As much as you can possibly practice for something like this.
I'd set out my fantasy to Darren by text, worked through the technicalities, too – how to call it off, how it would take just a simple statement of I'm done if I'd had enough. What was acceptable and what was not. Pussy, yes. Mouth, of course. Ass, one big maybe.
I didn't want to admit it to him, but Darren was the only man who'd been in the backdoor, and that was a long time ago. Brian tried it once, in a moment of drunken madness completely at odds with his regular modus operandi, and it was terrible. Just terrible.
Darren's cock and my ass seemed to form a mutual alliance from the get go, it just worked. Nothing else seemed to fit like he did, no vibrator and certainly not Brian.
So, yeah, I'd put a big maybe and said I'd see how I felt on the night.
Righto, he'd said.
Positions, I'd said whatever works. Spunk in the face, I'd said yes, please.
Condoms were an absolute. He assured me they always were.
Any particular kinks? he'd asked. I'd said No. Not this time, anyway.
He hadn't replied to that.
I had a quick glass of wine with Tonya to still my nerves, and another for the road which I chugged down before I set off.
The journey seemed to take no time.
This time Darren was outside smoking. He watched me totter along the road, and I think his scrutiny was the only thing that kept me moving forwards, kept me putting one foot ahead of the other and not caving to last minute nerves.
He met me on the stairs and his eyes were every bit as intense as usual.
"You sure this is what you want?" he said.
No. Yes. Maybe.
I want you.
"Yes," I said. "This is definitely what I want." I smiled. "I'm looking forward to it."
"Good," he said, and it was so clipped, so professional.
Hold my hand, I wanted to say. I'm scared, and worried I'll be rubbish, I'm worried this will be the shittest gangbang you guys have ever had.
I followed him upstairs and he didn't even look back at me, just finished up his cigarette at the top and held the door open as I stepped inside.
I took the opportunity to pull the envelope from my bag, handed it over without a word. He took it without looking at it, dropped it on the key shelf like it was toxic.
"Don't you want to count that? Make sure it's all there?"
"No," he said.
I shrugged. "Ok, cool."
I heard the guys in the living room, and they were so loud, laughing and joking just like any other day. I would have stalled if Darren hadn't been right at the back of me, but his presence kept me moving, made me paste that big smile on my face and remind myself why I was here.
I want this.
I want to be wild again. I want to be a woman again.
I want the kind of crazy experience that will last me a lifetime.
The guys abandoned their conversation the moment I came into view. They smiled, and Buck and Hugh shifted apart on the sofa enough to offer me a seat. I felt myself relax a little.
I knew these guys, I liked these guys. Even Jimmy O who had a reputation for being a filthy dirty bastard down the pub had always been so nice when it came to me, when it came to my girls, too.
Buck leaned in, gave my arm a squeeze, nothing dodgy. "You alright, Jo?" he asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just nervous."
He smiled. "No need to be nervous, whatever you want, however you want it. This is your gig, Jodie, we're just here when you want us."
I looked around for Darren but he wasn't in the room. I heard him banging about in the kitchen, and it seemed to take him an age. He came out with a glass of chilled white and I could have kissed him.
The others were drinking beer, but he had nothing. He sat himself on Ruby's tatty beanbag in the corner and hardly said a word.
I slumped back in my seat and drank my wine quickly, the heady warmth of it loosening up my inhibitions. I could feel them slipping away, becoming muggy and distant. I liked it. It felt really nice.
Suddenly the red knickers seemed absolutely the right call. I could do this.
Jimmy took my empty glass from my hand and offered me a refill. I saw Darren shoot him a glare.
"Steady," he said. "She's had enough."
"Chill out," Jim said. "Christ, man, she's fucking fine."
Darren followed him into the kitchen and I heard raised voices that the other guys tried to drown out with chit-chat. When Darren came back it was with a glass of water, and Jimmy was quiet. Jimmy offered me a shrug, tipped his head at Trent and pulled a face.
I took the water from Darren's hand. "Drink up," he said. "This shit goes down sober or not at all."
He seemed so fucking mean tonight.
I rolled my eyes before I knocked it back, "I'm not drunk, Trent. I've had three bloody glasses."
"Yeah, and you won't be having three more."
I saluted him with a stupid hand gesture once he'd turned away and Jimmy let out a snigger, took the empty glass from me and put it on the side. I tried to forget about it, all of it, just let it all wash over me.
I relaxed back into the sofa and closed my eyes, listened to my thumping heart and tried to prepare myself for what was to come.
The wine made it easier. It definitely made it easier.
Then something changed. The guys stopped chattering and the room became quiet and heavy. Thick with anticipation.
I was going to fuck these guys. All of them.
And I was going to remember it forever.
I flinched as a hand landed on my knee, giggling as I realised it was just Buck.
"Alright?" he said.
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm good."
His fingers tickled and crept up, tracing gentle patterns up my thigh, slowly. So fucking slowly. I took a deep breath. Here we go.
I chanced one final glance at Darren but he wasn't even looking in my direction. He was so cold, so business-like it hurt, but I didn't have time to worry about that. This was my experience. My night.
I just wished he'd have wanted me, too. Even if it was just a little bit. That would be enough.
I guess it's hard to get excited about something you do every single night, especially when it's a freebie.
I was just a freebie.
Fuck him, then. Mandy Taylor wasn't a freebie. I bet he made sure she had a damn good time.
Buck's fingers moved so slowly as they climbed, ending up so close to my pussy that my clit pulsed, and it was now or never, make or break. In a moment of crazy wine-induced confidence – mixed with a tiny little bit of fuck you – I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in.
His beard tickled my chin as his lips landed.
Fuck, I was kissing Buck. Oh my fucking God.
Buck was a good kisser, too. He wasn't wild and possessive like Darren. There was nothing all-consuming in the way his tongue danced with mine. It was good. It was nice.
I could really fucking do this.
I was really doing this.
Another hand landed on my leg and gripped my knee, and together two guys spread them wide. I went with it, letting my thighs fall open. I only flinched for a heartbeat as someone dropped to the floor between them. Shit.
Strong fingers grabbed at my tits through my fancy new boho blouse, and my nipples were already hard, poking through the flimsy red lace underneath. I kept on kissing Buck, letting the sensations take over as a strong thumb rubbed my clit through my jeans.
I came alive as my pussy did, fantasies bubbling up and over, and when Buck broke the kiss and pulled away, Hugh was already waiting. I smiled before my lips touched his, and that silver fox was an old hat at this. He kissed like he spoke – considered, with the wisdom of age. I liked kissing Hugh very much.
I think it was his hand that first slipped inside my blouse, but I wouldn't swear on it. It wasn't his fingers that popped the button on my jeans, though, and definitely wasn't his hands that lifted me from the sofa enough to shimmy me out of them.
Darren, I want Darren.
I couldn't bear to see his nonchalance, so I didn't look for him. There was just the dullest pain, hiding deep, under all the excitement and wine and endorphins. Hiding deep behind the rush of my throbbing clit as someone took advantage of my crotchless knickers to slip their fingers inside the lace.
I heard a grunt of approval, and it wasn't Darren. Several more, and they weren't from Darren, either.
I felt someone's breath between my legs, and it wasn't him. None of it was him.
Hugh broke the kiss and guided my arms through my sleeves, casting my blouse aside. Just me and the sexy undies remained, and I was glad I'd worn them. My bra was tugged down, my tits flopping free, but I was past caring, the tongue against my clit felt too fucking good.
I reached down, took the pleasurer's hair in my hands, glad I had the aesthetics of stockings to show me in the best light. Curls. Jimmy O. Definitely Jimmy O.