“You got it, babe,” he says and then disappears up the steps of the deck and into the house.
I wait until I hear the sliding glass door closed before I let out a burst of wild laughter.
Bella, Grace, and Kinzie are all obsessed with my getting ready process tonight, and it's kind of scaring me. They keep asking questions about where I'm going and what I'm doing. The absolute last thing I'm telling any of these kids is the truth.
“I already told you: I'm going to work. What does it matter where?” I slick my hair back into a perfect ponytail. My hair is way too long when it's down to dance properly, at least for me. Some of the other girls there make pole dancing look like an art form.
“You always ask about my day at school,” Bella says with a crossed arms pose that reminds me of myself. It's kind of cute. I notice Grace putting one of my bras on over her shirt in the reflection of the mirror.
“Good point. But I'm an adult. Nothing we do is interesting.”
“Why are you putting on so much makeup to go to work? My dad never wears makeup to work,” Kinzie states which is actually also a very valid point. I lean into the mirror to check my makeup, happy to be wearing my contacts again. If I'm going to come home and … well, do whatever with Zayden, then I'd rather not have to deal with my clunky glasses. Besides, if I break them, I am seriously SOL.
“I'm going to … a fancy club. To serve tables.”
“Serve tables?” Kinzie asks, taking her hair out of the pigtails Zay put them in and trying to imitate my ponytail. It'll be years before she gets here, but I smile anyway. “Like a waitress?”
“Exactly.” I stick a tiny diamond stud in each lobe and then look at my face. After staring at Zayden all day, I feel plain. I touch the sides of my neck, wondering what it'd look like covered in tattoos. “I'll be waitressing.”
I let my gaze stray away from my face to the girls and notice Grace digging through the dirty clothes pile in the corner. The last thing I want her to do is find any of my work clothes—particularly the outfit Zayden and I screwed in.
“Okay.” I clap my hands and move into the room, grabbing my niece under the arms and lifting her up. “That's about enough of that, don't you think?”
I've got my trench coat on again, and even though I feel stupid in it, it keeps everything hidden as I shuffle out of the room and into the hallway. Most of the girls at the club come dressed in jeans and t-shirts and change in the back, but I feel like I need to do it here, in this safe space first. I need to dress up and let my anxiety cool a little before I leave; it's the only way.
“I bet that casserole is just about done,” I say as I heft Grace onto my hip and move down the stairs. Dodger does his utmost to intercept me at the halfway point and trip me, thereby killing both me and my niece when he knocks us down the stairs, but Zay's somehow just there, catching me as I start to pitch forward with a gray and white dog lodged between the toe and heel of my shoe. “Thanks,” I say as he takes Grace from me and carries her the rest of the way.
“No problem. You sure you don't want a slice of delicious chicken-rice-soupy goodness?”
“When you put it like that, how could any girl say no?” I smile when he winks at me, feeling good. Not great, but good. I'm just going to have to live in the moment, I guess. I can't think about how I'll probably be working this job for another year plus … or how my sister might flit in and out of her girls' lives like it's nothing. Hell, or maybe it's worse if she never comes back at all. I can't decide at this point. “I'll be back around two,” I say with a little wave, turning and reaching for the doorknob, almost wishing that Zay would call me into the backyard again for a kiss.
He doesn't though, waving with an oven mitt from the kitchen as I smile and head outside, watching him for as long as I can before it closes with a soft snick.
At least I have something to look forward to. In just a few hours, I'll be letting myself in this door to find him waiting for me.
My heart thrums and palpates with excitement and I start to wonder if Zay's right, if I really do have a crush on him.
Guess it doesn't matter much either way, does it?
After my first Friday night at the club, I can see why the manager gave me Saturday off. I feel overwhelmed as hell by the whole scene. It's definitely not my thing, not at all. The first time I got up on stage, with My Darkest Days' song, “Porn Star Dancing” playing in the background, I froze up like a deer caught in the headlights. My heart started to pound and my pulse was flickering so quickly I thought I might pass out.
I unlock the front door slowly, tentatively, and find Sadie asleep on her back in the crib. Zayden's not in the living room which might mean … he really is waiting for me upstairs. I squeeze inside and close the door as quietly as I can, tiptoeing up the steps and pushing into my bedroom with an anxious swirl twisting around in my tummy.