“It is normal to feel fear.” His thumbs brush away my tears. “But you cannot let it control you, Tee-fah-nee. You must accept that there will be things in life that are not good, but they are outweighed by the good things. If there were no bad, we would not appreciate the wonders that life has to offer. There will be fear, but you must not let it win.” He smiles down at me, so wonderful and so understanding. “Jo-see is fearless. She knew it was dangerous to go, and she was afraid, but she did not let it control her. She made her choice.”
I breathe in and out slowly, taking in his scent and his touch.
He’s right.
I’m so tired of being controlled by my fears, of endless worry and being afraid to say the wrong thing and upsetting someone. I cling to his hands, tears rolling down my face. I think I’ve lived in a state of constant panic ever since we arrived here on the ice planet. That’s why I’m so determined to stay busy – because if I’m productive and I work hard, no one will fault me. No one will notice that I’m causing trouble or that I won’t pick a man if I do other things. No one will see just how scared I am, or how broken inside.
He’s so right – Josie is fearless. She doesn’t let the past destroy her. She makes her choices and looks forward to every day. If she’s not fine, it’s because she chose to do something with her life. Me? I’m the one that stays behind and huddles, afraid.
I’m so tired of being that girl. I can’t keep living this way or I’m going to lose everything.
I look into Salukh’s eyes. He’s been so understanding all through my head-games. I didn’t choose him when I should have spoken up and put an end to the games, and still he loves me. I’ve pushed him aside and when he’s asked for sex, I’ve given him alternatives because I wanted him to save himself for someone else, even though he says I’m his mate.
It’s time for me to stop pushing him away. It’s time for me to live, too.
I have to make my own choices, like Josie. I can’t wait for life to come and decide things for me. I have to grab at what happiness I can find.
“You’re right,” I say softly. “I can’t be afraid anymore. I’m going to do better, I promise.”
He nods at me, and straightens his big body. He pulls me against him in a warm embrace and I go into his arms easily. He’s been there for me every step of the way, and I close my eyes and press my cheek to his chest, enjoying the feel of his big body against mine.
I’m always going to have the nightmares. Maybe they won’t ever completely go away, because my past won’t ever go away. But it doesn’t mean I have to let it rule my life. It doesn’t mean I have to let one bad moment destroy any sweetness and love I can find for myself. I need to trust.
More than that, I need to take a chance.
“I love you, Salukh,” I tell him. I look up into his shining eyes. “You’re my mate. No matter what happens, you’re mine.”
“Of course I am.”
He doesn’t understand what I’m trying to say here. That I’ve chosen, really chosen. That I’m leaping forward. But it’s okay. I can show him just as easily. “From now on,” I tell him, “I’m going to live my life. And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can suck it.”
“Suck…it?” He frowns, clearly puzzled by my words. “What would they suck and why?”
“Aren’t you cute?” I grin up at him. “It’s a human expression, and one that doesn’t need to be described. Just go with the flow.”
He tilts his head, adorably confused. “Flow?”
“Never mind.” I take his hand in mind and drag him away from the door and the flood of snow now melting there. “Let’s go back to bed, shall we?”
“Are you yet tired?” The look on his face changes to one of concern.
“Nope.”
“Are you hungry? I can feed you—“
He’s going into protect mode. Sweet man. I continue to pull him toward the furs, taking care not to put much weight on my bad ankle. I’m not hungry, not thirsty, not anything other than filled with the need to fling him down in the furs and claim him as my own. To take charge of my life. To love him and have no regrets.
I feel good now that I’ve decided it, like the last puzzle piece has slid into place. I feel calm and settled. This feels right. His hand in mine feels right. And when his body is over mine, that’s going to feel right, too, I just know it.
“Are you sure you wish to sleep after your bad dream?” He seems skeptical. “I will stay awake and keep you company if you like—“