"I get my strength from you."
I linked my fingers behind his neck and pulled his lips to mine. I told him everything I couldn't put into words in that kiss.
You're worth it.
You are strong all on your own.
I wouldn't be who I am without you.
I needed him to know that, to believe it, to trust in it. Because I had a feeling the toughest moments were yet to come. We were at the cusp of his journey, the crucial point where he'd stand on his own or fall. And if he couldn't recognize his own strength, he wouldn't have the confidence to hold himself up.
My phone sounded, notifying me of an incoming text. Nolan ended the kiss and backed away, going back to the toast he'd left behind on the counter. I glanced around the kitchen and found my cell on the bar top area. It suddenly hit me how I hadn't brought it to the kitchen with me after getting out of bed.
"How did my phone get out here?"
"It wouldn't stop going off this morning and I didn't want it to wake you." He turned his head to look at me. "I didn't go through it, I swear. I only brought it out here and set it down."
Ignoring his paranoid admission-I honestly didn't care if he'd gone through it-I picked it up and noticed the numerous messages from Shari.
"She wants to know if we're free tonight for dinner," I said, reading through her texts. The longer I'd gone without replying to her, the more impatient they became. "What should I tell her?"
It had taken days to convince him to go to dinner in the first place, and when he canceled our date last night, I'd assumed it was because he didn't feel comfortable going. So when he said, "Sounds good to me," it took me by surprise. I was sure I would have to spend more time talking him into it.
I didn't question him, I only responded to Shari and told her we would meet her at six. The last thing I wanted to do was give Nolan an opportunity to back out of it.
I'd gone home after talking to Shari to grab some clothes, and then I headed back to Nolan's. We ended up spending the day together, relaxing and taking it easy. We even got ready for dinner together, sharing the bathroom as we got dressed. It seemed so normal, as though it was our regular routine we did on a daily basis.
Not once throughout the day did he appear to be hesitant or uneasy regarding spending the evening with Shari. He actually seemed a little excited about it, and I had a hard time containing my own enthusiasm. It was almost as if he'd become a different person overnight. He truly did seem to have a different outlook on things, and I only hoped it would continue.
He held my hand the entire drive to the restaurant. And as we made our way to the table to wait for Shari and Mike to arrive, Nolan's posture was relaxed. He genuinely appeared to be content.
But when Shari walked in with Mike, Nolan's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. I couldn't quite pinpoint where his surprise seemed to have come from other than from seeing Mike.
"What are you doing here?" Nolan asked as he stood to shake hands and greet them. "I didn't realize you knew Shari."
Mike's grin lit up his face. His happiness shone brighter than the lights above us. He truly was good for my best friend, and it seemed as though she was just as good for him.
"I guess I have you to thank for that. If you hadn't sent me to Novah's studio, I probably never would've met Shari."
Nolan nodded slowly, his expression contorting into something unfamiliar. He didn't appear to be confused, yet questions danced in his eyes as the rest of his features fell slack.
I wouldn't really call our dinner conversation uncomfortable, but it certainly wasn't easy and carefree. While Shari and I talked like normal, it was almost as though Mike had to pull words from Nolan. I didn't understand it, but I didn't dare question him while we were at the table. I simply held his hand and hoped he could relax like he had been all day.
Eventually, I stopped holding side conversations with my friend and joined in with the guys. I thought if we all were involved in the same topic, it would be easier for Nolan to talk. Yet it proved to do the opposite. Instead of being involved in the conversation, he sat back and listened as everyone else spoke, nodding a few times but not really participating in the discussion around the table.
"So what's new with you, Mike? Shari told me you have some trip coming up next weekend? Where are you going?" I finally gave up trying to include Nolan and decided to do my best to enjoy my evening.
"Yeah. My buddy hooked me up with this amazing chance to cage dive in the Keys. We're taking a boat down there early Friday morning and coming back sometime that night." He winked at Shari, which earned him a giggle from my friend. "I don't wanna be away from my girl for too long."
"What's cage diving?" I asked, sincerely interested.
"Well, you put on dive gear, but instead of free-diving on your own, you're lowered down in the water in a cage."
I nodded, trying to pretend I understood the point of it, but then I gave up and asked, "Why would you do that?" Heat instantly ignited in my cheeks at my own stupidity.
Mike must've seen it because he laughed. "Aside from the obvious, it's because they take you out in shark-infested waters. That way, I can swim with the sharks without losing any more limbs." He wagged his eyebrows in jest.
"Yeah … we don't want anything happening to those hands of yours," Shari teased.
"You should come, Nolan." Mike suddenly became excited at the idea of bringing Nolan with him. "It's gonna be a lot of fun. I think you'll really enjoy it."
"I don't think so. I have work to do. I was out a couple days last week, so I can't take more time off." His words were believable, but his tone didn't seem to match. It sounded as if it'd been an excuse.
"Well, if you change your mind, let me know. There's plenty of room on the boat. I think he's only taking a few of us out."
I watched as Nolan's shoulders fell slightly. Had I not paid attention, I would've missed it. Everything about his posture made my chest ache for him. It was clear his thoughts weren't with us at the table, like he'd gone somewhere else in his mind. I no longer wanted to be in a roomful of people, and I wished we could've been alone where we could talk.
"How do you do it?" Nolan asked, his question barely a whisper yet it could be heard around the table. His eyes seemed lost and his voice sounded uncertain. And the way he sat in his chair with his hands in his lap showed just how vulnerable he was in that moment.
The grin on Mike's face fell instantly, and silence consumed the three of us as we all turned our full attention to Nolan.
"How do I do what?" Mike asked carefully, keeping his tone low as if his question would scare Nolan off.
He shrugged and then flitted his gaze around the room, avoiding looking right at any of us. His respirations had turned shallow, and I worried he might be on the verge of a panic attack. But then he focused on something in front of him on the table and took a deep breath, regaining his composure before speaking.
"You're so fucking happy … all the time. Nothing brings you down. Nothing. You go cage diving with sharks, and then joke about losing more body parts. You don't have legs, Mike. How do you do it?" Nolan's voice had turned harsher, more condemning the longer he went on, and I could see the anger building behind his eyes. "How do you find the courage to laugh when you can't even walk on your own? Why would you even think of diving when you can't even swim?"
I worried Mike would lose his temper over Nolan's misplaced anger. I could understand where the frustrations had come from, but it didn't excuse his attitude, nor did it give him the right to attack Mike. But instead of losing his patience or showing any sign of being offended, Mike just sat there with soft, sympathetic eyes.
"That's what's holding you back, Nolan," Mike said, keeping his voice even and calm. "You see me as a cripple, someone without legs, while I see myself as a man. You see my limitations and assume they hold me back, but in reality, they're nothing more than obstacles for me to conquer … hurdles for me to jump. You say I can't walk. Well, I walked in here just fine on my own. No one carried me. And maybe I can't swim, but that clearly hasn't stopped me from getting in the water."
Nolan began to shift uncomfortably in his seat, and I knew Mike's words had gotten to him. I just didn't know what effect they'd have or what the outcome would be.
Mike leaned forward, closer to Nolan. "At some point, man, you have to stop letting your weaknesses hold you back. Make them stronger, be stronger, and overcome them. Yes, you lost a fleshy leg, but you gained a new one. And we've both seen some shitty-ass things, some of it so fucked up, I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming. But no one said you can't laugh or find happiness in the life you've been given. You're the one who's told yourself that. You're the only one stopping you from being fulfilled."