I couldn't take it anymore and pressed my chest against her trembling back. I felt her calm slightly the moment my arms wrapped around her bare waist.
"Novah … " I breathed her name against the soft skin of her neck and her body relaxed a little more. Not much, but some. Enough for me to understand the effect I had on her.
She bucked against me, then pushed backward against my chest until she had enough room to turn around. The whites of her eyes were streaked red, making the blue overpower the green until her eyes shone like a cloudless sky on a summer afternoon. Her eyelashes were wet, turning them into thick black barriers to hide her pain every time she closed her eyes.
"I wasn't trying to compare your scars with mine." The way she spoke didn't sound angry, but seemed to be out of deep rejection coating each word in thick emotion. "Who has the most pain inside isn't a game I want to play. It was never meant as a competition. And I'm not trying to discredit what you've been through by offering to share parts of me."
I wasn't sure how to respond. Deep down, I knew it wasn't what she'd tried to do. And, honestly, it's not even how I'd taken it. But for whatever reason, I'd grown defensive over her request to reveal my haunting demons. Yet I couldn't form the words I needed in order to explain it to her.
"I'm sorry … " My voice was hoarse, heavy with uncertainty and unbridled remorse. "I'm not very good at this. I don't know how to share myself with anyone. I've never done it before."
She swallowed harshly and nodded. "That's why I wanted to share myself with you. It's why I thought if we both opened up, it might be easier."
I grabbed her face and pulled her closer to me until her flesh warmed my entire torso through my thin shirt. "This came out wrong the last time. So if it comes out wrong again, please don't push me away."
Her head barely moved in my grasp, but it was enough for a nod, a silent promise. It was enough to offer me the comfort I needed to go on, without the worry of her walking away again.
My throat was raw, achy, like I'd swallowed shards of glass, my words scratching to get out. "I want to hear about your life … about you. I want to know all there is to know about who you are and what you've been through-what made you the person who's standing in front of me right now. But I don't understand why you'd think we could bond over our suffering."
Her hand came to rest over my left pec and then drifted to the side, just beneath my armpit. With the numb scar tissue, I could barely feel anything other than the pressure of her touch.
She focused her attention on the place beneath her palm and licked her lips. "Because I think our scars were born from the same tragedy. They might not look alike, or feel the same, but I believe our pain originated from the same source."
"What do you mean?"
Her gaze met mine, and then everything else faded away. The only sounds were of her heavy breathing. The only thing I could see was the raw agony in her eyes. And I couldn't sense anything other than her presence in front of me, surrounding me, filling me until every muscle in my body coiled tight with the anticipation of her words.
"We shared something together all those years ago. Something I don't think either of us were expecting. I was nothing but a girl who went to school, kept to herself, content in her own little bubble. You were just a boy who existed in everyone else's world, trying to find his own place to fit in. And for whatever reason, sitting in your parents' back yard, we connected on some level most people never experience until they're much older. I let you into my bubble, and in there, you found somewhere to belong."
My bottom lip trembled as her words took me back to a time that had, since then, only lived in my dreams. A time I'd long ago believed I'd dreamt up, because there was no way the universe would've offered it to me, only to rip it away from me before I could have ever called it mine. I'd held onto the memory for so long, but not once did I ever believe I'd get another chance. And standing here, listening to Novah's version of a lost boy and lonely girl, I finally realized the moment I'd carried with me for all those years had lived inside her, too.
"I gave you a part of me that day, more than you realize. Yes, I gave you a taste of me, more than anyone else had ever gotten before then, but what I really gave you went beyond my body. I gave you my dreams, and you've owned them ever since. And I must've unknowingly given you my heart as well. I just don't think I realized it until you showed back up in my life. I've dated-some serious, although most were casual. But not once, in all this time, in all the men I've seen, talked to, dated, been with … not once has my chest felt this full. Like it's sat empty for years, waiting for you to fill it."
The backs of my eyes stung with the threat of tears, but not caused by sadness. They were brought on by the deep, emotional sentiment of her words, her confession. I knew without a doubt she believed everything she said. Every word. Every memory.
"I'm not entirely sure how you feel." She began to fidget, her fingers twisting in my cotton shirt. "I mean, you've said some stuff, and I think I understand. At the very least, I know I've been in your thoughts enough to lead you back to me."
The need to end her nervous rambling suffocated me, but burning curiosity hindered me from acting on it. "You said our pain came from the same tragedy … what did you mean by that?" I regretted my question the moment it slipped past my lips. Using a spoon to rip my heart out would've been less painful than watching her reaction.
She immediately cowered, probably taking my curiosity as rejection, but at least she didn't pull away from me. With her head tilted down, blocking even more of herself from me, she said, "I never recovered from what happened between us. The kids at school were mean-and not in the little kid way. I was literally traumatized every day. I thought it'd get better after Christmas break, but it didn't. It was brutal. I thought maybe my sophomore year would be easier after your friends had graduated. But I guess I didn't realize how many people adored you in all grade levels. Each year got somewhat easier as new kids began to fill the hallways, but it never stopped the ones who knew about it from tormenting me."
The agony filling her voice, her every word, sank into my chest and twisted my heart into an unruly knot. It reached deep inside and fisted my lungs, squeezing out every ounce of oxygen in me.
"Boys would ask me out, and the few times I said yes they left me crying in my room, never wanting to show my face again. One guy brought a camera, saying he wanted to take pictures of me while I sucked his dick. Another guy took me out to eat, and then made disgusting comments the entire time about how I should lie naked on top of the table, because it wasn't like everyone hadn't already seen it."
"Novah … that's enough."
"No." She vehemently shook her head and locked her eyes on mine for the first time since opening up. "You wanted to know how this affected me, so I'm telling you. All of it."
I slowly nodded for her to go on.
"It stopped after high school, but the scars never went away. Dating was never easy for me, and every guy I met, I'd lump him in the same category as the cowards from school. I lost my virginity when I was nineteen in the front seat of a sports car, because I grew tired of holding onto something I believed would never be valued by anyone but me. I started thinking I was crazy. Every kiss, every touch … I'd compare it to yours. Because even though our moment had been tainted, I still couldn't fully convince myself it wasn't real. It felt so real, and I think that's why it hurt so much. I felt betrayed, and that betrayal stuck with me for fifteen years, turning into hatred, both with myself and with you. My hatred eventually left me void. I lost the need to care about being respected by a man. Genuine guys didn't exist to me. I couldn't allow myself to believe their gentle touches, kind words, and meaningful gestures were sincere. They did nothing but leave me expecting the worst."
I wiped a lone tear from her face, and then held my finger over her lips, hoping she'd end my torment. I couldn't stand to hear another word, knowing I'd been the cause of the suffering she'd carried around with her.
She closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to my fingertip before pulling my hand away. "I didn't tell you any of this to hurt you, or to cast the blame on you. I know now you were just as much a victim as I was. That one event burned us both. Scarred us both. However, it's led us back to each other."
I pressed my forehead to hers, wrapped my arms around her waist, and held her close to me. It's what I should've done in the hallway while we waited outside the principal's office. But I'd been too much of a coward.