“Not exactly,” I say as stop at the corner and look around. No dogs in sight. Shit. I should've checked to see how many of the rats were missing. Aren't there like four chihuahuas or something? Or is it three? “We're running a bit late here. Look, Rob, I don't have a lot of time to chat. What do you want?”
“Wow. Just wow. Thanks for asking after Mercedes' parents, you asshole.”
I start jogging back in the opposite direction, although I do cringe a little. He's kind of right. But then, he's also a complete dickhead.
“Last time I talked to you, you said they were stable. Did something happen?”
“They're doing great actually, thank you for finally asking. The doctors are saying we may actually be able to take them home tomorrow.”
“Killer,” I say as I move past the house … and find the twins in the driveway with chalk, still wearing their My Little Pony pajamas. “Hey. Get your asses back in the house and get dressed for school.” The identical little devils screech and throw their chalk on the lawn, disappearing into the open front door of the house. I'm still standing there when the other two chihuahuas make a break for it. “Oh no you don't.” I hook my broken cell phone between my ear and shoulder as I scoop the dogs up, one in each hand.
“Did you just curse at my children?” Rob roars over the phone as I struggle to get the dogs inside. “You better be talking to somebody else.”
“Of course I'm not talking to the kids,” I lie as I head back inside and toss the rat dogs onto the couch. Dodger and the old one will have to wait for later. I just can't deal with this shit right now. “Why? What do you want? I'm seriously swamped right now, Rob.”
“I got a call from our tenant. He's moving out today. Normally I'd ask for a sixty day notice, but you know how long I've been trying to get rid of the guy.”
“Yup, yup,” I say as Sadie tosses her head back and lets out a banshee worthy wail. “What's that got to do with me?”
“I told him to leave the key with you, but he said you hadn't been staying at the house. Where the fuck are you? I need you to go over and check the place out, make sure it's clean, and then get it posted on Craigslist for me.”
“Are you … kidding me? When the hell am I going to have time to do that?”
“You're not at that girl's house still, are you? You're not a fucking nanny, Zayden. You don't know anything about children. And I don't want my kids exposed to your weird sex stuff.”
“Weird sex stuff?” I echo and then notice the girls are standing on the stairs, eavesdropping. They giggle as I point a finger at them and mouth go, heading back to the crib to pick up the baby. “I'm not the one whose daughter saw him giving mommy a VJ in the shower, okay?”
“What? What the hell are you talking about? Zayden, get your ass back to the duplex. Don't make me call this girl myself and tell her you're a fraud.”
“Look, she already knows I'm not actually a nanny, okay? You're a little late to the game. Besides, where the hell would you get her phone number?”
Sadie screeches and thrashes around as I struggle to get her into the high chair.
“What's going on?” I hear Mercedes on the other end of the line and groan, letting my head fall back. “Is Sadie okay? You know, if she keeps screaming like that, she probably needs to poop. The doctor said it seemed like she was getting constipated. When's the last time she went?”
“I … have no idea,” I concede as I feel a flutter of panic in my chest. Did I seriously almost consider staying in town? Like, even a little? I get that these aren't all my kids, that I get to give four of them back at the end of the week, but don't you think Rob and Mercedes would milk the shit out of me as a babysitter? No, you don't need to tell me. I know they would.
And then … do I really want to seriously get with anybody? Dating people usually leads to kids at some point. It's practically inevitable.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask as I put a hand to my forehead and struggle to take a deep breath. A second later, there's an angry knock at the door.
“You might want to call up her pediatrician and see if you can get her in today,” Mercedes says as I slog my way over to the door and find the neighbor standing on the porch with a dog in either hand.
“These are yours?” she asks, her wrinkly mouth pinched up, eyes flicking up and down my body with a level of distaste I haven't seen from a woman in a long time. “They knocked over my trash and pulled dirty diapers everywhere. Somebody's going to have to come over and clean that up.”
I just stare at her as I take the dogs and drop them on the floor.