Bang Gang(53)

My cheeks prickled. "I …  um … " Yes, I meant it. "Yeah …  I guess I did … "

"Righto," he said.

I could have smacked him over the head with Nanna's newspaper if I had the energy.

I waited but he didn't say anything else.

"And you?" I prompted. "Did you, um …  mean it?"

"Yeah," he said. He dropped the last of the potatoes in the bowl. "I  guess I did." He sat down at the table alongside me. "We need to work  this out, Jo. I don't know what the fuck's going on like."                       
       
           



       

I sighed. "Me neither."

"I just don't wanna get it wrong."

"Me neither."

"Alright," he said. "So we talk, yeah?"

I nodded. "Yeah, we talk." I looked into the hallway, it was clear. "When the kids are in bed."

He tipped his head. "Good, yeah."



It seemed to take fucking forever for the kids to go to bed.

Dinner time seemed more chaotic than usual, but it was probably just  down to me feeling off. Mia had homework she'd mysteriously forgotten  about through the half-term break, and Ruby was on a mission to watch a  film instead of Question King. Nanna took some convincing. I told her  she'd have to watch the re-run on catch up, and she relented enough to  settle down to watch Ruby's choice with the rest of us.

Considering it was Ruby's choice she didn't last long into it. Too  little sleep, for both girls, they were both flaked out on Darren's  shoulders by halfway through.

When they were clearly out for the count, and Nanna was dozing in her chair, I flicked the TV to standby.

I nudged Mia gently and told her to make her way to bed. She moved on  autopilot, giving us token hugs before she disappeared upstairs.

Darren lifted Ruby from the sofa and carried her up to bed. I followed  and stood in the doorway to watch him, loving how tenderly he lowered  her onto her mattress and tucked her in.

I was as pooped as they were, I told him so.

"I'll go then," he said. "We'll do it another time, no bother."

I reached out for his hand as he made his way towards the stairs. He  stopped, stared at me, eyes widening as I led him along the landing to  my bedroom door.

I'd have fucked him if I'd had the energy, but all I could do was ditch my clothes and slip into bed.

He undressed without words and climbed in beside me, and he was tense, nervous. It was unlike him.

"What is it?" I said.

"Just this … " he replied. "It's just …  weird."

"Bad weird?"

He pulled me close, and I felt him shake his head. "No, not bad weird."

We lay there for ages, wrapped up together. His fingers stroked my hair,  his shoulder so solid under my cheek. Just like old times.

I drifted in and out of sleep, but every time I moved he was right there, awake.

I guess he didn't sleep at all.

I heard Nanna climb upstairs and head into her room. I heard the  neighbour's car pull up after her late night pub shift. I knew the time  must be getting on by the time Darren nudged me from half-sleep.

"Am I staying, Jo?"

I mumbled something incoherent.

"I mean it," he said. "If I fall asleep then this is for keeps. The girls …  if I stay, they'll … "

"They'll know," I said, suddenly wide awake.

He nodded. "This has to be for real, Jo. We have to be sure."

"I know," I said. "For the girls."

And for us.

He said nothing, just stroked my hair. The words were crammed in my  head. What about Bang Gangs? What about Stacey's ring in your drawer? Do  you really love me, Darren, or are you saying it because you want to  come home to your girls every night?

"So?" he said. "Am I going or what?"

"We've so much to talk about … " I said. "There's so much to work out … "

He sighed. "Righto."

He kissed my head before he left me. I felt so horribly bereft that I  pulled my knees to my chest, listening in horror to him pull his jeans  on and buckle the belt. He sat on the bed, reached out and squeezed my  arm. "Don't get up," he said. "I'll let myself out."

"This isn't a no, Darren, it's a we need to talk first."

He didn't say anything.

"Get some rest, Jodie, you look fucking spent."

I nodded, even though he probably couldn't see me. "Night, Darren," I said.

"Night, Jo."



It took me less than a minute to change my mind and rush onto the landing to call him back.

But he was already gone.

I listened to his truck pull away from the drive and knew I never wanted to hear that sound again.

Not the sound of him leaving us.                       
       
           



       



I wanted him back home for good.





I spent Monday morning throwing up, thanking the hangover for the fact I had a legitimate reason to avoid ladies who lunch.

Tonya called on me afterwards. She said hello to Nanna who was engrossed  in Antiques Hunt, then ushered me into the kitchen and informed me with  glee that both Debbie Gibson and Mandy Taylor were still in the queue.

"I'm telling you now, Jo," she said. "He's not fucking them. I don't think he's got any intention of fucking them."

"Who knows," I said, "he might just be booked up."

"Yeah, right. Like fuck he is." She rolled her eyes. "You two are  hopeless. Why don't you just ask him? No, tell him. Tell him to ditch  this shit for good."

I avoided the question, because in truth I'd been avoiding it myself for  long enough. The fear of rejection was always there, festering under  the surface, the memory of losing him the first time around embedded so  heavily in my heart that I wasn't sure I could go through that again.  That was the truth of it. And it scared me.

The whole thing scared me. Icarus sailing way too close to Darren Trent's sun for comfort.

I told her he'd nearly stayed last night and she clapped her hands. "I  knew it!" she said. "It's just a matter of time. Tell him to come home,  tell him to ditch this stupid Bang Gang nonsense and bring his stuff  back round."

"And what if he won't … "

"Why wouldn't he?" she said. "It's not like he's busy fucking around  every bloody night, you're seeing too much of him for that."

And that was another thing that was niggling me. We'd made no plans this  week and I was still holding off on it. I was due any day, and although  Darren really didn't give a shit whether I was on my monthlies or not, I  did. The thought of the washing alone was exhausting, and what if this  was just sex? What if he turned his nose up when he found it wasn't  going to be rough and tumble all night long?

But he'd held me, last night, just held me.

"Lorraine collared me earlier," she said. "Told me she's having a party  on Wednesday night. Some Halloween bash, women's interests."

The thought of Lorraine made me feel sicker than I was already. "Women's interests?"

She nodded. "Sex toys and that kind of shit, I guess." She grinned.  "Better get that savings card of yours out, I'm sure there are plenty of  experiences of a lifetime a couple of sex toys and Darren Trent could  indulge you in."

"I think I'll give it a miss … " I said.

She pulled a face. "No way! We're totally going! I'd love to see what  dodgy shit Lorraine gets up to behind that Miss Prissy facade. I bet  she's pure filth."

"Lorraine?" I laughed. "She was married for a million years, told me her ex-husband was a terrible lay."

"Yeah, well, she's been unmarried for a million years, too. That woman's  no stranger to a bit of bump and grind, I'm telling you."

"Guess we'll find out."

She smiled. "You'll come?"

I nodded. "Why not. I could do with building some bridges with Lorraine, things have been …  tense … "

She raised an eyebrow. "Darren?"

"She doesn't think I should be going anywhere near him, made it clear she thinks I'm being an absolute fucking idiot."

She shrugged. "Gah, whatever. She'll get over it."

I hoped so. I really hoped so.

Tonya was waffling away about potential purchases when the hangover  struck again. I raced to the kitchen sink and struggled to hold it back,  retching up nothing and waving her to stay away.

"Shit," I said. "I really can't drink anymore. Seriously, that wine fucked me up. Pathetic, I know."

Her face was unreadable, and that's rarely the case with Tonya. "You  hardly fucking drank any, Jo, not really. I polished off way more than  you did, and I'm not throwing my guts up all over the place."

I shrugged. "I guess I'm not so used to it."