Beach Rental(61)
“Did he what?”
“Save the child?”
She shook her head slowly, afraid of breaking into little pieces. “It was a false alarm.”
He didn’t say, so, he died for nothing. Instead, he said, “I called Adela. She’s on her way. I guess there’s nothing else to be done tonight.”
His voice sounded numb. She shook her head.
“Do you need anything? Are you okay?”
She was obviously not okay, but there was nothing anyone could do for her tonight. Tomorrow was time enough to think. Tonight should be for grieving, but so far the emotions stayed jagged and painful, bottled within her.
It was an endless night.
Soon after the first rays of dawn had touched the sand and lit the water, Luke knocked on the door. Juli opened it. He stood on the threshold looking as rough and unwashed as she felt.
“They found him.”
She gasped. Instantly, her chest hurt and her throat closed. She forced the words out before he could utter the dreadful words. “I don’t want to know.”
No word pictures. No location. She covered her ears and turned away, forcing the image of Ben, as Ben, into her heart and memory, the way she wanted to remember him.
“I understand.”
Juli kept her back turned until he was gone, then ran down to the beach.
She sat and listened to the ocean. The tide came in and went back out. People walked past without stopping. The beach, littered with thick layers of broken shells dredged up by the storm, wasn’t inviting to swimmers.
What did she look like? Wretched and disheveled? Had the people strolling by heard of the drowning and wondered? Been curious? She didn’t care so long as they didn’t bother her with questions or sympathy. The wind tangled her hair and the sand and shells abraded her skin. Classic shock, she knew. And bludgeoned by grief and regret.
She should have been a better partner for Ben. A better wife. Had she done her best?
The worst blow was that she’d be paid because Ben died.
That had been the bargain from the beginning.
The day’s light waned. She became aware someone was standing behind her.
“I knocked. No one answered. I almost didn’t look down here.”
She didn’t turn around. She pushed the hair out of her face and sat straighter.
“Adela arrived this afternoon. She’s making the funeral arrangements. Do you want to be involved? If you have special wishes or anything, you can tell her, or I’ll tell her for you, if you prefer.”
“Whatever she wants is fine.”
“You can’t stay out here.”
She ignored him.
“You have to pull yourself together. The service is in two days.”
Juli looked over her shoulder and saw his bare feet. The hem of his dress slacks hung awkwardly without the shoes and socks. She wanted to appreciate that he’d come out here to make sure her wishes were considered, but the trimmings were meaningless. Dead was dead. The ritual might be comfort for some, but it didn’t change a thing.
Juli didn’t want comfort. She wanted to know she’d given Ben what he needed despite how their marriage had started out, despite the fact she didn’t fall in love with him in the same way he’d come to love her. Still, she loved him. Had it been enough for him? Had he known about her divided heart?
“It’s time for you to go inside.” Luke shifted his feet. “I have to leave now. Call me if you need anything.”
She bit her lip to keep from begging, tell me I made Ben happy. Tell me. There was no one to whom to address such a question. Certainly, not to Luke.
The sand whispered beneath his feet as he walked away. Juli waited in the twilight to give him time to depart. When she stood and turned toward the house, he was standing on the porch facing toward her and the ocean. By the time she climbed the stairs to the crossover, he was gone.
****
Strangers filled the funeral home chapel in Morehead City for the service. She glimpsed Ron and Victoria standing at the back of the chapel as she entered, but pretended not to see them. She walked with the family, stood with the family and sat in the pew with the family, but she felt encased in a plastic bubble. She was front and center at the service because, to the world, she was the widow. To Ben’s family, she was a calculating interloper. She stared straight ahead, deliberately blind to the people around her.
The smooth wooden pews were hard beneath her. Hard was good. This was not a day for comfort.
She kept wishing she was back at home on Emerald Isle. But it would be without Ben. And now, with Ben gone, she’d be out soon, too. Her brain hit a roadblock there and could go no further. She’d think about that tomorrow or the next day.
Pastor Herrin spoke about Ben. She kept her eyes on him and remembered nothing of his eulogy. Each word passed right out of her head. All of her concentration was bent upon making it through.