“No bad news.” I look over at Jo-see. She’s gazing down at the kit with an adoring look and it makes me ache even more to think she will never hold our kit like this. My khui rumbles loudly in my chest, and hers answers.
Rukh immediately tenses, alert. “Is—“
“Resonance,” I say abruptly. “She wants the sur-jree ma-sheen to fix it.”
Rukh scowls. “Nothing change resonance. It final.”
I agree, but I will let Jo-see speak.
“We’re going to get our khuis removed,” she says, happiness in her voice. “If it’s not there any longer, then we can’t resonate to each other. We’ll get them removed and put in new ones.”
Rukh looks at me as if to say, why do you agree to this?
I scowl at him. Jo-see is not stupid. I do not agree with what she wants, but I will not let him stop her. I feel the overwhelming urge to step in front of her, to protect her from Rukh’s disapproval. “Just show us the ma-sheen.”
The kit in Jo-see’s arms hiccups and makes a fussy noise, and she makes a soothing sound and begins to rock it. “Not so loud, both of you.”
Rukh throws his hands up, as if giving up. “Follow.”
I put a hand on Jo-see’s back protectively, and because I’m shaking with the need to touch her. She allows it, and my khui sings loudly in my chest at this touch. It wants more. I want more…but it cannot be.
Rukh leads us deeper into the Elders’ Cave, and I realize that every time I come here, it looks less like a cave and more like the strange square made of rock that the humans arrived in. They said it was a ship, and as lights blink in the walls and strange squares and ovals dot the walls and flash, I feel uneasy. How Rukh can live here amongst this strangeness, I do not understand. His mate would follow him anywhere. Why they choose to stay here I do not grasp.
The kit makes another unhappy noise and then begins to cry. A moment later, a human female appears, extending her arms. “Feeding time. Hi Jo, hi Haeden.” Har-loh is a strange looking human, with hair the color of flame and specks all over her belly-pale skin, but she smiles at the sight of us as she takes her kit from Jo-see’s arms. “What are you two doing here?”
“They resonate,” Rukh says.
Her eyes go wide and she looks at us. Her gaze moves quickly over me and then lingers on Jo-see. “Oh no. Jo!” Her voice is full of sympathy.
I scowl darkly. Does everyone think I am cruel to her? “Tell them your plan, Jo-see.” I rub my chest again, trying to silence my humming khui.
Jo-see follows Har-loh into the next room, chattering in that bright, lively voice of hers about her plan. Har-loh puts her kit under her tunic and feeds it as they talk, and I lean against one of the long tables set out in the room and watch my mate. I pay no attention to what they say, because I do not like the plan.
But I cannot stop watching her. It fills me with pleasure to see her smile, to see her eyes light up with enthusiasm. She tucks a strand of her soft hair behind a tiny ear and my fingers twitch with the need to touch her mane. Her hands move as she talks to Har-loh and her gestures are fluid and graceful. She would be a wonderful mate.
I rub my chest again, frowning in the direction of the women.
Jo-see looks over and sees my scowl and flinches.
Her reaction only makes me scowl harder.
“So that’s why we’re here,” Jo-see says. “If we can remove our khuis, then we can get rid of the resonance. That’s why Haeden was able to resonate to me - his old one that chose his last mate is gone.”
“It is wrong,” Rukh says, looking over at me as if daring me to disagree.
“I will do what Jo-see wants,” I say flatly and am rewarded with a brilliant smile from my mate. My khui hums louder with pleasure, unaware of what we discuss.
“It’s not our decision to make, Rukh,” Har-loh says in a sweet voice. Her wide-eyed gaze flicks between me and Jo-see. “I wish I could help, but the ma-sheen is still broken.”
Jo-see’s face falls with disappointment. “W-what?”
I stagger with relief. My hands clench into fists at my side. Jo-see’s sadness is terrible to see, but my own joy is nearly overwhelming me. She cannot un-choose me.
She will remain mine.
JOSIE
“Look,” Harlow says, pulling out a panel in the medical bay. “I can fix a lot of stuff, but I’ve been working on this particular beast for a long time and I’m not getting anywhere.” She holds a square out to me and then pulls out a second. “These are supposed to be identical.”
