According to the cootie, I guess I do. I need to be filled first by Haeden, and then by the baby he’s going to leave inside me. Wordless frustration spirals through me, but I force it back.
I’ve already had my night of tears. I won’t let myself have more. I need a solution. So I lie back and think of options.
I…really don’t have any.
I’ve tried denying my cootie. I’ve been doing that for the last month, and it’s gotten me nowhere but exhausted and wrung-out. On some days, I don’t feel strong enough to get out of bed. I can’t go on like this forever. So that’s a big X.
I can’t get my cootie out of my chest safely. Not without the surgery machine, which is currently busted. So that’s not an option.
I could…kill Haeden.
I giggle a little wickedly at the thought. Okay, I totally couldn’t kill Haeden. Not only is he stronger than me, I would never be able to live with myself if I harmed another person. I’m not like that. And I don’t hate him. I just hate being attached to him.
What option does that leave?
Just one, I’m afraid.
I swallow hard, thinking about being mated to Haeden. One night of unpleasant sex with a man that scorns me and makes me feel like less? I could live through it. I don’t want it, of course, but I’ve had worse and I’ve lived through it. It’s what comes next that scares me.
There’s a big plus to giving in. A baby. I hug my arms to my chest and imagine my belly filled with a new life. I imagine a baby of my own to cuddle and love. My heart aches with want. I’d love a child. I’d love one so badly. All my life, there’s never been anyone or anything that’s loved me unconditionally. I was tossed from foster home to foster home for as long as I could remember, and I’ve never had a pet. A child as sweet as Liz’s chubby Raashel would be amazing. I’d even take a little crankmonster like Harlow’s Rukhar, because when he gives that droopy baby smile, you feel like your entire world brightens.
A baby. My cootie wants me to have a baby. Tears threaten to come to my eyes, and I feel a surge of want and love so strong that my cootie immediately starts purring, no doubt thinking Haeden is in the room.
And that brings me back down to earth.
Haeden.
If I give in to the resonance - and everything in my body is just about to give out, so it’s not looking like I have a choice - I’m going to be considered his mate. His wifey. I’ll be tied to him forever and ever. I’ll be stuck with him looking at me with scorn every day for the rest of my life. His irritated snort of derision every time I speak up. He’ll break me down until I’m nothing.
And that’s the life I’ll bring my baby into.
A yearning ache fills my breast. I was never loved by my parents, given up for adoption at the age of two. I’ve always dreamed of the fantasy of a real family and a happy ever after. That one day, all the bad shit I’ve gone through will be behind me, and it’ll be worth it because I’ll have nothing but happiness for the rest of my life.
It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s just a dream. That I’m giving up on everything I’ve ever hoped for.
My back aches from the hard bed and I shift, trying to get comfortable. As I do, a bit of dust falls onto my face and I cough, sitting up. Not the most comfortable place to relax. I gaze around the room, vaguely irritated that I’ve come to no decision.
As I do, I start to feel guilty. There’s a seat built into one of the walls across from me, and it’s large and obviously sa-khui sized and not human sized. There’s a door off to the side and while it’s mostly collapsed, I imagine it to lead to a private bathroom, again sa-khui sized. What was it the computer called their people?
Sakh. Right.
They didn’t want to come here. From what I remember of the stories Georgie told me, they were going on a nature retreat to another planet - or something along those lines - when they crashed here and couldn’t leave.
They didn’t have a choice in how their lives went from there. They just sucked it up and carried on. They made do. They had children, and they lived their lives, and they did the best they could with what they’d been given.
I smooth one glove over my furry leggings, thinking.
Maybe I need to suck it up, too. Maybe I need to accept that, like the alien ancestors that crashed here, we don’t always get a choice in our future, and we need to make the best of things.
That means taking Haeden to my bed and getting rid of the resonance problem. It means hitching my wagon to his for the rest of my life, and while that doesn’t sound fun…right now I’m not exactly having fun, either.
And there will be a baby. I want that baby. If nothing else, I’ll have a child to love and cuddle, a child of my own.
Hello, silver lining.
