Barbarian’s Mate(9)

He just grins, sharpening his own spear point as if I did not just snarl at him. Aehako is a male who is bothered by very little, and sometimes I envy him. It seems as if everything bothers me lately.

“You should eat something,” Aehako says easily. “You are nothing but a tail and skinny legs. That’s not the way to please your mate.”

I snort and concentrate on my spear. There is very little that pleases my mate. Just thinking about her fills me with a gnawing need, and I have to fight the urge to press my head into my hands.

I am tired. Tired, and ill, and full of unfulfilled need. It has been nearly a full turn of the big moon since my breast resonated to Jo-see, and still she denies our bond. My body feels sick and aching and there are times that I must lie flat simply to catch my breath. My khui is making me ill because I am denying its wants.

But I have no choice. Jo-see has not relented. When I am in the cave, she ignores me or leaves the room. My attempts to talk to her are shut down with a few bitter words. For the most part, I try to ignore her, because being around her and not touching her makes things worse.

Something will have to change soon. If I am struggling, how must Jo-see feel?

Patience, I tell myself again. She will come to you soon. You must wait it out. But I think of the haunting dreams of last night, of Jo-see dying to khui-sickness, her belly flat, her eyes dull. A shudder racks me.

Aehako’s hand falls on my shoulder.

I jerk away, surprised.

He looks equally surprised at my reaction. “Haeden, my friend…I worry about you.” His normally laughing face is solemn. “You cannot keep hunting like this. Something will happen and you will fall, or trip on your spear. I worry you’re going to get hurt. You need to talk to the stubborn female and make her realize that you cannot win against a khui.”

I start to sharpen my spear again, though my hands are shaking. “The decision is in her hands.”

He snorts. “There is no decision. The khui has made its choice.”

Ah, but it is so simple for him. His mate adores him and they have a fat, healthy kit. My mate? She loathes the sight of me. She would walk away and never look at my face again and be glad of it. And the realization of this fills me with such gnawing sadness that I put my blade down and hang my head.

Was there ever a male discarded by two mates? I am the most unlucky of them all. I sigh, thinking of Jo-see’s smiles…the ones she never has for me. A wistful ache blooms in my chest. “I want her. I want her to want me. Is that so unreasonable?”

Aehako squeezes my shoulder again. “Talk to her again. Make her see reason.”

I nod and put my spear down. My hands are still trembling as if I am ancient and weak. There will be no hunt for me today; Aehako is right. I would fall into my own pit trap or trip over my own spear. “She does not want to talk to me,” I tell him. “She loathes me.”

“Talk to her anyhow,” Aehako says bluntly. “Make her see reason. Both of you are sick with resonance. It will not end until you give in. Surely she has enough sense to realize that.”

I want to snarl at him. Jo-see is smart. Of course she’s smart. She just…hates me. I am the part she cannot come to terms with. But I nod. His words have decided me. Both of you are sick with resonance.

I will gladly suffer on my own, but the thought of my mate in pain? Suffering as I do? It fills me with misery. I do not want that for her. So I heave myself to my feet and go to find her.

The privacy screen is up on Salukh’s cave, so I do not head there. I can hear the soft noises of mating and cannot imagine they would be so loud with Jo-see asleep in her furs a few paces away. She must be sleeping elsewhere. The thought fills me with vague unease and I check into several occupied caves with their screens down, earning me a few confused and sleepy looks from tribes’ mates. No Jo-see.

There’s a storage cave near the hunter caves, small and cluttered with food and goods. Surely she did not squeeze into the storage cave rather than sleep in the same cave as me? But when I enter it and see a small bundle of furs wrapped around a small human form in the corner, I feel my chest squeeze with misery. She does not look comfortable. Is this all that she can claim as a home now? All because she has been placed with me?

It…does not feel right.

I rub my chest as my khui begins to hum in her presence. “Jo-see,” I call out.

The furs shift but she doesn’t wake up.

Irritation flashes through me and I move to her side. She cannot ignore me forever. I kneel next to the furs and rip them back. “Wake. We must talk.”

Her eyelashes flutter and she lifts one weak arm to reach for the blankets. “Stop it.”