I compare the one in my hands to the one in her hand. It’s charred in a few spots and the middle looks a bit like melted frosting. All the tiny, glittering components have melted together and smooshed into a silvery mess. Disappointment flares inside me. “This isn’t an easy fix, is it?”
“Nope. I don’t even know how they made these particular parts, so replacing them - if we can even replace them - is going to be a real bitch.” She slides her square back into the wall and then carefully takes the panel from me and replaces it. “I’m not giving up, but it’s going to take time.”
Time’s something I feel like I don’t have. I fight back tears of frustration. “How long? Weeks? Months?” Just the thought of holding out for a few more months makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
The look Harlow gives me is sympathetic. “Maybe longer, girl. I don’t know. I try to do what I can but this is alien technology. If I can’t plug part A into slot B, I might not be able to do anything. What I can do is pretty basic. And my time to work on things is limited, between Rukh and Rukhar, and day to day chores. There’s not a ton of time to fiddle with machines, no matter how much I want to.”
She’s right. Of course she’s right. There’s so many additional chores to daily living that they eat up a lot of day. You can’t just buy a new shirt from a store - you have to hunt the animal, cure the leather, cut it and sew it before you can wear it. Everything on Not-Hoth takes six steps instead of one, and it eats up the day. I know Harlow’s trying, but the thought of waiting months or longer? I can’t. I don’t have that time.
I put a hand on my forehead, trying to think. I can hear Rukh and Haeden talking quietly in the next room - I know they’re close because my cootie is purring madly. It won’t stop.
There’s only one way to make things stop if I can’t get my cootie out of me. Unease clenches my stomach. Sex with Haeden.
Sex with someone that hates me. Ugh.
I’ve had bad sex in the past. I’ve been abused by foster parents, raped by aliens, and gone on terrible dates where things got out of hand. I’ve made bad choices and I’ve had others’ bad choices thrust on me. I’ve survived it all. I can live if I have awful, unpleasant, unwanted sex again.
But the thought of bringing a child into this? It feels so wrong.
I’m trapped. I don’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry,” Harlow says. Her hand touches mine. “I really do wish I could help.”
“It’s okay. I’ll think of something.” I don’t know what, but there’s got to be a way out of this.
* * *
I retreat to one of the old rooms of the ship, just to get away from the others. Harlow’s busy with the baby and a jigsaw of components, and Rukh and Haeden are preparing food near the fire. I don’t feel like talking or holding the baby - for once - so I hide away where I can have some time to myself to think.
The back of the ship isn’t in use. Harlow and Rukh stay to the front, and the sa-khui never go exploring deep into the bowels. They don’t trust the ship, especially since the ‘walls’ (doors) started opening and revealing new passages. I head down one of these now, climbing up a pair of metal stairs that have withstood the test of time and moving down a narrow hall. The floor is pitted with holes and weak in some spots, wires and cables hanging from the ceiling. There’s a chilly breeze moving through the air that tells me the hull has been breached somewhere close by. But it’s quiet, and it’s private.
It’s also eerie.
There are traces that people used to live here - a forgotten scrap of clothing that’s nearly rotted away. An old circular canister whose meaning I can’t decipher. Something that looks like it was once a child’s toy. I touch nothing, feeling the need to exist here without disturbing things. I don’t want to dig up the past, I just want to make sense of the chaos in my head.
I sit on the edge of a hard cot that juts from one of the metal walls. If there was ever a mattress here, it’s long rotted away. There is debris and a bit of dirt in the corners of the oversized square, and I run my gloved hand over it before lying down and staring up at the ceiling. There are cracks that let the light in, and a large chunk of black metal looks as if it’s about to fall inward, but I don’t move.
If fate’s going to dick me over, well, it can’t be any worse than it is right now.
Haeden’s my mate. I taste the words on my tongue and find I still can’t reconcile myself to them. I’ve been sick for nearly a month now due to fighting my cootie, and I’m so tired. So exhausted in both mind and body. The cootie won’t let me rest. I’m constantly twitching and aware - even in my sleep - and I can’t relax. My pussy aches, something I’ve never really experienced before. Not the ache of abuse but a deep down, empty, gnawing ache as if I need to be filled.