“Because I needed to be sure…”
“And you’re suddenly sure, are you? After inviting Jake round for the first fucking time last night?”
“It’s not the first time…” she admits, and I let out a choked laugh at how this keeps getting better and better.
“Jake’s seen Cam, has he? He’s seen my boy?”
“Mariana’s boy too, Leo. He loves Cam. Cam loves him.”
And how it breaks my fucking heart.
I stalk the room like a fucking beast, my pulse in my ears as I struggle for composure.
My voice is a spit and hiss. “And Cameron speaks to Jake, does he? Does he call him fucking Daddy as well?”
She rushes forward but I hold up my hands. She stands with wide eyes, shaking her head. “No! Of course not! Of course he doesn’t! That’s not what I meant!”
My eyes are daggers, right on hers. “You think it, though, don’t you? You think Cam is his. Is that what Jake thinks too? Is that why he comes here?”
She chokes for words.
“That’s what you think, isn’t it?!” I bark. She points at the kitchen puts a finger over her lips and I curse myself. I lower my voice. “Tell me the fucking truth. Please just tell me the fucking truth.”
She shrugs and still the tears fall. “I’m saying none of us know, Cam. Not you, not me. Mariana’s gone, and Jake…”
My demons are playing inside me and they are vile. The darkness is behind my eyes and no amount of running, or early mornings at the office, or choosing my son’s TV channels has the power to quash any of it.
“You’re leaving,” I tell her. “Today. You’ll be gone from here by the time I get back from the park with Cam.”
Her wide eyes are like saucers. “What?! No! Leo, no! You can’t!”
But I can.
I don’t want to recognise the woman in my living room. I don’t want to know the sister who kept so many cards this close to her chest.
“Go live with your other brother,” I whisper. “You can see him all you want. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.”
And she cries. Oh how she cries.
“You don’t mean that!” she sobs, throwing her hands in the air. “Leo, you can’t mean that!”
But I do.
I do mean it.
I choke it all down, just like I always have. Force my demons back in their little cages.
All apart from the one that escaped last night.
The one Abigail coaxed from me.
I let that one stay free.
“Cam will be done with his breakfast,” I say, as though it’s just a normal day. “You’d better start packing your things.”
I leave her sobbing, her heart breaking as she cries.
But I don’t feel a fucking thing.
Thirteen
It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Lewis Carroll
Abigail
For the first time ever, after years of waiting… hoping… the monster catches me in my dreams.
He catches me and hoists me off my feet… and his cock is thick and studded with metal…
And then he kisses me…
The monster kisses me and I want it.
I’ve always wanted it…
And then I wake.
The room is empty. The sunlight making patterns on the wall through the drapes, just like always.
But nothing is just like always.
My belly is still aching, my thighs still clammy from the promise of him, and I’m more desperate for the beast than ever.
I flinch as I grab my laptop, my heart in my throat as I log in to my profile.
I said I’d delete it, but I won’t. I can’t.
His messages are still greyed out. His profile is still listed unknown.
Fuck.
I take a breath, trying to contain my running thoughts.
It’s over. Done. Just one crazy experience for the memories.
I wince as I get to my feet. Wince again as I hobble to the bathroom.
The monster really got me good.
I grit my teeth as I take a piss. Ow, I’m fucking sore.
I should be thinking about getting tested for nasties, but somehow I know I’ll be alright. I couldn’t justify why if my life depended on it, I just know it.
Unfortunately, I don’t have to be thinking about getting the morning after pill, either. The operation that saved my life took my fertility away in the same breath. Scarring. An unfortunate complication, they said.
Even the thought brings tears to my eyes out of nowhere.
The odds that I’ll get pregnant again are… slim.
Virtually nil.
There’s still a chance… more surgery… but no guarantees. Nothing even close to a guarantee.
I’ve transferred my medical notes to the local practice from back home, but the hospital referral… that’s still in the process of moving to another health authority. The waiting lists make it not worth thinking about imminently, so I don’t. Or try not to.