A few more snorts came from behind us, and I joined in the barnyard orchestra, snorting louder and more obnoxiously than Phil-who had obviously managed to wake up and make his way into the living room-and doing it directly into Thatch's face.
He tried to gently disentangle my hands from his face, but I stayed resolute in our literal nose-to-nose position.
"Cass," he said, and his brow furrowed. "What's going on?"
"It's that fucking time of year when everything is blooming. I'm all stuffy and snorty."
"Stuffy and snorty?"
"Yeah, you know, allergy season. It kicks my ass."
"This is the first time I've ever heard you complain about allergies."
"Well, they usually don't bother me, but … " I paused, searching for a reason. "But, I went for a run today in Central Park, and they were cutting the grass, and I think it just triggered the snorts."
He raised a curious brow. "You went for a run today?"
"Um, yeah. I love to run."
His eyes squinted in disbelief. "You love to run?"
Fuck, this hole felt deep. "All the time."
"Considering the last time I tried to wake you up for a run, you told me you'd bite my dick off, I'd say that seems a little farfetched, honey."
Before I could offer a retort, the soundtrack of snorts and rustling started to play again, which meant I had to snort along and, obviously, come up with a quick plan. Because, yeah, this was not going to work for any substantial amount of time. Christ, I had brought Phil home to help me mess with Thatch, not cockblock me from fucking the prankster. I'd just wanted to live through the high of another one of Thatch's unexpected reactions. They made me feel good.
My gaze found the tie loosened around Thatch's neck, and I quickly unfastened the Windsor knot the rest of the way. "Let's play, baby," I purred and held the tie in front of him.
His expression remained skeptical, but his cock showed a biological reaction a little suspicion couldn't deny, hardening instantly between my thighs.
"We're going to play," I instructed as I secured the makeshift blindfold over his eyes, "What part of Cassie's body are you touching."
"I'll only play if by touching you actually mean your lips, pussy, or tits touching my mouth."
"Deal," I agreed, removing myself from his lap and turning around to find Phil face-deep in a bag of plain tortilla chips that had come inside the takeout bag.
"Shit," I muttered and silently prayed to the heavens above that the little piggy hadn't managed to reach the nachos. I wasn't an animal expert, but my general knowledge of Mexican food and digestive tracts told me that would have been the opposite of good.
"Wait, where'd you go?" Thatch asked behind me.
"Uh … I just wanted to freshen up my pussy and tits for you," I said, and even though I realized how gross that sounded, I was too determined to care.
I had to hide the porcine chastity belt so I could resume the sex bubble.
"Stay right there, baby. Don't move that big cock from the couch. I'll be right back."
It should be noted here that I do not have a tuna twat or hairy nipples.
I'm groomed and fresh as a motherfucking daisy in those goddamn Irish Spring commercials.
Seriously, my pussy smells like a meadow full of flowers.
Well, the meadow with a hint of pussy.
Because let's face it, pussies smell like pussies.
And there's no avoiding that fact unless you want a yeast infection.
I picked up Phil and carried him down the hallway, muttering, "I gave you one fucking responsibility. Be. Cool. That was all you had to do, and you pretty much fucked it up."
Phil snorted, and his tail wiggled back and forth when I set him down on the bed.
"You're being a bit of a cock-block, dude," I chastised, but he didn't mind, seemingly more concerned with rooting through the comforter.
"Who's a cock-block?" Thatch's voice filled the room.
I turned to find his large frame-still clad in a sexy charcoal-gray suit-standing in the doorway, sans blindfold.
His jaw dropped the second his eyes met the tiny, teacup pig snorting and nudging his nose against the bed.
"What in the ever-loving fuck?"
Well, shit. So much for waiting until after we boned.
And since the cat-well, pig-was out of the bag, I did the only thing I could …
"Surprise!" I exclaimed and did jazz hands to punctuate the statement. "I bought you a pig!"
