"W – why didn't you say anything?"
"You weren't physically hurting me, or violating me in any way. There was no need to say anything. And yes … I faked the orgasm. You needed me to get off so you could. But no matter how hard I tried to get there, I couldn't."
No man likes to hear how he is unable to get a woman off. It bruises our egos and leaves us feeling like less of a man.
For me, I already felt like less of a man.
Less of a person.
Hearing how I couldn't satisfy Novah only solidified that self-deprecating thought. And she must've seen it in whatever expression I'd given her, because a sigh slid past her lips. Her hands moved to frame my face, forcing me to focus on her.
"Stop, Nolan. Whatever you're thinking, stop. It was amazing-my inability to get off last week had nothing to do with your efforts. Clearly, because you just made me come harder than I've ever come before."
I couldn't move or speak as I digested her every word. I was humiliated-not for me, but for her-and the longer I stared into her softening eyes, the more disgusted with myself I became. I was with her … in her. I couldn't fathom how I didn't know something was off, couldn't tell she was disconnected.
She ran her fingertips over my eyes, down my cheeks, to my lips, and then held them there as she commanded my attention with her forgiving gaze.
"Listen to me, Nolan. I don't know what makes you tick, or why you need things a certain way. I don't pretend to understand the things you do, and I'd never presume to. But for whatever reason, you needed me that way, and regardless of my feelings about it, I gave it to you. Just like I'd faked the orgasm, because you needed me to come. So I got off the only way I could-for you." Her voice lowered even more when she added, "I'd do anything for you." Then she kissed me with so much passion, all my blood ran to my rapidly growing erection.
"I don't want you to do that," I said into her mouth. I opened my eyes once her lips left mine. "I don't ever want you to sacrifice anything for me. I don't deserve it."
"You deserve everything, Nolan. One of these days, you'll make love to me. I know that. You may not yet, but I do. And I'm willing to do whatever you need me to in the meantime." She slid her hands to my bare chest. "I'm already yours, remember?"
I stared into her eyes, wanting nothing more than to tell her again that I love her. I wanted to see her reaction this time. But I couldn't. The words turned into knots in my throat and choked me.
"Be with me, Nolan-anyway you can."
I lifted her onto the table and fit between her legs again. I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and then released it roughly. "Never-and I mean don't ever-fake another orgasm with me. And if you need anything from me that I'm not giving you, sexual or otherwise, tell me. Do you understand?"
She breathed out her answer just as I slid back into her. And then I brought her to another body-shuddering orgasm before claiming my own.
With her hands on me.
Fifteen
It didn't matter how many days came and went since that Saturday afternoon in my dining room. My body still buzzed with electricity every time I thought about it. And beyond the mind-altering orgasms he'd given me, he'd taught me a lot.
First, I learned how nothing regarding Nolan is predictable. Nothing. He'd proven that to me after his little test with his friends-which had given me insight into the real reasons he couldn't find anything beautiful in the tragically disfigured. Our meeting in his office, our first "dinner" at his condo, and even the junkyard proved just how unpredictable he was. Anytime I'd relax and finally believe we were getting somewhere, he'd flip a switch and change the game on me.
Second, I learned how deep his insecurities ran. Just looking at him, you'd never guess. He came across as a strong yet quiet person who knew what he wanted and went after it. But that couldn't have been further from the truth. Hearing about his inability to engage sexually in a normal manner helped me see how things would be with him. And I had to question if it would be enough for me. But I trusted Nolan, and I had faith he wouldn't always be this damaged and would eventually open up.
Our biggest obstacle at the moment was his humiliation over his injuries-namely, his leg. It's what kept him from fully relaxing around me. Even Saturday night after we'd had sex, he couldn't partake in the kind of after-sex bonding most women preferred. I'd never needed it before, but with him, I did. Yet I couldn't have it. It also prevented him from making love to me the way my heart longed for. But I knew in time, it'd happen. And that belief is what kept me grounded through the whole thing. I couldn't focus on it too much, otherwise, I knew I'd end up pulling back, and that's not what he needed.
But no matter what he'd taught me that day, it didn't take away how I felt about him. And those feelings were only confirmed when he'd told me he loved me. Granted, I didn't say it back, and I still hadn't, but not because I didn't believe the words to be true. I hadn't said them because I knew if I did, everything would change. And until he found his place in this world, I couldn't give in to change. I couldn't allow myself to go there before I knew, without a doubt, he was ready for it.
I didn't question his love for me. In fact, I believe I knew it before he even uttered those three words. It'd been in his expressions, his eyes when he gazed longingly at me, in his touches. Actions do speak louder than words. But just because I had an inkling about it doesn't mean it hadn't shocked me to have it confirmed. I was in no way prepared to hear that come from him so soon, mostly because he seemed to hold so much back from me all the time. But it had warmed my heart and soul.
I found a parking space in front of Nolan's office building and grabbed the bag from the front seat before heading inside. An idea had come to me Sunday morning, but I hadn't decided how to go about it until last night. I'd previously checked his schedule, and when I found out he'd be in his office all day today, I couldn't find a reason to wait any longer, so on my lunch break, I headed up to his office to see him.
I walked right past the receptionist and down the hall to Nolan's office. She muttered something, but I blocked it out. I'd been confident every step of the way until I found myself standing in front of his office door. His voice carried into the hallway, and I could only assume he had company … or was on the phone. My fist paused in the air, seconds away from rapping my knuckles on the hard wood. If he were on the phone, he wouldn't be able to answer. However, if I just walked in and he had company, it would be rude. So I settled on knocking first, and then opening the door.
I hadn't even fully walked into his office by the time he slammed the receiver down on the phone. His face burned with heated flames as he ran his fingers through his short hair.
It was obvious he didn't know I was there, so I closed the door with slight force, which finally caught his attention. Then his eyes met mine, and I could physically see the tension fall away from his stiff posture.
That was the unspoken love he held for me.
"Moving from lunch texts to lunch visits?" he asked with a growing grin stretching across his face. Then his gaze moved to the bag over my shoulder and his brow creased. "What's that?"
I didn't have to tell him what it was; it was obvious. But I pulled the strap from my shoulder and walked to his desk before setting the black bag down on the edge. "It's a present for you."
"Novah … "
"Before you object, hear me out." I waited until he relaxed in his seat, and then I moved around the desk to sit on the edge in front of him. "After hearing everything you had to say this weekend about cameras and pictures … I believe your disconnect stems from it. You've somehow separated yourself into two people, and the divide is the camera."
"The divide is what happened because of the camera. Not the actual device itself."
I held my hand up to silence him. "Regardless, it's because of this." I pointed behind me to the bag on the opposite edge of the desk. "And I believe the only way to bridge that gap is by putting a camera permanently back in your hands again."
He shook his head and closed his eyes, as if he were exhausted by our conversation. "You don't get it, Novah."
"Oh, I think I get it perfectly fine. You're the one who doesn't get it, Nolan." I added extra emphasis to the first syllable in his name, forcing his eyes to open and focus on me. "You told me taking pictures again reminded you of the boy you once were."
"Yeah." His interruptions began to irritate me, but I allowed him the time to finish his thought before I went on. "And it isn't pleasant. Do you think having a reminder of exactly how shitty my life has turned out is a good thing?"