"Fuck," he whispers, his voice rumbling inside his ribcage, vibrations traveling through my fingers to my arms. "I fell asleep."
"You work too hard."
He says nothing for a long time, then he starts to pull away, and I let him.
"Talking of work … I'll be late. I don't have the evening off."
"Wait. What happened today, JJ?"
His long lashes flutter against his cheekbones as he looks away, avoiding my gaze. "You don't wanna know."
"You promised." I wait a heartbeat, curling my legs underneath me. "We made a deal."
"Dammit." He bends over, runs his hands over his head. "Goddammit."
Yeah. I knew he wouldn't give in easily. "Something happened to you in that neighborhood. Please, JJ. I won't tell anyone else. Cross my heart."
He huffs, swallows hard. Rubs his inked arm, still not looking at me. "What's it to you anyway, huh? Can't you ask me something else?"
I unfold my legs, plant my feet on the carpet, and bend over, mimicking his posture so that our faces are next to each other.
"Tell me."
He swallows again, his throat clicking, dry, but I'm afraid that if I get up to get him some water, he'll be gone by the time I'm back. Instead, I reach out and put my arm around him again. He tenses under my touch, then relaxes again in degrees, letting out a long, quiet sigh.
"I used to sleep there," he says, his voice a mere breath. "Behind that dumpster."
"When was that?" I'm afraid he'll tell me this counts as another question or to go screw myself, but he doesn't. He glances at me, his gaze strangely blank.
"Couple of years ago. I ran away from a boy's camp. It was hell, and living on the street at first seemed the better option. And it was, in some ways. Until winter hit. The damn shelters were full, and I was broke. So I fell back on my old ways."
I shiver and pull him closer. Old ways?
"It was a shitty time. I didn't know anyone here." His voice catches, releases. "The camp was somewhere in Minnesota. After I escaped, I rode in the back of a truck, and then another and another, until I reached the outskirts of Madison. I knew only one way of getting cash, so I tried it a few times. Except that night I was down on my luck."
"What do you mean?" His heart is hammering again. I can feel it through his thin T-shirt where my arm is slung around him.
"I got no money that night. I got something else entirely."
"What then?" I wait, and wait, but he doesn't say more. I lean my head closer to his. "JJ?"
He shakes himself, as if from another bad dream-or the same one, who knows? "I was waiting at my usual place, but business was slow. Guy shows up, tells me that's his spot. All bullshit. Well, it didn't matter. He threw me down and kicked the living shit out of me. Then he broke a bottle he found lying around and beat me with it. Fuck, I tried to fight back but he was … " His breath hitches. "He was built like a shit brickhouse. I couldn't win."
"But you survived," I whisper. "How?"
"Sometimes I'm not sure I did." He draws a shaky breath. "Think I'll wake up one morning and be back there."
I lay my head on his shoulder, trying to get closer to him, hold him closer to me. In my mind's eye, I see him, younger than he is now, skinny and filthy, lifting an arm to protect his head as a huge guy pounds on him with a broken bottle, leaving behind bloody gashes.
"People say they'd rather starve than do what I was doing. Have they ever starved? Do they know what it's like? What you'd do to keep from dying?"
I want to cry. I want to ask a million questions, and I don't dare.
Then it doesn't matter anymore, because he shoves away and gets up. "Gotta go."
He makes a beeline for the door and lets himself out. The door slams behind him, and I stare into space, trying to wrap my head around what he's told me. What exactly was he doing on the street to earn money? What ‘old ways'? What is he trying to tell me?
Now I'm the one caught in his nightmare with no way of waking up.
"You need a website to sell these," Ev mutters, lifting a pair of earrings made of copper coil and transparent glass beads with golden thread. "So cool. I bet Tyler could whip up one for you. Want me to ask? He's got lots of experience."
