“It’s not what you think, Carter.” I speak in a soft, calming voice as I walk towards him.
“You’re leaving me?” is all he says, exhaling as his shoulders slump. The look on his face is one of complete devastation. It breaks my heart.
“I’m not leaving you, Carter. I’m just going home for a few days to give you a break. I’m worried about you. You’re not eating or sleeping properly. I’m interrupting your work … your life. I hate that you’re constantly worrying about me. I’m responsible for everything you’re going through. It would be selfish of me to stay under those circumstances.” I’m trying to reassure him as I speak. My arms reach out to him, but he pushes them away and steps back.
“You think I’m gonna worry any less when you’re two fucking hours away?” he yells, making me flinch. He’s never spoken to me so harshly before. The anger is rolling off him. When his hands thread through his hair, tears rise to my eyes. This is not how I wanted this to go down.
“You don’t need to do this, Carter. You didn’t sign on for this, I get that. I know what type of man you are. I know you’d never walk away, even if you wanted to. I’m giving you an easy out here.”
His hand reaches for me, roughly wrapping his fingers around the top of my arm as he forcefully tugs me towards him. “Listen to me,” he snarls, getting up in my face. “I’m gonna say this once and once only. I fucking love you, Indiana. For better or for worse. I don’t want a fucking out. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare make decisions based on what you think is best for me. Don’t you fucking dare.”
“I ... I,” is all I manage to get out. I can no longer hold the tears at bay as they freely flow down my cheeks. His face drops as soon as he notices them. He quickly lets go of my arm, pulling me into a crushing embrace.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers in a much calmer voice, “but you’re not fucking going anywhere, Indiana. That’s final.”
“I feel like I’m dragging you down with me. I don’t want to do that,” I cry into his chest. This whole situation is just too much. Pulling back from me, he cups my face in his hands. The anger that was in his eyes a few moments ago is now gone.
“You could never drag me down, babe. You’re my sunshine. Don’t you see that? Even with everything going on, you still brighten my day. I’d be fucking lost without you here.” He pulls me into him again, practically crushing me. “I promised you right from the beginning that we were in this together, and I meant every word. Please don’t leave. I need you here with me.”
When he finally let’s go, he grabs my hand and drags me towards the bed. He sits on the side of the mattress and pulls me down onto his lap, wrapping me in his arms. “We’re not leaving here until we sort this shit out,” he demands.
We sat there for over an hour until everything was out in the open. I agreed to stay on the condition he pull back a bit, and stop letting my illness take over his life. Reluctantly he agreed. When I told him I needed to call my dad and tell him not to come, he said, “Don’t bother. I’ve already told him you’re staying.” Ugh! Presumptuous arse. I called my dad anyway, reassuring him that everything was okay.
Carter begrudgingly ended up going back to work. Later that night, there was no mention of what happened. We’d both had our say and had put it behind us. After dinner, we snuggled on the sofa and fell into easy conversation. Nothing deep. Nothing about my illness. Just normal, everyday things. It was nice.
“I’ve been thinking,” he says. Okay, this could be dangerous.
“About what?” I ask sceptically.
“Justine was talking about some girly spa place she goes to. Why don’t you let me book you in for a pamper day? It will do you good.” I tilt my head back and smile up at him, shrugging at the same time.
“I don’t know. It sounds lovely, but that’s something Meg and I always used to do together. It’ll be no fun on my own.”
“I could come with you.” I start laughing as I roll onto my stomach to face him.
“You’d go and get a facial and a Mani/Pedi?” I ask in disbelief, because that’s something I couldn’t imagine him doing.
“What’s a Mani/Pedi?”
“A manicure and pedicure.”
“Oh,” he deadpans, making me laugh again. “Yeah, maybe that’s not my thing.”
“It’s definitely not your thing,” I agree snuggling back into him.
The following Friday, Carter takes me back to the John Hunter Hospital in New Lambton, to have my stitches removed from my chin. Yesterday I completed my second last week of the radiation therapy. Words can’t express how happy I am that it’s almost coming to an end.