Bad Nanny(27)

“Exactly.” Zayden snaps his fingers and then leans forward, putting his palms against the floor, his face getting way too close to mine for comfort. My heart starts to pound and sweat trickles down my spine. “So don't think of it that way then. Stripping is a job, that's it. It doesn't define you, just like, say, working as a soulless insurance salesmen doesn't. You can either suck it up and bang it out, or you can't. Don't torture yourself, Smarty-Pants.”

“I don't exactly have a choice, Zayden.”

“That's a goddamn lie,” he says, dropping to his belly on the carpet and turning his face towards the baby. She giggles and reaches out a chubby hand to slap at his face. He sticks his tongue out and she smiles a goofy smile. “There's always a choice. Sometimes it's between a few shitty things—like pretty much every presidential election ever—but that doesn't we can't make up our own minds about it anyway. From what I figure, sometimes the “bad” choice is really the harder choice.”

“I have fifty bucks. Literally. Exactly fifty, and only because I drove over to Nelly's house and threatened to beat up her boyfriend.”

Zayden pauses, pushing himself up onto his elbows and looking up at me.

His smile's almost as goofy as the baby's.

“You go girl. Tougher than you look, huh?”

“What's that supposed to mean?” I scoot away from Zayden and drop to my tummy, so that our faces are at the same level. I tell myself I'm doing it for the baby, but really I just want to look this guy in the face. “How do I look?”

Zayden pauses and stares right at me, tilting his head to the side. I notice that today, there are stars shaved into the short side of his hair. They weren't there yesterday. Did he do that himself? Huh.

“Soft,” he says and then lifts his palms up in surrender, elbows pressed into the carpet. “Not in a bad way. You just look … I don't know, young? But maybe like you're trying too hard not to be.”

I pinch my brows together as Sadie moves in between us and starts heading for the small table against the wall. Zayden scoots back and picks her up, depositing her on the opposite side of the blanket and letting her have at it again.

“Trying too hard?” I ask, doing my best not to be offended. I asked his opinion, and now I'm getting it. I can't complain if I don't like the results. “I just want to do the right thing.”

“No such thing,” Zayden says as he puts his hands on his hips and watches Sadie in her peach and white outfit, the lavender flower headband wobbling as she starts her journey from the beginning. “The right thing, I mean. It's a myth. All we can do is try to walk our own path and not screw up anybody else's. That's life, man.”

“According to Zayden Roth,” I say as I stand up and check the time on my phone. I have a little while before I have to get Grace, so I may as well use it to get my head together. Maybe I'll put on some music and lock myself in the upstairs bedroom? Let the sweet trill of rock music wash all my pain away. “I'm not sure how valid your opinion is, based on the music you listen to.”

He swings a look my way and then winks at me.

“And what do you listen to? Rap? Country? Where's your pedestal, Smarty-Pants?”

“Rock. Metal. Punk.”

“Ooooh, angry music. Gotcha.”

“Well, I think the music you listen to is shallow, technically uncomplicated, and so drenched in mainstream bullshit that any message the words could've delivered is basically null and void.”

“Shots fired,” Zayden says, slicking two fingers across the shaved side of his head. “But oh, I guess that was a miss, Smarty-Pants.” He winks at me again and I feel an unwanted warmth rush through me. Whoa. I know I'm in trouble when I start wondering what those two fingers would feel like slipping inside of me.

Yikes.

“I'm going to take a shower,” I say, grabbing my purse and heading up the stairs.

“Godspeed, Brooke Overland,” Zay says as he flops back down in front of the baby, lifting her up and getting her into a sitting position. Then he takes her arms in his tattooed fingers and lowers her back to the floor, helping her sit up and then putting her down again. He makes weird sounds as he does it and she giggles like crazy, like this is the best game ever.

I watch him for a few seconds and then retreat into the bathroom—and lock the door behind me.

It's not Zayden that I'm scared of though, it's me and what I might do if I get my hands on him again.





As predicted, Sadie conks out about fifteen minutes after Brooke heads upstairs.

I get her situated in the portable crib I brought over with me, making sure she's situated on her back before I pop the baby monitor on the table next to her and head over to the couch to sit down for a minute.