"That's just it … you're looking at it all wrong. You see the person you used to be-you've said it yourself … he was carefree. But instead of seeing him, all you do is compare that boy to the person in front of me right now. Stop comparing. I could look back on my former self from high school and compare her all day long to who I am today. Everyone can. It's part of life. We grow up, we move on from our childhoods, we become adults. We make bad decisions from time to time. We fuck up and make mistakes. But guess what? We learn and accept. We adapt. And that's your problem-you refuse to adapt."
"I've adapted just fine, thank you." He didn't say it maliciously or rude. It was actually spoken rather sadly and it made my heart ache. His tortured eyes and sorrowful tone sank into my chest and left it raw as if his torment and sorrow lived inside me.
I placed my hands on his chest, crawled into his lap, and straddled his thighs so his eyes were level with mine. "You refuse to make love to me because you don't know how to be with someone on a bed, using your leg as an excuse. I understand your hesitation to remove the prosthesis, and I'd never push you on that issue. But you can't even let go enough to see how it is possible."
"I have a metal rod for a leg. I have no knee."
I ran my hands down the front of his shirt to his belt buckle and unfastened it, and then I continued to work on the button and zipper as he stared at me in silence.
"You don't need your knees when someone is riding you." I balanced myself on the edge of his chair and pulled his pants down just enough to release him, and then I resituated myself on his lap. "It's called adapting, Nolan."
"Oh, is that what it's called?" His words were airy and strained, which matched the desperate grip he had on my waist.
I tugged on the knot in his tie until it loosened enough for me to pull it off. Then I unbuttoned his shirt. "Yes … and so is allowing yourself to be seen." Once I had his dress shirt fully opened, I worked on pushing his undershirt up, revealing his torso enough to explore it with my hands. "And touched."
His breaths turned shaky and his nostrils flared. His eyes grew darker as his jaw clenched, his muscles ticking beneath the short hairs on his face. I couldn't tell if it was restraint caused by our position, or panic due to my fingertips tracing his scar tissue.
"I wouldn't call that adapting."
My mouth closed over his, preventing him from speaking any more, and then I took his erection in my hand. I'd purposely left my panties in my glove box in the event I had to go this far. Like I said, he was unpredictable, but it'd taught me to expect everything. I lifted my hips and lined him up beneath the flow of my skirt.
I sank down slowly on him, prepared to torture him if needed until he conceded to my point. My gaze locked with his as I held onto him by his shoulders. His respirations quickened through his nose.
"Call it whatever you want, Nolan. Paint stripes on a dog, but it doesn't make it a zebra."
"Why are you talking?" He used his grip on my hips to try and move me, but I held firm, causing his eyes to widen in surprise.
"Because I need you to listen to me."
"I can't listen to you while I'm inside-oh shit! I don't have a condom on, Novah." The sheer panic in his voice had me completely frozen in place. I knew I was clean and safe … but I hadn't thought about him.
I had no idea where he'd been.
"Do I have something to worry about?" I asked in a whisper, fear of his answer embedded deep within my bones.
His wide eyes remained on mine, unblinking. His silence made me nauseous, but then he slowly shook his head. "Babies?"
"I'm on birth control. I'm talking about other things, Nolan. I'm clean, but what about you?"
The tight muscles in his face relaxed and his eyes closed. His relieved breath fanned over my face as his head fell forward slightly. "No. I'm clean."
His assuagement was contagious and it ran through me, easing my apprehension. "See? We're talking and you're inside me." I rolled my hips, eliciting a groan from his chest. "Can we talk about your inability to adapt now?"
"I think I'm adapting quite well right now. We're not standing. I'm not fucking you from behind or treating you like a warm hole to stick it in. And for the first time in my entire life, I'm having sex-if you can call it that-without a condom. If this isn't adapting, I don't know what is." The entire time he spoke, his eyes remained closed and his words were strained and forced out. I didn't know how much longer I had, so I needed to make it quick.
I stilled my hips and waited until his eyes opened and I knew I had his attention. "You are who you are, and you can't change it. No matter what reason brought you to this place, all that matters is you're here … you're alive." I placed my hand over the center of his chest. "Your heart is beating. You're breathing. And you're with me. Must you complain about it all the time?"
His full and deep sigh blew past his slightly parted lips and landed heavily on my chin. "I don't complain about being with you."
"Well, you're not happy about the person you've become. And I just so happen to like the person you are now, as much as the boy you once were."
His slight hiccup and closed eyes did not go unnoticed. I knew the only thing he'd focused on was how I'd said "like" instead of "love," which I almost did. But he wasn't ready for that yet. In order to compensate for it, I began to move my hips again, giving him another reason altogether to stop breathing.
"I believe the only way to uncover the light from inside you"-I watched his eyes open and he met my gaze-"is to reconnect with it. Find the boy who stole my heart. And the only way to do that is through the lens of a camera."
"Please stop talking," he begged with strangled words. "I can't … pay attention while you're … moving like that. And I just might … agree to anything right about … now."
I smiled inwardly, kissed the corner of his mouth, and picked up the speed of my undulating hips. "Just take the damn camera. Take it and use it." I began to lose my own train of thought as his body connected with mine, hitting all the right places and making my body temperature rise.
"Want a kidney, too? How about a million dollars."
"Dammit, Nolan. Stop talking," I rasped into his ear, holding him tight against me. I didn't care if his receptionist barged in on us or if his work phone rang. My body was on the edge and nothing could've stopped me from falling over with him.
His teeth sank into my neck, and it pushed me over. I clung to him and whimpered, my muscles straining and convulsing at the same time. Nolan had to use my hips to keep me moving, because I no longer had any control over my own body.
He wrapped his arms securely around my waist and held me against him, pumping himself in me until he couldn't move anymore. Then we sat like that for several minutes, both desperately attempting to catch our breath.
"Take the camera, Nolan."
He blew out a heavy lungful of air against my neck, but he didn't pull away. "And what will I do with it?"
I giggled. "Take pictures. It's usually what people do with cameras."
"You shouldn't have bought me a camera for me to just fuck around with."
"I didn't buy it. It's my old one from school."
He pushed me away just enough to look me in the eyes. His eyebrows rose high on his forehead.
"You said the other day you aren't familiar with the new ones, and you're used to film. Well, I happen to have an old SLR camera with a full supply of film that isn't being used. If you find yourself enjoying it, we can always convert you to the dark side of computer programs and digital technology."
He smirked and shook his head. "And how exactly do you expect me to develop this film? Last I checked, there's no place that does it anymore. Or I'd have to ship them off to be processed, which takes all the fun out of it."
"We make you a place to develop it," I said with a one-shoulder shrug, as if the answer was simple. "I could clear out the storage closet at the studio and turn it into a darkroom for you. Or we could turn your very empty home office into one."
"You really won't let this go, will you?"
I smiled and kissed his lips briefly. "Nope. Not until you find the lost boy and pull him out."
His hold on me strengthened as I made a move to lift myself off him. The pain in his stormy eyes shone clear as day; it forced me to halt and wait for him to say whatever he had on his mind.
"The other day, you asked me what my plans were after this … thing. But what if I'm right and that old version of me is dead? What if I never find him? What if I never become whole again? What are your plans if that happens?"