But I would've been cheating myself.
She lifted herself clear of my dick, and I braced myself, my body knowing her moves on instinct, memories I'd never forget. She gripped my cock and shifted forwards, and I felt the tight ring of her ass. Oh fuck, it felt so fucking divine as she lowered herself onto me, so fucking slowly, painfully fucking slowly.
Her ass was made to take my fucking dick, always had been. It was as good now as it'd ever been, so fucking good I could have shot my load before I was even all the way in.
I could hear the chatter outside, the laughter of people on the piss just a couple of feet away. I could feel the chill in the air, far too cold to be fucking naked in a tent, but nothing mattered. Nothing fucking mattered, just the way it felt to be inside her.
She kept her face a few inches from mine, her eyes staring straight down at me. Her hair tickled my cheeks, rippling as she lifted herself up and down.
She changed angle and let out a gasp, her pussy grinding against me, her movements frantic.
"That feels so good," she said. "Fuck, Darren … don't move … please don't move … "
I didn't. I didn't fucking move, just let her do her thing.
My balls tightened, my cock pulsing as she teased me to the brink. I held back, held it off, breathed my way through it until she shuddered, her breath sharp.
"God," she hissed. "Oh God, Darren … oh fuck … "
"That's it," I said. "That's it, Jo … "
Her pussy clenched as she came and her asshole tightened with it. It sent me over the edge, thrusting up at her like a man fucking possessed. I came deep and hard, pulling my hands free to grab her hips and force her down onto my cock and hold her there. I held her tight, held her still, unloading my balls right the way inside, and I never wanted to stop, never wanted to pull out, never wanted this to fucking end.
"Fuck," she murmured. "I can't even … that feels so … "
"I know," I said. "I fucking know it, Jo."
I pulled her forwards, skin to skin as our breathing calmed. I could feel her racing heart against mine. I wrapped her in my arms and held her tight.
I was breathing so loud I hardly heard her, hardly heard the whisper that came from her mouth.
"I love you."
I couldn't quite believe it, my belly fucking lurching at the thought, in case I'd misheard, in case I'd got it wrong, in case I'd …
"I love you, Darren," she repeated. "I never stopped loving you."
My mouth was dry, eyes wide as I took her face in my hands and made her look at me.
She looked so shy, so unsure, hardly the minx that had ridden me senseless a few short minutes back.
I brushed her lip with my thumb, stared right into her eyes, willing myself to say the words, willing myself just to put it out there. I took a deep breath, and kissed her lips, held her there until the words would come.
"I love you, too," I said.
I hadn't realised how close people were outside. I could hear everything, every laugh, every drunk bit of banter, and the embarrassment flushed hard, knowing they'd probably heard me, too.
I was reeling a little, reeling that he'd told me he loved me, reeling that I'd said it first, that I'd been the one to raise the bar, to make this something. Worrying that he didn't mean it, that he'd only said it because I'd said it first.
But no. I'd seen it in his eyes.
I pulled on my clothes, and he pulled on his, and I said I should get back to the girls, and he agreed. He kissed my head before he unzipped the tent, and I crawled out into the open, burning up afresh as people turned to stare.
Yeah, they'd heard us alright.
Darren didn't even seem to notice, just clambered out after me and lit up a cigarette. We didn't speak as we made our way back across the field, smiles bright as we rejoined the others. We sat apart, like everything was just the same, even though it wasn't.
Nothing felt the same.
I couldn't drink any more wine, just poured myself a glass of water instead. My belly felt unsettled, and I felt so old because of it, too old to be drinking like I was a teenager anymore.
I called it a night soon after, my eyes lingering on Darren's as he held up a hand and said he'd see me in the morning.
Oh God, how I wanted him to stay with me.
I climbed into my sleeping bag and my toes were like ice. It took ages to warm up and as soon as I had I was blasted with cold air as Tonya bumbled her way through the tent. She crawled into a sleeping bag at my side.
"Shit," she said. "I kissed Buck."
I laughed, and it felt so funny, so right that other boundaries were being blown open in this place.
"Was it like kissing your brother?"
"No," she said. "And if it was, then I'm an incest convert. It was pretty hot." She groaned. "I'm going to be hanging like shit in the morning, drank way too much."
I knew the feeling, even though I'd hardly had any. I felt so sick. Really sick.
Maybe this time really was a dodgy hotdog.
"What now?" I said. "Where's it going?"
She sighed. "Jeez, Jo, I dunno. He was probably drunk. I'm drunk."
"Would you want to do it again?"
"Wouldn't say no."
I couldn't stop smiling. "I told Darren I loved him," I whispered.
I heard her roll towards me. "No shit!"
"Yeah. I really did."
"And what did he say?"
"He said it back."
She gasped and hiccupped at the same time, threw her hand to her mouth, eyes like saucers. "You're fucking kidding me?"
I shook my head, my grin hurting my face. "Scout's honour," I said.
"Oh, Jo," she took hold of my hand. "And you smell of sex. Dirty mare."
I felt my cheeks burning in the dim light, felt Darren still inside me. Then we both burst into giggles. She hugged me and I hugged her back.
"Tell me," she said, "I'm all ears."
But my tummy rolled and I fought back the urge to puke. "I'm really pooped," I said. "Feel a bit sick. I need to sleep."
"Cop out."
"For real," I said. "I feel like shit."
"Yeah yeah," she said. "Goodnight then, lovergirl."
"Night night, brother-lover."
I laughed as she jabbed me in the arm.
Darren helped us pack up the tent, giving Ruby a running commentary on the results from yesterday's racing as he did it. I kept busy, but I was still hanging, the sickness in my belly was worse, and I'd actually thrown up first thing, managing to hold it back until I'd reached a hedge at safe distance.
No more drinking for me, ever.
Darren slapped the side of the car as we pulled away, and I beeped the horn as we drove out of sight. Ruby was in good spirits, but Mia and Daisy were sombre. I'd already told them I'd have to be reporting back to Daisy's mum. That had gone down like a lead balloon.
We dropped Tonya first, and she grabbed her case with a groan. Seems she was feeling as bad as I was.
I kept things brief with Daisy's mum, gave her the lowdown without too much drama. She tutted and scowled and told Daisy she should have known better than to be so stupid, and that her privileges of being independent were revoked well and truly.
It was gone lunchtime when we got home. I dumped the tent in the garage and dragged the bags indoors, but left them there, a chaotic pile in the hallway. I just couldn't face any more of it.
Nanna was happy enough, reading the Sunday paper like we'd never even gone. She'd had fun, she said. Fresh meat to watch Question King with. It seemed she'd had easily as good a time as we'd had.
I wasn't expecting the rumble of a truck outside, but Darren came round not long after we settled down for the afternoon.
He gave no explanation, and I didn't ask, just welcomed him in like this was an everyday occurrence. I put the kettle on and told him we were having chicken and chips for tea.
"Sounds good," he said.
I got on with it, leaving him chatting away to Nanna and the girls in the living room, but he joined me soon after. He took the peeler from me and got to work on the potatoes, making a messy job of it that was very much appreciated nonetheless.
"You alright?" he said. "You look washed out."
"Tonya snores," I said. "And I can't drink anymore."
"Thirty." He smirked. "It's the big birthday approaching. You'll have to be teetotal from now on."
"Seriously feels that way," I said.
I sipped at my water and took a seat at the kitchen table, and he carried on peeling, flashing me an occasional glance over his shoulder.
"About last night," he said. "Did you, um, did you mean it like?"