My heart clenches with fear at the sight of her. This isn’t Jo-see. This isn’t the bright-eyed female with the tart tongue. This female has sunken eyes and is thinner than she should be. She looks tired, and when she tries to reach for the blankets, her movements are sluggish.

I have done this to her.

My heart sinks. “Jo-see?”

“Go away,” she breathes, averting her face from mine. “I don’t want to see you.”

I touch her cheek before she can push my hand away. I am filled with longing, an aching need that will never be fulfilled. She will never be my mate. She will never let me claim her. She will never accept me into her arms and let me fill her belly with our child.

Those things will not be mine.

I realize this now and I am filled with a sense of loss greater than when I awoke and my khui was silent. My breast hums now with resonance, but the song is desperate and sad, and Jo-see’s answering song does not make me feel better.

She would rather live in misery than take me as her mate. We cannot continue on like this. I will endure whatever I must, but the sight of her in so much pain fills me with agony.

She is my mate; it is my job to take care of her and to keep her safe, even if it is from me. I touch her cheek again and ignore how she tries to bat my hand away. Her skin is soft, and my entire body aches with the need to claim her.

But I will not. She does not wish to be mine. “You are making yourself sick, Jo-see. If you will not take me as your mate…I will take you to the Elders’ Cave.”

Her eyes flutter open and she looks at me in tired surprise. “You will? To get our khuis removed?”

I nod. I will not get mine removed. To do so seems wrong. But if she gets hers removed, she will no longer suffer, and that is what I want. “We will do as you ask. I cannot bear to see you suffer any more.”

A small smile touches her mouth and she clasps my arm. “Thank you, Haeden. Thank you so much.”

I nod. What else can I do? I can refuse her nothing, it seems.

My khui sings a sad, sad song in response.





6





HAEDEN


Two Days Later



“Ho,” I call out as we approach the entrance of the Elders’ Cave. I feel a mixture of emotions at the oval, snow-covered dome of the cave. I am pleased that soon, Jo-see will be out of her pain, but mine will just be beginning.

I am about to lose my mate once more.

“Do you think they’re here?” Jo-see asks at my side. Her hand rests on my arm. She is tired, but her eyes are bright once more, and she is not as thin as she was two days ago. Jo-see has not been eating much with the resonance attacking her body, and I have been forcing regular meals into her as part of our deal. I will take her to the Elders’ Cave to see the sur-jer-ee ma-sheen and she will eat. She no longer looks as if she is withering away, but I still worry over her.

I will always worry over her. No matter what she thinks, she is mine. I rub my chest. “They will be here. Rukh does not like to live with the tribe. They are too noisy.” Vektal said that during the brutal season, they moved back with everyone else, but when the weather cleared for the bitter season, they left immediately. I understand Rukh’s reluctance to be around others. Sometimes I wish they would all go away, as well.

“I hope the ma-sheen is fixed,” she tells me. “I don’t think I can stand it if it’s still broken. If we’re stuck.”

Her hope makes my heart ache even more. I pat her hand. “There will be an answer for us inside, one way or another.”

We enter the cave and Jo-see holds onto my arm as we move up the sloping ramp. My khui rumbles a pleased response, and I only rub my chest harder. She bends over to undo her snow-shoes and I take over the task - she is tired. “Rest. I have this.”

“Thanks,” she murmurs, and stands still as I remove them from her boots. “I appreciate this, you know.”

I grunt. The only reason I do this is because I cannot bear to see her grow sicker. There is no other reason. If it were up to me, I would have her on the floor with her legs spread…and the thought alone makes my cock ache unbearably. I ignore it as best I can and straighten.

Feet stomp down one of the hallways of the Elders’ Cave and then Rukh appears. He puts a finger to his lips, indicating silence, and in his arms is a blanket-covered bundle, fast asleep.

Jo-see’s eyes light up at the sight and she clasps her hands. “Is Rukhar asleep? Can I hold him?”

Rukh nods and offers her the kit, looking at us curiously. He’s a big, burly male with sharp features and looks very much like Raahosh, if Raahosh were not scarred and ugly from an old hunt gone wrong. He studies us. “Why you here, friends? Is bad news?” His speech is rough, but has come a long way in the moons since he returned to the tribe.