A baby. My legs felt wobbly.
He checked his t-shirt, saw the blood splatter. "Jimmy made quite a fucking mess of me." He slipped past me and headed down the hall. I followed him to his bedroom doorway, stared at him as he sat on his bed, pulled his t-shirt off over his head and found a fresh one.
Now or never.
I took a breath.
"I'm pregnant," I said.
He stopped moving, stopped doing anything. Stopped even breathing, I think.
A long silence, and we just looked at each other.
"Well?" I said. "Are you going to say something?"
He looked at the floor. "Is it, um. Is it mine?"
My cheeks burned, horror washing over me. I put my hands on my belly, fought the urge to cry. He looked up and saw my face, and his eyes widened.
"Of course it's yours!" I spat. "Jesus, Darren, how could you even think it wouldn't be?!"
I shook my head, reeling. I turned away and propped myself against the doorframe.
"I didn't know!" he said. "For fuck's sake, Jo, I've had that bitch Lorraine in my head, spouting fucking all sorts. You came to me for a fucking gangbang, that's what you wanted! Another one, too! How am I supposed to know what to think? All this new hair and clothes and fancy makeup, how am I supposed to know what you're doing? What you want? Who you're fucking seeing?"
"I told you I loved you!" I said. I couldn't even look at him. "I can't believe you'd think that of me after all these years. I wanted you, Darren! I always wanted you!" The tears came, welled up. I sniffed them back but he heard me.
"Fucking hell, Jo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, alright!" He kicked the bedside table. "I'm such a fucking prick, I never know what to fucking say. Always putting my fucking foot in it."
I wiped my eyes, turned back around. "Stop," I said. "I'm ok. We just need to talk … need to plan … I don't work at the cafe anymore and I'm scared … I need to know you'll help me … if you'll help me … "
He looked like I'd slapped him. "Of course I'll fucking help you."
I choked a sob of relief. "Thanks," I said. "I'm happy, I think. I mean it's crazy, and it was stupid, and I'm scared, and it's all messed up, but I'm happy."
He nodded. "That's good."
"That's all you've got to say, is it? That's good?" I shrugged. "Say something, Darren! For once in your life just fucking say something, will you? Tell me how you feel! Tell me anything! Just give me something! I'm out on a limb here and I'm all alone!"
"You're never alone, Jo," he said. "I'm always right fucking here."
I brushed stupid tears away, and he fumbled in his bedside drawer.
My heart raced as he shoved his hand to the back, rustled around in the paperwork.
No.
Please God no.
He pulled out the ring box and my heart turned cold. So cold.
He dropped to one knee, and opened the box, just like that, on his bedroom carpet amongst his dirty clothes.
I couldn't breathe. Couldn't fucking think.
"Will you marry me, Jo? Say you'll fucking marry me." His eyes were so intense.
I pulled a face, a horrible face. "Good God, no!" I said.
I stumbled to my feet, reeling. Feeling like a stupid fucking idiot.
"But I thought … you said you … "
Her eyes were so cold. "You want me to wear someone else's ring?! Some other woman's ring? Like being second choice isn't bad enough without having Stacey's fucking engagement ring on my finger, Darren!" She put her hand to her forehead, paced back and forth. "I can't believe you'd ask me that, with her ring!"
I stared at the box, mute. Just fucking mute.
It took me a second to find my tongue.
"This was never Stacey's fucking ring, Jo! Jesus Christ, what do you fucking take me for?" I rooted in the bedside drawer, threw out papers until I found the receipt. I handed it to her and she took it, eyes wide. "It was your fucking ring! It was always your ring! She found it, thought it was for her, like I'd have ever fucking proposed to her! I never loved her, Jo! I loved you, I always loved you!" I stared at her as she read the recept. "She ditched me when she found out the truth, and I was glad. I was fucking glad!"
"Carmarthen … " she said, and her voice was so low, so faint. "When Ruby was just a baby … that year we went … stayed in the caravan with Mum and Dad … "
"Yes!" I said. "Mia won that crappy pink plastic ring in the arcade and it was too big for her. You wore it on your ring finger all day, and it fit, can you remember? You flashed it in my face and gave me a smile and I knew you'd say yes. I hoped you'd say yes! I went out the next morning for bacon and eggs, and I drove back into town, went to the jewellers in the market square, the posh one. You thought I'd been to the slot machines, but I hadn't! I took the plastic ring from the draining board. You'd left it there when you were washing up. Mia asked where it was and you looked for it, said you'd have to win another one, but it was in my pocket, Jo! It was in my pocket the whole time, I took it to them and they measured it, used it for size!" I reached up into the wardrobe, pulled out an old shoebox. I threw the contents on the bed, old pictures and letters and postcards, all of them from Jo, all of them about Jo. I found the plastic ring and held it up. "See? It was your ring, Jodie! I wanted to propose to you!"
I stared at her and she stared back.
I sighed, ran my fingers through my hair. "We came home and I got that big taxi job in at the garage, long fucking hours. It was shit, I was knackered, and I lost you! We fell apart those couple of months, I watched it happen, and I had that fucking ring in that fucking drawer the whole fucking time! We were going to go back on holiday! To stay in that same caravan again! I wanted to propose on the beach! I wanted to make it all fucking romantic, like, but it was too late. We were long fucking done by then, you went on your own!"
"I didn't think you were happy … I didn't think you wanted me … " She let out a sob, and I felt it in my gut.
"Jesus, Jodie, I always fucking wanted you. I never fucking wanted anything else!"
She read the receipt again as though she couldn't quite believe it. "You never said anything, never tried to get me back … "
"I wanted to," I said. "But you were moving in with Nanna and busy at the cafe. You seemed so fucking sure!"
"I wasn't sure!" she said. "I was never sure! I cried every fucking night for a year, Darren! Over a year!"
"Well, we're both fucking hopeless then, aren't we?" I sat on the bed, completely fucking spent, twisting that pink plastic ring in my fingers.
She came and sat beside me, so near and yet so fucking far. "I always hoped you'd come back, I really did. I always hoped maybe one day we'd make it. And then there was Stacey … and it broke my heart … I couldn't even … " She took a breath. "I thought you were going to marry her, I thought our girls would be bridesmaids … "
"Never," I said. "I'd never have married her."
"And then you split up … but you never said … you never … "
"You were with Brian," I said. "By the time I'd got my act together enough to take the risk, you were already with Brian. And there was Lorraine … she said you didn't want me, said you were long over it … "
"That fucking bitch."
"Don't I fucking know it." I'd never needed a cigarette so bad. My leg was tapping. "I haven't fucked anyone," I said. "Not since the night you came here."
"I know," she said. "Buck told me."
I smiled. "Interfering prick."
She laughed, a quiet laugh. "Good job he is."
"Yeah, I'll have to buy him a pint."
"He said that … "
"I bet he fucking did." I dared to reach out, took her hand, praying she didn't fucking pull away.
She didn't.
She took the plastic ring from me and slipped it on her ring finger. "Still fits," she said.
My breath caught in my throat. "I fucking love you, Jodie. I always loved you."
"Can I see it?" she said. She gestured to the ring box. "Since it was mine and all … "
"It's still yours," I said. I passed her the box.
She flipped it open and her eyes welled up. I stared at her staring at that ring and my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears.