"I know," I replied. "I mean, I'm ready―I think. What do you mean by emotionally prepared?"
"Well, you don't trust … anyone, really. You barely trust me and Evan. And having sex is all trust. You can't take it back once you do it, and it leaves you completely emotionally vulnerable. You trust him totally and completely, right?"
"Of course," I answered automatically. How could I not trust Evan? Especially after everything we'd been through.
"Emma," Sara scolded, "do you? No matter what's happening in your life, however complicated and personal, you'd trust him with it?"
I wasn't sure why I hesitated, but a streak of panic flicked through me at the thought of being completely open with anyone, even Evan.
"Yes," I answered, without as much conviction.
"That's what I thought," she said honing in on the waver in my voice. "I'm not saying don't have sex. I want you to. It's amazing. I just want you to go into this completely aware of what happens to you after you put your clothes back on."
"Thanks," I sighed, feeling a little deflated. "See you in the morning?"
"Yes," she replied enthusiastically. "I have so much to tell you!"
We said our good-byes and hung up.
I stared at the ceiling, contemplating trust. Evan was the most trustworthy person I knew. I believed in him, knowing he would never not be there for me. But when Sara asked if I trusted him enough to tell him my most personal secrets, I choked.
The vulnerability of letting someone, anyone, into the dark places I couldn't face myself was unfathomable. It wasn't because I didn't trust him. I didn't want to reveal them to anyone, not even me. After all, they were secrets for a reason.
17. Freaked
Sara looked like she was ready to burst with whatever it was she needed to tell me when I saw her the next morning. She was seriously glowing. But the first thing she did was swat me across the shoulder.
"Hey," I hollered. "What was that for?"
"For going to Drew's party and starting up the gossip chain when you let him drive you home."
"Oh," I shrunk guiltily. "It wasn't a big deal. Nothing happened."
"I know that, but people in this school are stupid. If you don't want them talking about you, don't do something that will make them talk."
"It doesn't matter," I said with a shrug. "They'll talk about me even if I stand still all day."
Sara laughed. "You're probably right."
"Are we done with this?" I questioned, slightly annoyed. "Are you going to tell me about your week, or what?"
Sara didn't hold back. What she couldn't fit in before our first class she continued with at lunch. I don't think Evan was all that thrilled to hear her talking about his brother. He finally said something about needing to talk to his coach before the next period. I was pretty sure he just needed to escape.
"I'll see you in Art." He departed with a kiss on my cheek.
"What's with him?" Sara asked, noting his sudden need to leave.
"Sara, you're dating his brother. Don't you think it's kind of weird for him?"
She shrugged as if she hadn't considered it before. "I guess. I don't know." When she'd exhausted all things Jared, she blurted, "So what do you want to know about sex?"
My eyes widened, not braced for the question in the middle of the cafeteria.
"Tell me what you've done so far," she inquired with all the seriousness of a therapist.
"Do we really need to talk about this now? You're the one who warned against giving ammunition to circulating rumors. This is definitely not something I want anyone overhearing."
"Fine," she replied. "Come over after practice tonight."
I hesitated. I wasn't embarrassed to talk about sex, I was just … okay maybe I was a little. It wasn't like I'd ever had the talk. What I knew, I'd learned in health class, so I wasn't exactly well versed on the subject. Sara would share stories, but she'd never go into explicit detail, like auditory porn or anything.
"If you get any more red I think you may catch fire," Sara observed with a shake of her head. "Just come over later, okay?"
"Okay."
When we returned to our lockers after lunch, Sara pulled a textbook from her messenger bag. "This will help."
I took the book and my eyes spread wide at the title, Our Sexuality. "Omigod, are you serious?" I flipped through the pages and shut it quickly when I saw way more skin than I was anticipating.