Bad Wolf(25)

She's on to something. She knows how to judge human character. If nothing else, at least she knows how to tame wild men, and may have some advice for me.

Hey, I'm desperate.

Rummaging in my purse, I find my lipstick and slather my lips in red as we roll through the suburbs. I check my phone, scroll through my contacts just to see Jarett's name among them.

Pathetic, Gigi. Totally pathetic.

Sighing, I gather my purse and backpack, and get off at my stop, then trudge down the street to Octavia and Matt's house. From afar I see the front porch and the oak tree in the garden, and smile.

We may live in the same city, but I often find myself missing Octavia. We're a very closely-knit little family. For as long as I can remember, it was only Mom, Octavia, Merc and me versus the world, and that was just fine by me. I didn't need anyone else. These were the people I trusted, and nobody else.

Of course now to this small circle was added Matt, Octavia's husband, and his kids, his mom, and soon Octavia's baby. Sydney was an addition as well, though excuse me for having my doubts right now about the wisdom of that-and Jarett.                       
       
           



       

I used to trust him. Trust him to have my back. To listen to my stories without judgment. To be there-with the secret hope he'd eventually open up to me, just like I had to him. That he'd want more from me, just like I did from him.

And here I am, bewildered and aching with something I don't dare name.

I ring the bell, and drum my fingers on my leg while waiting for Octavia to open the door, nervous. I don't want to talk about this, about my confusion, my feelings, my mistakes and doubts.

Problem is, I can't seem to find a solution on my own. I want to believe that Jarett is good, deep inside. That his bad moments can be explained.

What am I doing? What do I think Octavia will tell me? God …

I turn to leave, but the door opens, and Octavia calls my name.

Turning back around, I paste a smile on my face. "Tati. How are you? How is Bean?" I nod at her belly, and oh my god, it's enormous. I try not to gawk. "All good?"

"We are. Come on in." She leans in and I kiss her cheek, then walk inside the warm and cozy house she and Matt keep. "The kids are at their grandma's. It's just us."

"Oh good," I say, distracted as she waddles toward the living room. "Is Bean behaving?"

She and Matt decided they don't want to know the gender of the baby, who therefore has no name, so I named him or her Bean. I think it's perfect.

"Yeah. Getting too crowded in there, I think." She settles down gingerly. "Now talk to me. You got me so worried. I thought something bad had happened."

"Sorry," I say again and sit across from her, in one of the armchairs. "I honestly didn't mean to alarm you. Something's on my mind, that's all, and I wanted your opinion."

"About what?"

"About Jarett."

"That's not a something," she mutters, leaning back, wedging a cushion behind her with a sigh. "Jarett …  isn't that the guy you had a crush on a couple of years back?"

Okay, so everyone and their grandmother knew about that. Go figure.

"I don't really know anything about him, Gigi," Octavia says, more quietly. "Not more than you do, anyway. Let me see …  He lived in our old neighborhood. He was adopted, I think? Had a stupid shit of a brother. You often walked with Jarett home from the bus stop. You had a crush on him. Have a crush on him, from the look of things."

I roll my eyes. "I like him, okay? But here's the thing. He's a bit of a douche sometimes... and Merc told me Jarett's in a gang-"

"Oh God." Octavia pales. "Gangs are dangerous."

"I know that."

"And if he's acting all douchey with you … "

"Not always."

Now it's her turn to roll her eyes. "Are you listening to yourself? ‘Not always?' And that's good enough for you? A guy who treats you well sometimes, but is mostly an asshole to you?"

I cringe. "It's not like that … "

"Then what is it like?"

"He's …  an ass sometimes, true. But other times he's the Jarett I knew. Concerned, and nice."

She sighs. "When he's trying to get into your panties?"

"I, uh." My face warms up.

Her brows go up. "He's already dipped his hand in the cookie jar?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what? Okay, okay." She lifts her hands in a placating gesture. "What exactly does he do when he's being an ass?"