"You … " His gaze moved back and forth between Phil and me. "What?"
I picked Phil up from the bed, cuddled him close to my chest, and walked over toward Thatch, who appeared to be frozen in the doorway to his bedroom.
"I bought you this little guy," I explained. "I wanted to do something thoughtful for you."
"I brought home nachos for you, and you bought me a pig?"
I tried not to smile. God, this was almost as good as sex.
"Aw, babe, we aren't keeping score. Anyway, I'm sure you'll repay me with something even more thoughtful."
He just stared back at me. "I never said I wanted a pig, Cassie. I live in the city, for fuck's sake. What in the hell am I going to do with a pig? Fuck. I'm pretty sure they're illegal in New York."
"Don't worry," I said, handing Phil to Thatch. "I've got that covered," I assured, grabbing the ID off the nightstand. "He's a registered service pet."
"Service pet? For who?"
I held up the ID. "For you, silly."
His eyes scanned the ID. "Mr. Philmore F. Bacon?"
"Isn't that the best name ever?"
"What does the F stand for?"
"Mr. Philmore Fucking Bacon. He's classy, but he's also a badass. I think it suits him."
"How in the fuck is he a service pet?"
"He helps your anxiety and depression."
"I don't have anxiety and depression." Thatch adjusted Phil in his arms so he was holding him like a football.
"I know that, but the city doesn't know that."
"Cassie," he started to say, but I interrupted before he could continue.
"Thatch," I said quietly, fluttering my eyelashes as I prepared to unleash the big guns. "I really feel like this is the next big step in our relationship. You know, before marriage and kids. I want to make sure we're responsible together before we move forward. I figured a pet was the best way to do it. And, well," I whispered, feigning emotion. "He just reminded me so much of Dad. And you remember how much I loved Dad."
"Jesus," he muttered to himself.
"Do you want to move our relationship forward?" I asked, pretending to get choked up.
He stared at me for a few seconds before glancing down at Phil.
When his eyes met mine again, he finally answered, "Yeah, honey. I think this was a great idea."
I waited for my chest to fill with the usual disappointment and annoyance of not being able to get Thatch to fold, but it never came.
Thank fuck.
I never wanted him to fold.
"Wake up, honey," Thatch whispered in my ear.
"Go away." I groaned and swatted at his face.
"C'mon, Cassie. It's time to rise and shine."
I rolled onto my side and pulled the comforter over my head, and his chuckles practically followed me under the blankets. "It's too early for this shit."
We'd spent the rest of last night eating and watching trashy Lifetime movies while Phil fell asleep in Thatch's lap. And when I had fallen asleep, I'd relished the idea of spending today sleeping my ass off. This wake-up call was not on my agenda.
"You don't even know what time it is."
"I know it's too fucking early."
He wrapped his arm around my waist and turned me onto my back with ease, even managing to pull the comforter away from my face in the process. "But I've got a surprise for you."
"I don't want a boner, Thatcher." Though, my pussy hadn't gotten any kind of party last night, so maybe I did. If only the pull of sleep wasn't so strong.
He laughed. "It's not my dick."
I peeked out of one skeptical eye and turned my head to face him. "Then what is it?"
"Belgian waffles. What breakfast dreams are made of."
"As in Wafles and Dinges?" They were my favorite waffles. Think whipped cream and hot fudge and caramel and pretty much any topping you wanted, and that was Wafles and Dinges.
He nodded. "I figured we'd get Phil some fresh air in Central Park before the Saturday morning crowd hits and grab waffles on our way back."
"But what if you and Phil went together? You know, since you haven't really had a chance to get to know each other … " I trailed off and turned over on my side again. "I think that's the best idea. You take Phil to the park and bring me back a waffle on your way home." I made kissy noises as I pulled the comforter back over my face. "Kisses. You're the best, baby."
He chuckled, and I felt the mattress move as he stood up from the bed.