Like right now. Right now I’m lying on top of him in our cave like we normally do. I still straddle him every time, because I feel like I need to mentally acknowledge the fact that he’s aroused. Plus, I kind of like draping myself over him and letting him caress my back and arms. He never reaches further down, never grabs my butt or tries to push me into anything else. It’s just one long cuddle session each day and nothing more.
Weirdly enough, I’ve come to look forward to them. The stress of meeting with him is gone because I know he won’t push me into anything. It’s hours away from the endless scrutiny of the caves, Josie’s questioning looks, and the bustle of endless preparation for both the upcoming brutal season and the move back to the main cave once Harlow gets her rock cutter working again. Though I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of the humans again, I’m not looking forward to returning to the main cave. If I thought the South cave was full of people, moving us all back to one big boisterous tribe is going to mean even more people are underfoot and privacy will be at a premium.
One big hand idly strokes my back. “What is it you think about, Tee-fah-nee?”
I smile, eyes closed as I lean against his big chest. I can hear his heart beating evenly, and I love listening to it. I could listen for hours, provided he held me close and petted me. “Just about the tribes moving back together.” Kemli and her family left this morning, along with Vadren and a few of the elders. Farli stayed behind to help me with Chompy, and Salukh stayed too, of course. “We’re all going to pile back into the one cave and it’s going to be crowded.”
“It is not a bad thing, though. More hands and friendly faces to make the day’s work go by faster.”
“Less alone time, though,” I point out. “And we’re still not anywhere close to my goal.” I sit up and look at him, troubled. “Maybe we should try the kissing again.” Even as I say it, though, my entire body tenses and I feel a cold sweat coming on.
“I can sense your fear,” he says gently, and rubs my arms encouragingly. I’ve become addicted to his touch in the last week. Why is it that I love the thought of cuddling with him but the moment I think about kissing, I shut down? “What would make you less afraid?”
I give him a faint smile, considering. “I don’t know.”
“You already make great progress. Think of when we first came to this cave.” He brushes a finger over my cheek. “Now I can touch you and you do not weep.”
Jeez. Guilt shoots through me. I’m not being very fair to him, am I? “I wish we could skip ahead, but the touching is hard for me.”
“Then we do not touch?”
I frown at him. “What do you mean?”
He looks surprised. “Do humans not touch themselves for pleasure?”
Oh. Masturbation. My cheeks feel hot. “You mean…in front of each other?” Why does that sound so utterly scandalous? Why am I not just dismissing the idea immediately? I’m kind of mutely horrified at the thought of touching myself in front of him, but an even bigger part of me is rather curious about what he’ll do. Is it awful that I want to see him do it?
“Well, I have done it in private many times, but I do not think it will help you much if I do so again.”
A horrified chuckle escapes me. This is the most bizarrely frank conversation. “No, I suppose not.”
“And we can talk through it if you like.”
I bite my lip and think about what he’s offering. Dirty talk and masturbation. I’m intrigued and I’m also freaked out. It feels like a big step. And yet, if I never take any steps forward, I’m not going to go anywhere. Strangely enough, it feels less intimate than kissing. “I don’t want to go first.”
He nods slowly, and the burning, intense look is back in his eyes, making me shiver. “I will go first, then. Are you ready?”
Oh God. Am I ready? I want to tell him to wait, that I’m not ready. That I’m not sure about any of this. But time is running out. I know the moment we all move back to the main cave, we won’t be able to get away together like we have been. Someone will be on to us. My suitors will tire of the games that Josie sends them chasing after and turn back to bothering me.
Salukh gives me a patient look and gently pulls me off of his lap. “I cannot do this with you seated right there.”
Of course. I move into the furs and tuck my legs under me, all casual-like. But I’m staring. I can’t help but stare. He reaches for the tie at the waist of his leather leggings and my mouth goes dry. He’s going to perform for me…because it might help ease me back into things? Or is it because he wants to perform for me?