"He gets all upset sometimes for no clear reason."

And he makes me go down on him. Although I want it. Want it too much.

But I can't tell her that. God, no.

"Okay …  and when he's not being an ass?"

"What do you mean?" I frown, lost in thought.

"Give me an example of how nice he is, so nice he makes you forget all the other times when he's being a jerk."

"He, um …  He protects Sydney when she gets into trouble." At Octavia's widening eyes I backtrack. "Protected her. Once. When she got caught in a fight. Wrong time, wrong place, okay? And …  he gave me his number in case I ever need help."

"Come on, Gigi, that's not much to go on."

"His brother," I blurt out. "He told his brother off when he tried to force himself on me in a club."

"Force himself on you? Jesus, Gigi. Why didn't you say something?" Octavia presses a hand to her belly, her mouth a hard line, and I rub at my mouth, angry at myself for worrying her, even if it wasn't my intention.

"Oh God," I whisper. Clear my throat. "Look, nothing happened. His brother probably just wanted a kiss and a grope, okay? And before you tell me I'm grounded or something-because by the way I'm not five anymore, Tati, just FYI-I don't go to seedy clubs, and I don't go alone, so drop the lecture. Nothing has ever happened to me."                       
       
           



       

Liar.

"Anyway," I rush on, "the thing is …  Jarett's so, so very nice sometimes. Protective. Sweet. And … " I swallow hard, my face burning hotter. "And sexy."

Octavia frowns. "Gigi … "

"Not every gang member is a criminal. I bet it's bad influences, right? His brother, he's a bad influence. Worst of the worse, you can't get worse than-"

"Gigi. Stop talking."

I stop.

Ringing silence fills my ears.

Octavia is watching me intently, her forehead creased. She sighs. "Look, I don't know what to say. Sorry. I'm not the right person to ask about this."

"Of course you are. You're my sister." I twist my hands together. "Come on, Tati …  I could really use your advice."

"Then stay away from him."

I huff in frustration. "I can't."

"So here's the thing. You don't want my advice. Not really. No, Gigi, listen." She lifts her hand to silence me. "You want me to tell you you're right. That he can be saved. That he's worth it."

"Isn't he?"

"I don't know that."

"Please, sis. Throw me a bone here."

Her mouth tightens. "Okay. Let me tell you one thing I've learned: if you really believe he's worth it, then don't listen to me, or anyone else."

I fold my arms under my boobs and glare at her harder. "Oh, come on."

"I'm serious, Gigi. You don't want my opinion, because you know more than I do about him. You're confused because you see things I don't. You experienced him in ways I haven't, and that is important. With Matt it was the same. You and everyone told me to steer clear of him, remember?"

"I'm sorry," I whisper, shame flooding me. "My advice was crap. Matt is wonderful."

"That's exactly the thing. You didn't know how wonderful he is. He didn't let others see. But I'd seen the other side of him, the one he was hiding. And deep inside of me I knew he wasn't who everyone thought he was. That the front he showed to the world was a defensive wall, and that only I could see past it to the real him. Maybe that's what's happening with Jarret." She shrugs. "Maybe that's what's happening with you."

Is it? How do I know?

"You always seemed so sure of yourself," I whisper. "So sure of Matt, from the start."

"But the truth is that I doubted myself, and him, until he proved himself to me. By changing. By putting me first. Until then, I wasn't sure at all."

I wave a hand at her to silence her. "Jesus, stop. You're killing my older-sister cult here. You're supposed to know everything. I used to sacrifice imaginary goats at your altar."

Octavia snickers.

I mull over all this. So my sister isn't omniscient, can't read minds and can't foresee the future. Shocking. Where do I go from here?

"So let me summarize." I look at her for confirmation. "You weren't sure about your man. And still you stuck to your guns. Gave it a try. Gave him a chance. Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

Another shrug. "Maybe."