Mr Fucking Dull.
Tonya leaned in. "The thing I never quite got," she said. "And I can ask you this now, since you're … "
"Since I'm..?"
She looked me up and down. "Since you're … you again. I just never got the move from someone like Darren to someone like Brian. I mean, you and Darren were … intense."
"Humping like fucking rabbits, you mean?" I laughed.
"Like rabbits on Viagra." She downed some more of her wine. "I remember the shit you two used to get up to. Getting it on in Mary Hart's garden, while her parents were manning the barbeque … that time you disappeared in the Drum's loo and the whole fucking pool team could hear you … Sucking his dick in the back of Buck's car on the way to Jenna Ward's birthday bash … "
I couldn't help but smile at the memories. "A long time ago."
"Maybe not so long ago." She tipped her glass in my direction. "You'd have loved this Bang Gang crap then, just for the wildness of it. I know you would've."
I kept it coy. "Maybe."
"So, what's different? Like I said, if it's good enough for Mandy bloody Taylor, it's more than good enough for you."
I waved her suggestion aside. "Why don't you have a go, if you're so sure it's a good idea?"
"Yeah, right." She rolled her eyes. "Like I have either the cash or the inclination. Trent and Buck are like fucking brothers to me. One million percent friend-zoned."
"And Petey, and Hugh and Jimmy O?"
She grinned. "Maybe Hugh and Jimmy O. I hear Petey's not up to all that much."
"How would you … " I questioned, but the answer was obvious. I smirked, and so did she, and we said it in unison.
"Mandy. Fucking. Taylor."
We were still laughing when the front door thumped its trademark thump into the wall. The regular Ruby entrance. She'd bang it off its hinges one of these days.
I composed myself as she came bounding through, a caked-on oil smear across her cheek. Standard. Mia followed a lot more meekly, dropped herself into the seat beside me. They pulled and prodded my hair, full of giddy compliments.
"Did you girls have fun?" I asked, grabbing them both in for a kiss. I rubbed at Ruby's cheek and she pulled a face.
"They've eaten," a voice called from the kitchen doorway, and the moment I'd been anticipating was upon me. Darren dropped their schoolbags on the floor by the fridge, and then his eyes met mine, and widened.
"Granny T cooked us stew," Ruby told me. "She put carrots in it and made me eat them. Urgh."
"That's lovely," I said. "Granny T makes a lovely stew, even if it does have carrots in it. I hope you said thank you."
She nodded, but I wasn't convinced, and right then I didn't have the resolve to push it. My parenting goals had frittered away to nothing and I was burning under Darren's stare, that low simmer behind his eyes scorching me alive. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, not even close, not even after all this time, but my heart was racing, my skin prickling.
"Thanks," I said to him. "For having the girls."
"No bother at all," he said.
I wanted him to say something, anything. Nice hair, or nice lippy, or that colour really suits you, but he said nothing, just stared.
It was Tonya who broke the tension, shrugged at Darren and gave a loud sigh. "Well?" she asked. "What do you think of Jodie's epic new do?"
He swallowed before he answered and it made my tummy flutter. I couldn't look at him. Couldn't bear it.
"It's not new," he said.
Tonya rolled her eyes. "Ok then, her new-old do. Do you like it?"
Ruby and Mia giggled and I half-wished the ground would swallow me.
"I always liked it," he said, and the way he said always made me feel so weird, so exposed. "You look great, Jodie. Really great. You look amazing."
He ran his fingers across his stubble, his mouth closed tight, as though he'd said too much. He shifted from foot to foot and cleared his throat.
"Thanks," I said, and my eyes found his again. "I feel really great. Thanks for helping to make it happen."
He nodded. "Right you are."
"Don't you want to see Jo's sexy new outfits?" Tonya prompted, and it was too far, much too far. I cringed at the embarrassment in his eyes, the absolute discomfort, hovering in the half-light of our old life together, staring at the reincarnation of the girl he fell in love with when we were just kids.
I felt it, too.
He gestured a thumb towards the front door. "Better be off. Shit to do."
Ruby groaned. "But Dad! You could stay! See Mum's new stuff! She'll look like a queen!"
"Your dad's probably very busy," I said.
"Work stuff," he said. "Another time, Rubes."
It broke my heart to see the deflation in her eyes.
"Go see your dad out," I said, and he didn't hang around a second longer. He raised a hand in goodbye to Tonya and gave me a nod, and then he was off, with the girls close behind him.
I listened to him call goodbye to Nanna, listened to the girl's goodbyes afterwards, Ruby's loud chatter and Mia's quieter please don't go just yet, Dad, and it hurt.
I don't know why it hurt so fucking bad, but it felt like I'd been stabbed right in the pit of me.
I exhaled a loud breath when I heard the door click shut, and Tonya breathed one of her own.
She picked up the bottle of wine, poured us both another big one.
"I think you need this," she said.
She wasn't bloody wrong.
I could have been anywhere. It wouldn't have mattered shit to me. Balls deep in some slutty bitch's pussy in a posh hotel on the outskirts of Cheltenham, rutting away on her with other guy's dicks all around me. It took me a second to remember her name.
Melissa.
Melissa with the hairy pussy.
I ran my thumb over it and she jerked, offered an appreciative grunt as she choked on Buck's dick.
That's when it first fucking hit me.
I didn't want to be here. Didn't give a shit about the cash waiting at the end of this shitty fucking romp.
Jimmy O shot me a glare and I realised I'd stopped thrusting, standing like a fucking moron with my dick still half inside her.
"Get up here," I grunted, stepping aside to give him a turn. He shrugged and grinned, took up the spot with gusto, and Melissa didn't give a shit, not really. She squirmed under him and groaned for more. Like they always do.
I took a step back and watched, strangely vacant, like I was watching a shitty porn film after too many beers.
This fucking craziness was all Tonya's fault, dragging Jodie into her girly makeover crap and dragging me along with it. I felt a smile as I recalled Jodie's happiness, the easy grin on her face before she realised I was watching her. I'd stepped into a time warp and right there on the other side was the girl I'd loved so fucking hard I thought it would kill me.
Only she wasn't mine to love anymore.
Hadn't been mine to love for a fucking long time.
I'd loved Jodie Symmonds when she was a slip of a girl with a dirty smile and a slick, sharp bob of dark-red hair. I'd loved Jodie Symmonds when she was so swollen with pregnancy that she could hardly walk, when her hair was greasy as fuck and she was moaning about under-boob sweat, pushing her fingers between her tits and smearing it under my nose as a demonstration. I'd loved her when she'd sat and eaten a whole bumper bucket of KFC and then farted like a stinky bitch all night long. I'd loved her when she was angry, when she was sad, when she stared at me as though she was unsure whether to fuck me or kill me. Maybe both at the same time.
I'd loved Jodie Symmonds when she'd forgotten how to love herself.
I thought I'd loved her enough for both of us. But no.
Life fucking sucks like that.
I pulled on my jeans, resigned to sitting this one out. Hopefully Melissa wouldn't notice with four other dicks to keep her attention.
My phone was in my back pocket, I pulled it out to check the time, only it was flashing with messages. I pressed Unlock.
The icon flashed with photo messages from Tonya, and my heart pumped as though I'd shot my load into Melissa's hairy pussy after all.
I scrolled through them, screenshot after screenshot of sexy underwear. Lacy bras and knickers, a cute red suspender belt with matching stockings. A corset, and one of those flouncy white babydolls that make your balls tighten.
Jodie wouldn't take the three hundred, her message said. I tried my fucking hardest, too. I ordered these instead for her, next day delivery.
My mouth was watering, fingers fucking shaking as I scrolled down to the final message.