Any other time I'd be thrilled to discuss how I could live from my jewelry, but right now my mind is stuck on Jesse. I haven't seen him or heard from him in the past four days, ever since he walked out of here. "I don't know-"
"You should definitely ask Tyler for a website. I've seen a couple he created and they rock." Kayla tries on a fuchsia pendant made of silver wire and colored thread. "Oh God, I'd totally buy half your stock in one go."
Warmth floods my face. "Thanks."
She bats her lashes and pulls down her blouse to show us cleavage while holding the pendant in place. "How do I look?"
"Come here, sexy lady," Ev whispers dramatically and grabs Kayla's arm, dragging her toward her on the sofa.
Kayla squeals and resists, a cat fight ensues, and I rush to rescue my pendant before it's pulled to pieces. I retreat back to my armchair and roll my eyes at the two of them as they make faces at each other and cackle like demented hyenas.
"Are you done playing like two-year-olds?"
"Jeez, mellow down a little." Kayla rolls off the sofa and lands on the carpet with an oof, and more laughter. "Oh man, I haven't laughed like that in a while." She grabs Ev's foot and pulls until she gets her down on the carpet, too. "Missed you, girl."
I do my best to ignore the tiny stab in my chest. They used to live together. Of course they miss each other. Heck, Ev has been telling me she missed me every week since I left town. But fighting insecurity is an uphill battle.
"Hey there, don't look so gloomy." Ev leans over and tugs on my leg. "Come down to our level. Madness is not contagious, I promise."
"That's what they all say," I mutter, but slide down anyway, the box of my jewelry in my lap, and shoot her a smile. "In any case, it's too late."
"That's my girl." She snatches another pendant from my box and holds it up to the light. It's polished copper, matching her curls. "Oh, I want this one, too."
"I could sell you the box in return for a house on the lake."
"You're so incredibly generous." Kayla bats her lashes at me.
"Just the box, though. I'm keeping the jewelry."
"You'll make a good businesswoman," Ev says, distracted by the pendant. "Oh boy, I'm loving this one."
"Then keep it," I say.
"I'll pay for it."
"No way.
Ev sighs. "And here I thought you could think business."
"We're friends."
Like I am with Jesse. We banter, we hug, we do things for each other. That's what friends do, right? It doesn't matter that I want him, that I want to kiss him, and lick him, and-
"Have you thought about your studies? You said you wanted to change direction, give up architecture."
"Yeah." I put the box beside me, stare blindly at the metal and glass. "I was thinking to take art as my major. I like creating things people wear, you know? Art that touches them, that touches their skin as much as their heart. Art that pierces them, and hugs them, and tethers them somehow."
Silence spreads.
I blink. Uh-oh. Was it a mistake to say what I feel? People often find me weird.
But Kayla whistles and pats my foot. "That was deep, girl. Me like. You could use it as your logo. Art that pierces you to the heart, or something."
I shake my head. Not so sure about that.
"I say go for it. Study art, focus on what you really like. What you got there," Ev waves at my creations, "says the same. This is your path."
That's my feeling, too. I remember lying in my bed back in Chicago, wondering what craziness was driving me to return here, why I suddenly decided I needed to escape. Up until then I thought my parents could save me, fix my past and my fears, give me the best advice about my future. Architecture was their idea, as it combined art and more practical aspects of life.
I don't want practical. I want my dreams back. I don't want to bury my fears. I want to fight them and beat them.
Enough of running.
"I'll talk to Tyler," I say and run my fingertips over the smooth beads-over Jesse's smooth, warm skin, over taut muscle and sinew-
"Something else on your mind?" Kayla taps her forehead. "I can hear cogs turning."
"She needs lubrication," Ev quips, the traitor, then rolls on the carpet, laughing. "Oh my God, lubrication … "
"Now, now. Very funny." Kayla pats Ev's head, her eyes on me. "Shh. Let's hear what's troubling Amber here."
I gather up my knees and rest my forehead on them. "I'm just worried about Asher's wedding."