, you have to stop blaming the other things. Stop putting so much emphasis on your leg or on going to war."
I pulled the car into the parking garage and turned into my space. After throwing the gearshift into park, I said, "I was a normal person before that happened. So I'd have to disagree with your assumption."
Novah didn't respond. She didn't look at me or even acknowledge I was there. She simply removed her seatbelt and then stepped out of the car. Even as I met her around the back, she was cold and distant. I tried to give her a hug, but all I got in return was a loose arm around my waist before she turned and headed out of the garage to the visitors' parking lot.
I watched as she walked out into the deluge of rain, moving farther and farther away from me. Everything inside ached. My chest constricted to the point I believed I'd had a thousand-ton brick crushing me. My head pulsed and my eyes burned.
I didn't want her to walk away from me.
I needed her.
So I took off after her, not caring I'd get soaked in the process. Every step, every time I called out her name in panic, she ignored me and kept walking. I chased her down until we both reached her car.
I grabbed her arm and spun her around until we were chest to chest. Then I held her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me, not giving her a chance to get away. The rain pelted her face, but it didn't stop her from keeping her eyes open and locked on mine.
"Don't give up on me, Novah. Please. Don't leave me. I need you." The rain might've covered the tears on my face, but nothing could hide it from my voice.
She finally took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly. Her posture seemed to relax against me, but I couldn't allow myself to believe this was over.
"I'm not giving up on you, Nolan. I could never do that. But I also can't sit back and watch you destroy yourself because you're too blind to see the truth." Her voice went in and out as melancholy clogged every word.
A sob wrenched itself from my chest just before my forehead fell to hers. I hated myself for this. I hated myself because I couldn't fix anything, and because of that, she had given up on me.
"I've done all I can for you. The rest is up to you, Nolan. Only you can fight this battle. You really need to take a good look at your life and figure out the root of it all, and then conquer it. You've already begun to deal with everything else, but you'll never truly get over it if you don't address the initial hurdle."
"I need you … " I cried, my eyes tightly shut.
"No you don't. I'm nothing more than a crutch for you. You have to do this on your own. You have to stand on your own two feet and defend yourself. I can't fight your battles for you."
"Please … "
"I love you, Nolan. That will never change. And I'll always be here. Whenever you need me, I'll be here."
The fight inside returned as I realized her words. I released my hold on her and took a step back. "You're leaving me. You're giving up on me. You said you weren't doing that. But you are."
Novah reached out and grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling herself against me. "I'm not going anywhere. And I'm certainly not giving up on you. But I can't continue to be your cheerleader if you won't get off the bench and get in the game. I can't do this for you. You have to be the one. Only you can figure out the true reason you've locked yourself up so tight in your own head."
I wanted to walk away.
I wanted to kiss her.
I wanted to yell at her.
I wanted to grab her and hold tight.
But instead of doing any of those things, I only stood there and stared into her eyes, the ones that had always reminded me of the ocean. Except instead of calm waters, they were raging, threatening to take me down.