Barely Breathing (The Breathing #2)(98)

Evan clicked off the TV when I slid onto the bed and curled up on his chest.

"How are you doing?" he asked gently, wrapping his arms around me.

"Okay," I rasped, my throat raw from the strain of emotion.

He squeezed me against him before asking, "Can you tell me what happened last night?"

I swallowed hard. Tears filled my eyes at the thought of saying it out loud.

"If you can't―"

"It's okay," I choked. Sitting up, I took another cleansing breath, and met Evan's smoky blue eyes. The worry forged a line between them. I knew I had to try to explain.

"My mother blames me for my father's death." Just hearing those words spewing out of my mouth, suffocated me.

His back stiffened. "How?"

"He died on my birthday," I explained. "On his way home from buying the cake."

"How is that your fault?"

I shrugged. "Logically, it's not. But... she hurts, and I give her a reason for her pain. I ruined her life."

"Emma, you didn't. She's an adult. She should realize that accidents happen. You can't believe that it's your fault."

"I..." I couldn't find the words to say what he wanted me to―that I knew I wasn't at fault. Guilt thrust out and captured the words off my tongue before I could say them. I understood what was true, but I couldn't deny how devastating it was to be the reason he had been on that road, at that moment.

Logic didn't matter when the person I loved most was taken from me. I finally understood why my mother needed me to feel her suffering. It hurt her too much to keep it inside. For her to be the only one to miss him like she did. 

"I couldn't remember him," I told him, running my eyes along the lines of the comforter, allowing the images of my father to run freely through my head. "Remembering him would mean that I knew I'd lost him, and the grief that went along with it. So, I didn't. I didn't remember, any of it―until last night. And it hurt..." I choked out the last word as tears flooded my eyes.

Evan pulled me against him and held me tight.

"It hurt so bad I couldn't breathe." Warm tears streamed down my face. "I felt it, all of it, as if it had just happened and..." I swallowed back a sob.

"It's okay," Evan soothed, kissing the top of my head. "I understand." I stayed in the comfort of his arms until I could move again.

I sat up and wiped my wet cheeks.

"Can we just lay here?" I asked, sniffling. Evan handed me a much needed tissue.

"Of course."

I rested back down on Evan's chest, listening to the beating of his heart. He pulled the blanket over us and embraced me like the strength of his arms could ward off the sorrow.

The music faded and the television turned on. Evan selected a movie for us to watch, but I didn't last long, still so drained from the emotional beating I'd taken.

When I opened my eyes again, the room was darkening. Evan was on his side with his arms locked around me, breathing heavily in a restful sleep. I inhaled his scent with my face pressed against his shirt and leaned up to kiss his neck.

He stirred and hugged me closer. I ran my mouth along his neck, feeling the warmth of his pulse under my lips. A smile formed on his face while his eyes remained closed. I found the spot under his ear and kissed him again.

"Hi," he murmured with a wide smile, slowly opening his eyes and inhaling deeply.

"Hi," I whispered in his ear, tracing his carved jaw with my lips, making my way to his mouth. He parted his firm lips to receive me. I breathed him in and pulled myself against him, kissing him harder as his hands moved under my shirt, along my back.

Our bodies moved together, easing over the other. His warm hands pressed against my bare skin, inciting a flutter throughout my body that made my heart convulse. Our breathing quickened, and his touch trailed down to the waistband of the sweatpants, teasing along the elastic. I lifted his shirt and he pulled back to allow it over his head, revealing the smooth lines of muscle beneath.

I ran my hands over the definition of his chest and grooves of his stomach, kissing along his shoulder to his neck.

I went to remove my shirt, but he propped himself up and pulled back, his eyes scanning mine.

"What?" I asked in confusion, not sure if I'd done something wrong.

"Not yet," Evan explained. "Not like this."

I collapsed against him, my body pulsing. "Okay," I breathed in disappointment.

"You understand, right?" He tucked my hair behind my ear.

"I do," I answered, unable to look at him. Of course I understood. Our first time shouldn't happen after I spent the day mourning the loss of my father. But I wanted to feel him, needed to feel him, to be close to him―to mend the fissure that had split open overnight.