Beautiful Boy(38)

"W – why didn't you say anything?"

"You weren't physically hurting me, or violating me in any way. There  was no need to say anything. And yes … I faked the orgasm. You needed me  to get off so you could. But no matter how hard I tried to get there, I  couldn't."

No man likes to hear how he is unable to get a woman off. It bruises our egos and leaves us feeling like less of a man.

For me, I already felt like less of a man.

Less of a person.

Hearing how I couldn't satisfy Novah only solidified that  self-deprecating thought. And she must've seen it in whatever expression  I'd given her, because a sigh slid past her lips. Her hands moved to  frame my face, forcing me to focus on her.

"Stop, Nolan. Whatever you're thinking, stop. It was amazing-my  inability to get off last week had nothing to do with your efforts.  Clearly, because you just made me come harder than I've ever come  before."

I couldn't move or speak as I digested her every word. I was  humiliated-not for me, but for her-and the longer I stared into her  softening eyes, the more disgusted with myself I became. I was with  her … in her. I couldn't fathom how I didn't know something was off,  couldn't tell she was disconnected.         

     



 

She ran her fingertips over my eyes, down my cheeks, to my lips, and  then held them there as she commanded my attention with her forgiving  gaze.

"Listen to me, Nolan. I don't know what makes you tick, or why you need  things a certain way. I don't pretend to understand the things you do,  and I'd never presume to. But for whatever reason, you needed me that  way, and regardless of my feelings about it, I gave it to you. Just like  I'd faked the orgasm, because you needed me to come. So I got off the  only way I could-for you." Her voice lowered even more when she added,  "I'd do anything for you." Then she kissed me with so much passion, all  my blood ran to my rapidly growing erection.

"I don't want you to do that," I said into her mouth. I opened my eyes  once her lips left mine. "I don't ever want you to sacrifice anything  for me. I don't deserve it."

"You deserve everything, Nolan. One of these days, you'll make love to  me. I know that. You may not yet, but I do. And I'm willing to do  whatever you need me to in the meantime." She slid her hands to my bare  chest. "I'm already yours, remember?"

I stared into her eyes, wanting nothing more than to tell her again that  I love her. I wanted to see her reaction this time. But I couldn't. The  words turned into knots in my throat and choked me.

"Be with me, Nolan-anyway you can."

I lifted her onto the table and fit between her legs again. I sucked her  bottom lip into my mouth and then released it roughly. "Never-and I  mean don't ever-fake another orgasm with me. And if you need anything  from me that I'm not giving you, sexual or otherwise, tell me. Do you  understand?"

She breathed out her answer just as I slid back into her. And then I  brought her to another body-shuddering orgasm before claiming my own.

With her hands on me.





Fifteen





It didn't matter how many days came and went since that Saturday  afternoon in my dining room. My body still buzzed with electricity every  time I thought about it. And beyond the mind-altering orgasms he'd  given me, he'd taught me a lot.

First, I learned how nothing regarding Nolan is predictable. Nothing.  He'd proven that to me after his little test with his friends-which had  given me insight into the real reasons he couldn't find anything  beautiful in the tragically disfigured. Our meeting in his office, our  first "dinner" at his condo, and even the junkyard proved just how  unpredictable he was. Anytime I'd relax and finally believe we were  getting somewhere, he'd flip a switch and change the game on me.

Second, I learned how deep his insecurities ran. Just looking at him,  you'd never guess. He came across as a strong yet quiet person who knew  what he wanted and went after it. But that couldn't have been further  from the truth. Hearing about his inability to engage sexually in a  normal manner helped me see how things would be with him. And I had to  question if it would be enough for me. But I trusted Nolan, and I had  faith he wouldn't always be this damaged and would eventually open up.

Our biggest obstacle at the moment was his humiliation over his  injuries-namely, his leg. It's what kept him from fully relaxing around  me. Even Saturday night after we'd had sex, he couldn't partake in the  kind of after-sex bonding most women preferred. I'd never needed it  before, but with him, I did. Yet I couldn't have it. It also prevented  him from making love to me the way my heart longed for. But I knew in  time, it'd happen. And that belief is what kept me grounded through the  whole thing. I couldn't focus on it too much, otherwise, I knew I'd end  up pulling back, and that's not what he needed.

But no matter what he'd taught me that day, it didn't take away how I  felt about him. And those feelings were only confirmed when he'd told me  he loved me. Granted, I didn't say it back, and I still hadn't, but not  because I didn't believe the words to be true. I hadn't said them  because I knew if I did, everything would change. And until he found his  place in this world, I couldn't give in to change. I couldn't allow  myself to go there before I knew, without a doubt, he was ready for it.

I didn't question his love for me. In fact, I believe I knew it before  he even uttered those three words. It'd been in his expressions, his  eyes when he gazed longingly at me, in his touches. Actions do speak  louder than words. But just because I had an inkling about it doesn't  mean it hadn't shocked me to have it confirmed. I was in no way prepared  to hear that come from him so soon, mostly because he seemed to hold so  much back from me all the time. But it had warmed my heart and soul.         

     



 

I found a parking space in front of Nolan's office building and grabbed  the bag from the front seat before heading inside. An idea had come to  me Sunday morning, but I hadn't decided how to go about it until last  night. I'd previously checked his schedule, and when I found out he'd be  in his office all day today, I couldn't find a reason to wait any  longer, so on my lunch break, I headed up to his office to see him.

I walked right past the receptionist and down the hall to Nolan's  office. She muttered something, but I blocked it out. I'd been confident  every step of the way until I found myself standing in front of his  office door. His voice carried into the hallway, and I could only assume  he had company … or was on the phone. My fist paused in the air, seconds  away from rapping my knuckles on the hard wood. If he were on the phone,  he wouldn't be able to answer. However, if I just walked in and he had  company, it would be rude. So I settled on knocking first, and then  opening the door.

I hadn't even fully walked into his office by the time he slammed the  receiver down on the phone. His face burned with heated flames as he ran  his fingers through his short hair.

It was obvious he didn't know I was there, so I closed the door with  slight force, which finally caught his attention. Then his eyes met  mine, and I could physically see the tension fall away from his stiff  posture.

That was the unspoken love he held for me.

"Moving from lunch texts to lunch visits?" he asked with a growing grin  stretching across his face. Then his gaze moved to the bag over my  shoulder and his brow creased. "What's that?"

I didn't have to tell him what it was; it was obvious. But I pulled the  strap from my shoulder and walked to his desk before setting the black  bag down on the edge. "It's a present for you."

"Novah … "

"Before you object, hear me out." I waited until he relaxed in his seat,  and then I moved around the desk to sit on the edge in front of him.  "After hearing everything you had to say this weekend about cameras and  pictures … I believe your disconnect stems from it. You've somehow  separated yourself into two people, and the divide is the camera."

"The divide is what happened because of the camera. Not the actual device itself."

I held my hand up to silence him. "Regardless, it's because of this." I  pointed behind me to the bag on the opposite edge of the desk. "And I  believe the only way to bridge that gap is by putting a camera  permanently back in your hands again."

He shook his head and closed his eyes, as if he were exhausted by our conversation. "You don't get it, Novah."

"Oh, I think I get it perfectly fine. You're the one who doesn't get it,  Nolan." I added extra emphasis to the first syllable in his name,  forcing his eyes to open and focus on me. "You told me taking pictures  again reminded you of the boy you once were."

"Yeah." His interruptions began to irritate me, but I allowed him the  time to finish his thought before I went on. "And it isn't pleasant. Do  you think having a reminder of exactly how shitty my life has turned out  is a good thing?"