Her breath fanned my face as she said, "Fifteen years ago, you showed me something beautiful, but it became ruined, tainted, turning our moment into a nightmare-for us both. We were too young to defend ourselves, which left our fate in the hands of others. But we're not young anymore, and we are fully capable of determining our destinies. Now … it's my turn to offer you the chance to experience something beautiful. This time, we only have ourselves to blame if it goes bad."
Ten
Nolan's lips attacked mine, ending what I had to say. The way he clung to me, his fingers painfully gripping my hips, his mouth consuming mine, left no doubt in me how he felt.
I twisted his shirt in my hands in an effort to pull him further into me, even though we couldn't possibly get any closer. His lips left me lightheaded, stole the breath straight from my chest, and caused me to become unsteady on my own feet.
But then the buzzer on the oven sounded, dousing our heated exchange like ice water. He dropped his forehead to my shoulder and grunted, digging his fingertips into my hipbones with enough force to leave lasting marks on my skin.
"Dinner's ready." My voice came out airy, heavy and burning with unsatisfied desire as I spoke against his collarbone. I gently pushed against him, needing to pull the pan of lasagna from the oven before it burned.
"I'd rather eat you," he said with his fiery lips against my neck, scorching me with a heat that traveled down my body and settled between my thighs.
I hesitated for a moment before pushing him away enough to slide past him. His promise had left my panties wet and my core throbbing, but I had to stay strong. Not only did I have food I needed to tend to, but we had been in the middle of a very serious conversation-one which had left me with an unanswered question. And I wouldn't allow myself to get hung up on his sexual promises before finishing what we'd previously started.
The lasagna was too hot to eat, so I left it on the stove to cool down some. When I turned back around, I found Nolan hunched over, his forearms leaning against the tops of the barstools I'd been trapped between. But his deep, penetrating gaze was locked on me, practically stripping me of what little clothing I had left on. I suddenly became aware of the fact I stood in his kitchen in nothing but a bra and small cheerleading shorts.
He must've read my mind, because as soon as I moved to grab my shirt, he swiped it from the bar, keeping it from me.
"Come on, Nolan. Let me put it on for dinner. I don't particularly care to burn my chest with hot cheese." I smiled at him, teasing him enough in the hopes of him returning my shirt to me, but it didn't work.
"If I have to eat with a hard-on, then you have to eat topless. It's only fair, Novah."
"You know, you could rectify your problem by letting me have my shirt back. You might just calm down if my breasts weren't on display."
He finally smirked, but it was sinister and full of other promises that left me clenching my thighs together. "I can think of several ways to rectify my problem … none of which include you putting clothes on, and all of which involve you taking them off."
He stalked toward me, rounding the bar until he stood in front of me. His thick arms caged me in against the counter behind me. Everything about him from his darkened hazel eyes to his ticking jaw, his coiled biceps to the hardness behind his zipper-which he tauntingly pressed into me-had my body burning with need. But I craved more from him, so I fought against the desire that left my clit swollen and achy, and stood my ground.
"If you think I'm weak enough to give in, then you ought to spend a little more time getting to know me. You're tempting, Nolan, but I've played this game before."
He bent down so his lips grazed the edge of my ear, his fiery breath coating my neck in chill bumps and sending shivers down my back. The bundle of nerves at the base of my spine tightened and ached.
His words were mostly made of thick air as he whispered, "Tell me what to do to get between your legs." The tips of his fingers trailed up my bare thighs with the softness of a feather. "To get inside you." He pressed into me harder. "To taste you again." His tongue traced the outer edge of my ear just before he nipped the lobe gently between his teeth.
Everything in me screamed to let him have his way, to give in and succumb to the things I knew he could give me-things I'd never been able to find since him. But I couldn't. If I ever wanted all of him, every nuance he kept hidden from the world, I couldn't be weak.
I had to steel my resolve for him.
"Talk to me. It's the only thing I want from you, Nolan. I just poured my heart and soul out to you, and all I ask for in return is a response. A breadcrumb, a tiny piece … something to help quiet the fear in my head."
That's all it took for him to back away, his eyes zeroing in on mine, narrowed and dark. No longer were they clouded by lust, but clear and focused. He remained in front of me, back hunched so his face was level with mine.
"What fear?" He dipped his head as soon as I attempted to glance away, keeping me from breaking eye contact with him. "Novah … what fear?"
"I thought … " Insecurity suddenly attacked me, leaving me small and insignificant beneath his scrutiny. "Never mind. It's stupid-it doesn't matter what I thought."
"No." He carefully wrapped his fingers around my neck and forced me to look up as he regained his full height. "Stop doing that. Everything you do matters … every thought, every feeling, ever word. They all matter. Don't start something and then shut down." He leaned closer until his forehead pressed against mine. "Don't shut me out."
I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into his chest. "I told you how I felt-how I feel-and you dismissed it, changed the subject when I said I wasn't sure about yours. Listen, if you don't want to tell me, I understand, but please don't lie to me. Don't try to sidetrack me with promises of sex. If you don't share the same sentiments, it doesn't mean I'll give up on you. I can't expect you-"
"My God, Novah." He threaded his fingers into my hair and used it as a leash to pull me away from his chest. "You have got to stop these nervous rants. If you don't stop talking, then I'll never be able to tell you anything."
He stared at me, as if expecting me to respond, but I couldn't. He told me to stop talking, but even if he hadn't, his gaze was intense enough to silence my words before they could even form.
"I have no idea why you're unsure about my feelings toward you. When you came to my office on Monday, I didn't hold back. I told you how I felt about you in high school. None of which was a lie. After everything I told you in the car on Wednesday as we sat in the junkyard … how could you possibly doubt how I feel?"
"I didn't say I doubted it. I said I could assume. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to play your words in my head and try to surmise what you mean by them. You've said a lot, Nolan. Some out of anger, which if left solely to assumption wouldn't exactly lead me to certainty."
"Then let me make sure you know with a hundred percent certainty, without a shred of doubt, and with no room for assumptions."
I blinked and waited for him to continue.
"You were right on the money in your explanation of the afternoon in my mom's garden. Of who I was back then … who you were. And how we were-the connection, the moment we shared. All of it. You say you unknowingly gave me your heart. But I unknowingly took it."
He licked his lips and dropped his gaze, clearly struggling with his words. But I remained stoic, silent, waiting for him to find the composure he needed to go on.
"Fear has no place in war. When you become afraid, you lose the ability to be proactive. But it's hard to block it out when you see death on a daily basis. When you lose brothers, people you've grown to love. When you have to pull the trigger because life comes down to you or someone who'll take you out without a moment's hesitation. Suddenly, you find yourself alone, your pistol in your hands, with only one way to escape the demons living inside you. And you realize you now face two enemies: the ones hiding in the trenches, and the one in the mirror. You ask yourself what's the lesser of two evils. Do you wait to be taken out by a stranger who hates you, hoping you make it back stateside for an honorable burial, or do you bite the bullet and give yourself one last moment of dignity?"
"No … Nolan." Tears clouded my vision, pouring from my eyes and trailing in warm paths down my cheeks. I'd asked for answers, but I never expected to hear this.
He gently shook his head and wiped my face with the calloused pads of his thumbs. "No matter how badly I wanted to end it all, guarantee my way home, even if it would be in a box, I couldn't do it. The memory of your face kept me from pulling the trigger. It kept me alive when death seemed so much easier."