I’ve had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime.
Sadness washes over me as I pick up the body wash and remove her scent from my skin. Never again will I be able to smell her sweetness, feel her silky soft skin beneath my fingertips, or taste her lips. It brings a motherfucking lump the size of a goddamn basketball to my throat.
Once I’m dressed I throw my things into my suitcase, stowing it under the bed before going in search of my mum. I find her in the kitchen cooking. As devastated as I’m feeling right now, just seeing her brings a smile to my face. I’m going to miss her cooking, but more than anything I’m going to miss her.
“Hey, sweetie,” she says smiling at me. “Breakfast won’t be long. As soon as John gets home we’ll eat.”
Walking to her, I wrap her in my arms. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you too, Carter.”
“Thank you for always loving me. For keeping and wanting me when nobody else did.” I hear my voice crack when I speak.
“Baby? What’s brought this on?” she asks looking up at me. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I just needed you to know how much I appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me over the years. It’s meant everything to me. You mean everything to me.” I see her eyes well with tears from my words.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I see concern etched on her beautiful face. I nod, tightening my embrace. “You’re part of me, sweetheart. You’ll always be a part of me. Not having you in my life was never an option. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful that you’re my son,” she says, gently running her hand down the side of my face. I can’t speak. The lump in my throat is growing bigger by the second.
I’m surprised I’m not choking on that fucker.
This is my goodbye. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get to see her again. That thought makes my heart ache. If it wasn’t for her, my life growing up would’ve been nothing. Meaningless. She gave up her future, her family, everything for me. Words will never be able to express what that means to me.
She loved the bastard that nobody else could.
Leaning down I place a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I’ll be in my room,” I say as I turn and walk away. I don’t bother looking back. I can’t. If I do, she’ll see the tears that now glisten my eyes.
“Okay, sweetie. I love you, Carter,” she calls out behind me.
“I love you too, Mum,” I whisper.
Reaching under the bed, I grab the bag I just packed. Emptying out the contents of my school backpack onto the bed, I head back into my bathroom. I throw my deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste and brush into the bag. Walking back into my room I grab my sketchpad and a photo I have of my mum and I from when I was a boy, and stuff them inside. Looking around my room, I check to see if there’s anything else I need.
Heading towards the window, my gaze moves towards Indi’s house. I’m shocked to find her standing in her bedroom watching me. She’s smiling. Fuck. I was hoping I didn’t have to see her before I left. I can’t say goodbye to her, I just can’t. It will gut me.
Tearing my eyes away from her I drop my suitcase out of the window. It lands with a thud. When my eyes meet hers again, I watch as her gaze moves down to the bag on the ground, and then back up to meet mine. The smile drops from her beautiful face. A face I know I’m never going to forget.
She steps forward and presses her palms flat against the glass. Fuck, she knows. The devastation I see cross her features rips my fucking heart in two. I watch as a lone tear cascades down her cheek. What I wouldn’t give to hold her right now. Kiss her. Tell her I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her in my life.
Jumping out the window, I pick up my bag and start walking towards my car. I take one last look over my shoulder at the only other person on this earth, apart from my mum that I love. Yes, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts. Last night just confirmed it.
She’s the only person that has made me feel like I’m somebody. The only person that has accepted me for who I am—the real Carter Reynolds. The person I am on the inside. Not the illegitimate child. The bastard. The real me. She knows my story and still cares. Still wants me around.
I’m not used to people wanting me, so the fact that she does is something I’ll never forget. I’ll treasure the time I’ve spent with her. She’ll always have my heart. I know that for a fact.
As much as it kills me, I need to let her go. Although she may not think so, she deserves so much more than I can ever give. So much more. I was born a bastard and I’ll die a bastard. That’s never going to change. In time I know my doom and gloom will dull her sunshine. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s perfect just the way she is.