Beard Up(33)

I swallowed.

"I've felt you. For a hell of a lot longer than when I first saw you at the baseball park," she whispered so quietly that I could barely hear her words. "I'd look outside at night and imagine you there."

"I was there."

"I'd look over at one of Sienna's school functions, thinking that I felt your gaze on me … "

"I was at every single one."

She closed her eyes at the raw emotion in my voice.

"Dentist appointments. Doctors. Anything and everything. Jesus, I've felt you everywhere."

"I was."

The tears hadn't dried up, and her entire neck was soaked as they ran unencumbered down her throat.

"I hate you," she whispered. "I hate you, but I don't hate you."

I didn't say anything.

"I made this promise and now I want to break it."

"Then break it, baby."

My words seemed to open some sort of dam that was holding those swirling emotions inside, and the moment that I gave her freedom to break her promise, she screamed.

She screamed, and screamed, and screamed.

"I've been dying without you!"

My throat was clogged with unshed tears.

"I prayed that you would come back to us. I was at your funeral!"

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"I contemplated suicide."

My body froze.

I hadn't known that. It hadn't even occurred to me because of Sienna. Mina would never do that to Sienna.

"But then I thought of your baby, all alone in this world, and couldn't do it."

I wanted to touch her. To bring her into my arms. To do anything to make the pain that was on her face go away.

But each time I started to move, she screamed. "Stay away!"

I stayed away.

I planted my feet and rooted myself to the spot as I watched her break. I watched her break her promise, and I watched her heart tear apart all over again.

"I needed you, and you weren't there."

I nodded. "I know."

"I've missed you."

"I know," I rumbled. "I've missed you, too."

Her heart was beating so hard that I could see the pulse at her neck moving with each beat of her heart.

"Why?" her voice cracked. "Why are you back now?" She viciously wiped away a tear. "You're never going to leave me again. I won't let you."

I didn't say, ‘you wouldn't be able to stop me' like I wanted to. I only stayed silent, letting her know with no words that she didn't have that option. If I felt I had to leave again, I would.

If it was her safety or her happiness, I'd choose her safety every single time.

"I love you so much," she sniffled. "But I still hate you. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you."


      ///
       
         
       
        

Then she was in my arms. For the first time in six years, five months, one hour, and thirteen minutes.

My hands were shaking. My knees were weak, and I couldn't get my fingers to loosen the grip they had on the hair that I'd fisted in both hands as I locked her in tight to my body with my arms.

"I missed you."

I buried my face into her neck.

"I've cried so many tears. Prayed so many prayers."

My voice wouldn't work. I couldn't tell her the thousand things I've wanted to tell her for what felt like forever. I couldn't tell her I was sorry, and that I was a complete and utter asshole. I couldn't tell her why this was a bad idea. I couldn't do a goddamn thing but hold her, and breathe her in.

"Sienna," she said on a sob.

I shook my head.

"Not yet, honey," I said roughly. "Not yet."

She seemed to grasp that there was something going on that was keeping me from her.

She didn't question why I'd stayed away.

She knew, just as well as I did, the love we had for each other. There was nothing that would take that away. I wouldn't have stayed away unless I had a damn good reason, and she knew that it wasn't something small. It was huge.

It was big enough that I had to leave her. Had to see her cry every night while she thought that I was gone from this Earth.

Then her lips were on mine.

Her tongue swept in, and my body's battle with staying upright lost its fight.

I dropped down to my knees, then went further, laying Mina's tiny body down onto the dusty floor.

One hand went to the side of her face, while the other went to the floor beside her head.

I didn't even notice the dust and dirt on the floor. Didn't care one single bit that we would both be covered in it before we were done.

Her lips were on mine.

My tongue inside her mouth.

"I need."

Those words were pulled from my throat, a guttural harsh tone, and I couldn't fucking breathe.