I get to my feet, and nearly collapse again. My legs are weak and trembling, another side effect of the stupid resonance. I just want to feel strong again. I want to not want Haeden anymore. All the lust I feel for him? It’s artificial. It’s meaningless, and I hate that it controls me.
But…maybe it won’t be so bad if he is a good kisser. No one ever seems to kiss me, and I’d love for just one really wonderful kiss. I don’t think I’ll get it from Haeden, but I can’t help but hope a little.
Time to get this show on the road, I guess. I suck in a deep breath, hold on to the wall for support, and choose my path.
7
HAEDEN
Jo-see is gone for much of the afternoon, and her absence gnaws at me. I know she is in bowels of the Elders’ Cave, and she is safe, but I want to see her. I need to. Rukh, luckily, is not talkative, and we enjoy a companionable, if surly, silence between us as we sharpen weapons and tend to the fire. I feel as if I should be doing something - hunting, watching over Jo-see, providing for her, taking care of her needs - but I remain by the fire and tend to my things instead, waiting for her. A hunter’s life is such that he must always be repairing his gear. There are always fish hooks to be made out of bone, a spear-head gone blunt with use that must be sharpened, knives that must have their edges honed, nets to be repaired, straps that have grown weak with use, and shoes to be mended. Normally I find comfort in the endless chores, but today it makes me impatient.
I snap a delicate fish hook with my fingers and snarl, casting the shards into the coals of the fire. “Ridiculous.”
Rukh looks over at me with a narrow-eyed gaze.
I glare at him. He says nothing, but I can imagine what he is thinking. That is the third fish hook I have carved - and broken - in a row. My focus is on anything but the tasks before me. Instead, I worry about Jo-see. She has been gone for a long time. Did she hurt herself? Fall? Is she bleeding and in trouble even now? I surge to my feet. “I need to go.”
“Go where?” Rukh pokes at the fire and turns the spit, roasting a quill-beast. His mate likes her meat charred and most of the supplies here are cooked beyond inedible to a sa-khui tongue, but Rukh does not seem to mind. His Har-loh is happy and that is all that matters to him.
I toss aside my carving knife. “Anywhere. I—“
I stop. Jo-see is in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. She’s watching me, her gaze on my face. As our eyes meet, she gives me a tentative smile.
My khui flares to life, thrumming hard in my chest. Its song is wildly desperate, and my blood pounds in my ears, my weakened body unable to cope with my khui’s excitement. My cock stiffens in my breechcloth and I adjust myself with one quick hand, my tail flicking.
“Can we…can we talk?” Jo-see takes a step forward, her hair spilling over her shoulder. She looks vulnerable and beautiful all at once and my body hungers with the need to touch her. She’s looking at me as she speaks, and it feels as if the first time in almost a moon, she is seeing me.
I feel a surge of triumph deep in my bones.
She has come to accept the resonance.
Rukh grunts and gets to his feet, though I am barely aware of his presence. “I go check on my mate.” He tosses aside the fire-stick, glances at us, and then leaves the room, hitting a panel on the wall. The wall seems to close together and slides shut behind him.
We are alone, and I inhale deeply, filling my nostrils with her sweet scent.
My mate is coming to me.
My mate.
My khui hums even louder as she takes a few tiny steps in my direction. She looks fragile and hesitant, yet she is moving toward me. This is good. I force myself to remain still as she approaches. If I grab at her, I will lose her. I clench my fists at my side, determined to remain motionless, even though my khui is all but frantic in my breast. It senses her nearness and grows wild.
She moves forward and then stops, brushing a lock of her long hair back behind an ear. “I…” she pauses and licks her lips. I stare at the pink flash of tongue, my cock aching unbearably at the sight. Humans have smooth tongues, I have been told. At first I was repulsed by the thought, but now I imagine Jo-see’s small tongue on my skin and nearly spend in my loincloth.
“Yes?” I growl the word.
Jo-see blinks, a little startled, and then rubs her arms. “So…remember when we talked? And I said I would never give in?” Her gaze drops and she gives a small little sigh. “I can’t hold out any longer. This is me…giving in. You win.”