I translate for Megan and wince when Esha’s small, grabbing hands discover my translator and pull on it. I gently tug her little fingers free, feeling envious of the growing smile of relief on Megan’s face.
“I’m so glad to hear that.” She gestures at the healer, who is looking at me. “You want to get her to look at you? See if there’s a reason why you’re not resonating?”
I bite my lip and then shake my head. “I know why I’m not.”
“What is it?” Her eyes are wide.
I hesitate. I’m so frightened to tell someone but I also feel the need to share my burden. I want someone to understand why I’m so uneasy. “My appendix burst when I was thirteen. I nearly died, and I was in the hospital for a long time. It caused several of my organs to become infected, and when I was better, the doctors told me I’d be unable to have children.” I shrug. “I know I won’t resonate because I’m not fertile.”
The look of sympathy in her eyes hurts. She glances at Maylak, who is unable to understand our conversation. “Maybe she can look. Maybe…”
I shake my head and snuggle Esha, watching out for the little horns jutting from her baby head. They’re tucked flat against her skull for now, but they’ll grow larger and more protruding later. “It is what it is. I just worry they’ll boot me out once they find out the truth.”
“I won’t say anything,” Megan says fiercely. “You have my word.”
“Thank you.” I give her a soft smile.
She returns my smile and then her expression changes and grows weird. A giggle escapes her throat. “Um, you got something you want to tell us?”
I’m confused about what she’s referring to, and then Maylak chuckles as well. “Esha!”
I look down and the baby’s found my…courting gift and is examining it with great intensity.
“Oh my lord,” I murmur and take it from her, wrapping it with leather again. “Aehako gave this to me.”
“Uh huh,” Megan says, voice teasing.
“Blame Liz. She told him it was what human men do to court women.”
“Ooo, a romance blossoming?” She clasps her hands. “That’s so awesome.”
I shake my head. “It’s not going anywhere. I’m never going to resonate. How do I know he won’t resonate to you tomorrow? Or to Josie? Or Claire?”
Then I’ll be abandoned again. It’s the story of my life. Every time I meet a guy — a rare enough occasion as it is — and we start to connect, I feel obligated to point out that I can’t have children. And since I don’t put out, their interest dies. I’m not a long-term girlfriend. I’m a short, not-very-fun sort of fling until they meet the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
And it’s never, ever me.
This time, Megan’s sympathetic look of pity bothers me.
“It is what it is. Here,” I say, opening my pouch to turn the conversation. “I brought you herbs, Maylak.”
• • •
Things are quiet for several days. The humans keep themselves busy enough. Josie’s decided that she wants to learn how to cook, and Tiffany’s still working on trying to make dvisti wool into yarn of some kind. Megan is with Maylak tending to the herb plants around the caves, and Harlow is scraping skins. Claire hides with her alien boyfriend and watches the small children when the parents are busy.
Everyone’s staying busy, including me. There’s granulated salt from the ‘great salt lake’ a few days travel away, and it’s precious to everyone, so I’m trying to figure out how to salt or smoke meat to make it last longer. Food’s precious, though, so I take the unpleasant bits that people don’t like the taste of and experiment on those. Even that feels wasteful, though. One of the caches of frozen meat was buried under an avalanche and the tribe is worried that there won’t be enough food to feed everyone when it gets ‘really cold’ so we’re all in work mode. There’s extra mouths, pregnant women, and lots of clothing needed so there’s no time to be idle.
Aehako hasn’t been around lately. He’s been out hunting as well, and it’s weird, but I miss his flirting and his laughter. I tell myself that I shouldn’t, but everyone else seems to be blending in just fine with the group…except me.
I feel weirdly lonely. Maybe it’s because my closest friends all seem to have found love. I hate that I feel envy when I see Vektal feeding Georgie choice bits of meat, or the fact that Liz and Raahosh prefer to stay out in the field because it means a lot of alone time for them. I’m even envious of Ariana, because her mate Zolaya bends over backward to make her smile.